Loss my Husband of 22 years

I loss my husband 3 weeks ago. We were together for 26 years. My 17 year old son and I found him on the living room floor. We both tried CPR. He was only 54. We don't why he died. They didn't do a autopsy . They called it natural causes. At 54 ???. His Mother died 9 days before him. My kids lost their dad and gramma. I only went back to work one day. Then my husband died. I'm angry, sad, heartbroken. Can't sleep.some days can't get off the couch. Except have to work. Which I hate because I work at a family practice clinic. So I work with patients. Afraid I'm going break down when I'm rooming someone. My son will graduate high school and my husband won't be there. I can't believe he just died like that. I didn't get to say goodbye. I can't sleep in our bed. My kids our in their rooms alot. They hung out in their rooms before he died. I sit by myself alot. Can't watch regular tv. So I watch kids movies cause I can't seem to do regular life or watch it on tv..

 

Lisa, words can't express how sorry I
feel about the sudden, shocking death of
your husband at such a young age, after
being together 26 years.My wife died
suddenly, in front of me, after 25 years of
marriage. Linda was 68. I was in a state of
shock & had to see a grief counselor. I'm
surprised that you had to return to work
right after your husband's death.May I
ask his name, Lisa? I've found that it
helps on this GIC site to share that. I wish
I didn't have to welcome you to GIC. It's
been only 3 weeks for you. Linda died 3
years ago, but I didn't join GIC, until
July of this year. The people on this site
have become close friends, bc of their
kindness.Hope you will stay with us, &.
we can comfort each other. Lou

 

I am so sorry for your losses. Its still fresh so take your time . Its normal not wanting to do everyday stuff right now. My Gants been gone almost and 2 years and I still can't watch certain channels that we watched together. It was out thing to find a good movie to enjoy. I pray for you and your kids strength especially having to losses close together. My kids lost their dad and grand father 4 days apart. It can definitely be alot. Take deep breaths and get fresh air. You and your kids will be each others support system. My kids are young but we still motivate each other. They are definitely my motivation to get going. I pray that you and your family get stronger with each passing day.

 

His name was Bruce. I went back to work because I didn't want to use all my vacation in case I need it down the road. I'm not doing my full job at this time. I hate being there cause I feel like my husband is at his job.Then it slams in the face that he is dead. He was always home from work before me. Now I come home to a empty house cause my kids are gone alot. Bruce used to say he would never get to retire and didnt. My job wasn't suppose to out last my husband

 

Yes we had many shows we watched together. Now I feel I can't finish them shows. I never got to grieve my mother inlaw.who I loved very muuch. I can't believe my husband died suddenly right after her. You hear sad stories like that but you dont think it could happen to you. Thank you for reaching out to me.

 

Lisa, thank you for replying to me about
your husband's name. Your story about
Bruce's shocking, sudden death, & that of
his mother, who you also loved, is
heartbreaking. You have come to the right
place, bc GIC is a kind group, whose
spouses have died &left holes in our
hearts. Hope you will stay with us. If you
don't feel like answering each post, you
can tap "LIKE" to show you're still here.
Lou

 

Lisa I am terribly sorry for your sudden loss of Bruce and your mother-in-law. My name is Gary and I lost my girlfriend Cheryl suddenly like you lost Bruce 9 months ago. Cheryl had no known health issues and there were no warning signs. Cheryl died from a cardiac arrest caused by obstructive sleep apnea. Centersforloss.com is a site with some free helpful information. Please read 6 needs of reconciliation for the Mourner. It’s a short article that will explain your grief journey. If Visiting Nurses is in your area contact them and see if they have grief support meetings. They are free. That’s where I started. I found out later they offer free counseling and they specialize in grief. You must try to get a support system. There may be other groups in your area. Grief can’t be done alone. I went into complete shock after losing Cheryl. I couldn’t think straight or make decisions. If you read the article above it explains that this is normal. Stress from losing a loved one causes the brain to short circuit. There is even a medical term for this called widow/widowers brain. Or foggy widow brain. Try not to make any sudden changes because we aren’t thinking right in our condition. It’s terrible you have to return to work so soon. I let my emotions out in a lot of uncomfortable situations like at the bank dentist hair salon ect. Don’t worry about this. We are only human. We constantly remind each other to please be patient and kind to ourselves. Where can we go to express our grief? I only have a minority of people I can express my grief to. Most of them are on this site. You’re going to meet some very supportive people here. GIC is the best part of my support system. You are not alone. Gary

 

Gary, just about to go to sleep. but I
want to tell you that your .moving welcome to Lisa, & your account of your
own mourning over Cheryl, was one of
your best posts.I agreed with every
word. You "get it" about the SHOCK of
Cheryl's death, so suddenly, without
warning. As you know, I had PTSD when
Linda died suddenly in front of me.
It took several months with a grief
counselor to get that image of Linda's
last moments with me, out of my head,
much like it did for Jonathan, over the
death of Joy. Lou

 

Lisa,

I'm so very sorry to hear your husband, Bruce passed away. I HATE!!! saying this because, words seem so shallow at times, but since they're all I have, I hope you realize how truly sorry I am. I wish so much you didn't have to find us, but so glad you did. I've made many friends on this site. It has become my safe place to visit whenever I need a virtual hug, to "talk," or just "listen" to others share their stories. I hope this will become a place where you feel comfortable visiting, whenever you need to surround yourself with people who truly "get" the total heartbreak, that only those of us who have lost the one true love of our lives, can possibly understand. This is a totally judgement free place. Everyone has different ways of coping with grief that work best for him/her. You can take the advice you're given, or leave it. We will not be offended, and will always welcome you with open arms.

Having said this, I think Lou, Sweetcole, and Gary have given you excellent advice. I want to add a couple of books that I read, the first one recommended by Lou, to all of us. Both books are by Tom Zuba. The first book, the one that Lou recommended, is "Permission To Mourn: A New Way To Do Grief," and the second one is "Becoming Radiant: A New Way To Do Life Following The Death Of A Beloved." Both of these books are short and very easy to read, a very good thing because I have that foggy widow brain that Gary already mentioned. Tom Zuba's wife, daughter, and one of his son's died. He has found a way to move forward, to keep healing, and in the process has been able to find happiness again. I keep copies of these books on my nightstand and refer to them often. Lou also recommended another good book by Jonathan Santlofer, "The Widower's Notebook. This book is very sad and Lou doesn't recommend reading it before bed. I can relate to many of the chapters in this book. Jonathan Santlofer's wife, Joy passed away and he has also found the strength to move forward, to continue healing.

Backing way up, I forgot to tell you a little bit about my situation. Very briefly, my husband, Bob died over ten months ago. He had many chronic health conditions, the first diagnosed in 20005, the last diagnosed near the end of his life. By the time he passed away, he had a specialist for just about every body part. I became his full time caregiver in the beginning of 2018. Although I knew in my heart he was going to die, when it happened, even though it was expected, it was a shock, I was totally unprepared for it. There is so much more to this, but I need to stop here (for now). Backing up a bit, I can relate to so much of what you've said. It SUCKS!!!

I need to get outside and walk, so stopping here (for now). Some fresh air, sunshine, and a little exercise, is one of my favorite ways of coping with grief. I hope you will stick around, get to "know" us, and give us the opportunity to get to "know" you. Once again, I'm so very sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did.

Sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you Gary, I have gone to a grief group twice. It helps some but it seems like every one spouse was sick first and they talked about when some one is sick. You start to grieve when they are still here because you know they might die. Not to say the loss isn't the same pain. But I'm in so much shock the way my husband was here and then just gone. You don't get to prepare yourself and tell them how much you love them. I miss him so much . I have alot of friends but 99% of them are married. They don't understand my pain.

 

Lisa, I understand your horrible pain, over
the sudden, shocking death, of your
husband, Bruce. Those agonizing moments
are, unfortunately, still fresh in your
mind. You & your son did all you could to
"save" Bruce, which makes it doubly
hard. As I mentioned on GIC, Linda was
always seeking serenity. Her collapse
& then, sudden death in front of me , caused my
PTSD, bc I couldn't get that last image


of Linda out of my mind. I was sobbing
uncontrollably. Since she was my best
(& only) friend and family, I was broken
& went to a grief counselor. She kindly
recommended the 2 books, about the
deaths of our soulmates, which my good
friend, Deb told you about. All I can say,
Lisa, after 3 years,:I miss Linda every day
& sometimes dream about her at night and
get choked up, but I don't weep , like I
did, As Deb said, I hope you stay with us
on GIC. Lou

 

Lisa I haven’t been to an in person grief meeting since December because of the omicron. I’m planning on returning soon. Ask the facilitator if they can refer you to someone who can help you with the shock of sudden loss. Maybe they have a library like ours with hundreds of grief books the facilitator could recommend. My shock was so severe I went to my doctor 3 months after Cheryl passed. He told me my feelings and emotions were normal in losing Cheryl. But if I was experiencing them a year later he would address it. Robin’s loss and mine were exactly like yours. Right now try to take care of yourself by eating healthy exercise and sleep the best you can. I had to bump up my antidepressants and try different sleep meds. I tried everything available and nothing provided consistent sleep. I was getting less than 3 hours a night. Now I’m getting 5-6. My blood pressure and heart rate spiked. They are normal now. This is the hardest thing you are ever going to do. But it is doable. And you don’t have to do it alone. To me it seems like our group is in a temporary slump because there’s not a lot of activity. There have been times when I got so burned out on grief I had to take a timeout from GIC. I’m glad you responding back. The majority of new people are in so much pain they are paralyzed from regularly interacting with the group. Start asking questions. You can jump on any thread and talk to anyone any time. The thread at the top of the page is the most recently active. The lower are archives. Please stay with us. You are not alone. Gary

 

Hi Lisa. Like the others, I am sorry for your loss and how difficult things are right now. Everything you are feeling, from the anger to the lethargy is normal...or at least was for me. I lost my wife of 35 years after a 16 year battle with brain cancer. Although my story is almost the opposite of yours, the feelings are very similar. Please make every effort to take care of yourself. Eat if you can, rest when you can, cry when you need to. There is no time frame, and everyone grieves in their own way. I hope you see you around. Bill

 

Bill, your kind & wise advice to Lisa is
from the heart. I am so sorry to hear
about your wife, after 35 years of
marriage. My wife, Linda , died suddenly
in front of me, 3 years ago. She was 68.
We were married 25 years. I went to a
grief counselor, who said all of the things
you said to Lisa. She suggested Grief in
Common ( GIC), but I didn't join until
July of this year. May I ask your wife's
name? Saying Linda's name helps me
in my grief. Hope you join my brothers
here: Gary, George, & Chad. Lou

 

Lisa, I can't imagine a sudden death as you and your son have gone through. I lost Jack 1 year ago, I knew he was terminal. My heart and soul goes out to you. I've been on this forum for 1 year and have found it very comforting and a place to vent that everyone understands. Karen

 

Hi Lisa,
I just joined GIC tonight, unable to sleep. I am sorry for your loss. We unfortunately have alot in common. I lost my husband of 29yrs , he was 49, 8 days earlier we lost his mother. It has been two years for me. I had become extremely close with mother in law, she lived with us the last 3yrs. I felt after so many years of a rocky relationship we were finally friends. My kids are adults, but never had a chance to grieve for their Grandma. I shut down, stayed in my room and let life go on without me. Unfortunately, this caused an extremely toxic relationship to develop between my oldest, youngest daughters and myself, they lived with me until very recently. They felt I wasn't there for them.
My only advice would be not to wait to get counseling for yourself and son. I am just now coming out of the haze, wishing I would have done counseling, still need too. I still have my TV off most of the time, learning new types of music to listen to. Be easy on yourself.

 

0Yvonne

 

Thank you for your reply. I am going to a grief group. We are having my husband funeral next weekend. . I had put it off cause I was such a mess. I was hoping I would be a little stronger with time. Cause I didn't want his funeral to be a blur to me. I have his ashes at home and I can't even look at his urn. I cry every day multiple times a day. My kids are always in their rooms they don't spend time with me. I can't sleep in my room.my living room has become my whole world besides going to work.. Its cold outside and full of snow. So can't even go for a walk. I have such hard time getting off the couch . I have no energy cause my grief has taken it all. I miss my husband so much . I have alot of friends calling me but none of them live close to me. So I feel very alone cause I like to get together with people. I still can't believe he is gone. Just like that

 

Lisa, I'm so sorry you're going through the
hell of mourning Bruce. I remember not
being able to accept my wife, Linda's
sudden death, & to have to deal with the
funeral director, to have my wife
cremated. I wept uncontrollably, too.
3 years later, I still choke up & sometimes
cry a little, but not with the sobbing of
past years.

Icouldn't look at her ashes either.
Now,
I call her ashes a
memorial, & they are in a beautiful
urn, on top of my bureau. I tried to
reply to Roni this morning to thank her
for kindly reaching out to you. Sadly,
I did this before coffee, Not sure what
happened . I may not have hit "reply" Glad you are staying with us, during
your horribly tragic time.

You are wise to be in a grief group. My
grief counselor really helped me through the pain of grief. She suggested
this wonderful, warm Grief in Common
site, but I didn't join until July of this
year. Lou