I lost my sister suddenly on April 4, 2021. It was just another ordinary day, and that's usually the case when your life decides to change. I live about a half hour away from my sister's house, and she lived w/ my parents. My parents happened to be out of town, and since I usually visit all of them, I decided to wait for my parents to arrive back in town so I can visit them all at the same time. My usual routine of arriving in the morning wasn't followed that day. I got a phone call around 7 PM from my brother saying that my sister wasn't waking up. I rushed over. And when I got there, she had died. She died in her sleep due to a drug overdose. I didn't even know she was using painkillers to cope with life. I have so much regret. I feel like I failed her as a brother. We spoke every day. I spoke to her on April 3, and she was gone on April 4. There are days that are harder than others. I'm struggling to somehow make this my new "normal" -- How do I rationalize this feeling of despair, guilt, grief, and continue without her? I have been for the last eight months, but they have been the hardest eights months I've had. I didn't realize my sister was my best friend until she was gone. I took her for granted. She was the baby of the family, and I just assumed she'd the be the one who'd have to bury all of us. I had experienced death in my life, but nothing this traumatic and sudden. I miss my sister daily, and have tried many ways to cope with not having her in my life. I started meditating, journaling, and I'm in therapy, but somedays, it doesn't feel like enough. I see her in my dreams. My heart breaks for my parents, siblings, and for all of us on this website who are bonded by the same tragic circumstance. I offer my support to everyone. I'm here if you ever need to vent, or just have a grief partner.
Hi Mario, Your vulnerable heartfelt sharing of your story really touched me. I hear how much you love your sister and how close you two were and that is beautiful. I also hear how tragic losing her so suddenly is and how it has shattered your heart and that must be unbearably hard to carry. We all have this unspeakably heavy and hard load on here and that makes it a little less lonely. I can't say I understand exactly what you are going through, as we all have a different grief experience, but I also just recently loss my best friend (who was my partner) and it is reality and idenity shattering along with the intense pain. It sounds like you are trying your very best to navigate your grief experience and to be gentle with your broken heart. Which is all we can do when we are just trying to live with grief which is so huge and so complex. And that's okay. This hurts a lot. This takes time. We are going through the motions of all the love we had for our person which is endless. So it won't just stop. We can just be kind to ourselves. My doctor tried to help me to pull out the weeds of the guilt feelings for my partner's drug related death telling me I did all I could. I know guilt is so so tricky. Your sister chose to keep things secretive, as did my partner. We were locked out from certain hidden parts of their inner worlds. It doesn't make us a bad loved one. You were there, daily, showing up for her. I am sure she felt that, that love and that care. I hope you can know that, maybe her appearing in your dreams is a way for you to know that she knows you care. Your grieving is an ode to her, a streaming of your love, a continuation of your bond and that is also something she can sense. It's a totally different experience and not what we wanted for our lives, but we still have our connection with our deceased loved ones. Which to me is a huge comfort and what is getting me through. I am here with you on a grief journey and you can also reach out to me if you ever feel like it. Take care of your wounded soul.
Thank you so much for your reply. Your words have resonated with me & I will carry them with me going forward. You offered a beautiful perspective. Sending you love. & I’m sorry for your loss.
