Losing 3 loved ones in a year

Discussion in 'Dealing With Multiple Losses' started by Jaslene, Sep 13, 2018.

  1. Jaslene

    Jaslene New Member

    I’m new to this site. This all started last year, I remember it like it was just yesterday. My mom called me after lunch and told me she needed my help to get tickets to our home country. I was shocked, and asked what happened fearing the worst as I could hear the crack in her voice. She told me my grandfather (her dad) had been in an accident and had just died. He was hit by a car (a hit and run) and had agonized for a while before dying. But I found out about it when he was already dead. I quickly found tickets for that same night and informed my bosses that I had to leave immediately. I called my fiancé and told him what happened and to please pick me up. I couldn’t believe it, my grandpa was a strong man who worked until the day he died. No diseases, no high blood pressure, nothing... and we never found the person who took his life. And even though that was last year, it still hurts like it was just yesterday.

    Half a year later, my fiancé convinced me to go with him and friends on a weekend getaway a few states away. About 300 miles away. I had my doubts but I went anyways. It was a long drive maybe 8 hours , maybe more, but they drove at night so I tried to sleep. We got there, explored, and then checked in to our hotel and took a nap. When I woke up from that nap, my fiancé told me that I had several missed calls from my family. I thought it was because I forgot to call and tell them I arrived safely. But no, it was to tell me my uncle (my mom’s brother) had suddenly died. I was in shock, why, what happened. Turns out he was given the wrong dosage of medicine and the wrong medicine period (it conflicted with his TB diagnosis). I was 300 miles away from my family and I couldn’t drive back. I felt incompetent. I wanted to be there for my mom but I was too far away. I felt so alone. I cried a lot. I was anxious. It could not be explained.

    5 months later, I received the worst news. And I don’t even know how but still I maintened a positive attitude. My brother, who is only one year older than me, was diagnosed with cancer. My whole family honestly believed he could fight it and beat it. But less than 4 months later, he passed away. We were all there in the room when he passed away. And those are images I can never erase from my head. Those last moments. And I don’t know how to deal with all this grief. And I know this is so long and yet I still have so much to say. And I don’t know if anyone will read this. But I had to write it down.
  2. Sciguy

    Sciguy Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your family members. That is a lot to happen - especially in such a short span of time. I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I hope venting here will help.
  3. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    I had a similar experience though it has been awhile. You can survive this.

    In my case, they all died in my home over a 14 mo period and I discovered their bodies. First, my sister in March 1999 from an accidental overdose of prescribed methadone. She was 37.

    Then my father in Jan. 2000 of a heart attack. He was 89.

    Then my husband in May 2000 of a suicide. He was 52.

    It was very hard for a long time - 7 years. My husband's death was the hardest.

    So what I am saying is that it is very tragic and multiple deaths together make it harder. I moved from that house. I went to a therapist and a started prozac. I also kept a journal.

    Time dulled some of the ache. Talking about it helped greatly. B u t it still hurts, 19 years later.
    Jaslene likes this.
  4. Jaslene

    Jaslene New Member

    Thank you Michele, I'm so sorry that happened to you, it's awful. I've considered going to therapy, but I can't seem to push myself to do it. The result of everything that happened is that I have a hard time motivating myself to do anything, just going through the motions but not really feeling. I feel like after all this time, I'm just numb. I've tried writing it down but everytime I do, I start crying and I can't stop. And I get the feeling that to the outside world, they are saying, it's been a while, get on with your life, but it's not easy. Things that were easy before are now so hard to do. The only person that ever wants to talk about it is my mom. But she got hit with it even harder than me, so I feel like I need to be strong for her, and I'm not strong at all.
  5. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    If you can push yourself to therapy, it might benefit you. I always look forward to going to the therapist. She asks questions, we talk, she offers insights and professional advice, I cry, I mourn AND I feel better when I leave. It offers m e a safe place to discuss my loved ones. And it also did 18 years ago when I was mourning the three deaths.

    If you are feelibg numb, it might be because the death is really new or you are stuck. Crying is mourning and mourning is the outward manifestation of grieving. If we don't grieve, we will never be able to intefrare our loss into our new lives. You will never get over it, but you will come to be able to accept or acknowledge the death.

    Do not let people who have bot suffered losses judge or advise you. Until they have walked in your sh o es, they do not know what you are facing. Ignore their spoken or unspoken messages. You must grieve on your o w n time and your own terms.
  6. Ali k.

    Ali k. Member

    Hello , I am new on here and I am sorry for your loss. I am going through similar situation, I lost my dad last Feb. To cancer it broke my heart to see what he had endured while battling with this. I was trying to cope with his death when a few months later my uncle passed away dealing with one was hard but now there were two. I tried to hide my feelings deep within so I could go on and it worked for awhile until Sept last year my brother died suddenly , I felt as if my world was crashing down all around me , it's been extremely hard cause most of my family are gone and I feel sometimes feel so lost and all alone and I wonder how am I still going on when I lost so much endured so much heartache.