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Long road of complicated grief

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by wolfdream, Jan 4, 2022.

  1. wolfdream

    wolfdream Active Member

    Dear fellow travellers on a path we all wish didn't have to be true for our lives,

    It is very hard for me to open up about my story. Mostly because of shame and stigma. Also because a lot of people have shunned me and have told me I don't have the right to grieve.

    Also because I compare and see how others have shared many more years together, have become married, have had children. That makes it more real to a lot of people.

    I only met my partner for the first time in 2017 but once we became friends it was unlike any bond we had ever had in our lives, both with painful childhoods and fearful attachments. But we were healing to one another, so intensely loving and cherishing. Although we had to shed some painful layers we got unbelievably close and intimate. Crying gentle soft tears together while holding each other or looking at each other was something that happened a lot. I helped my boyfriend through the grieving process around his mother early into the relationship which brought us even closer. There were many very intense experiences. Just not marriage or having kids. We did live together.

    Enter the very end of 2020 my beloved started having psychotic bouts, I did my all to support him and help him through it but these were horrendous shocking months. It became increasingly dangerous by March of 2021. I knew I wanted to spend my life with him but I needed to be safe at this point and placed a boundary. It ended up that I needed to flee from the house, he was on a reckless self-destructive bender. Professionals told me I could be in danger. From afar I did what I could to help him and help his support team understand the situation better. My grieving for the partner I had lost through the psychosis was very extreme and our relationship seemed to have just ended. In my heart and soul my love and his importance to me never ended. In April I got a call that he had jumped from a window and had severe injuries. I wailed so much, he could have died. That was the last time I saw him, visiting in intensive care. He didn't want to see me anymore though we texted each other. He was completely dissociative. It was extremely difficult. I was told he would get psychiatric help, but he was released and never got help.

    In August he died by what most professionals conclude was suicide, a very traumatic sudden hard-to-fathom death. I only found out on the 1st of September, that's when the police forced entry. I was broken, shattered and got time off work. I have been in extreme grief since, for the relationship I lost which was so dear to me while my beloved was still alive, for his spiral into destruction and now the tragic end.

    I have no support. His family have turned on me, as if his descent into psychosis was my doing. I wasn't included in the funeral and I ended up staying away because they were so hostile. I only did my own ceremony late December. Our mutual friends deserted me. And at work I get berated for being sad, they told me flat out: why would you even be sad about it, it's just your ex.

    Luckily I met some people who acknowledge my grief, as does my doctor. Still I feel like a nobody in my grief. Although I had to protect myself by leaving, things became dangerous. I don't know how I would have survived having to find him or maybe I could have been attacked. But not still living with him now makes me a non-existent person of the past even though I was only gone 5 months when it happened.

    I am really crushed and the abandonment of others and non-support is making it very hard to cope.
    It feels intimidating to reach out to a community of others who were more 'properly' together.
    Yet my grieving started many months before my soulmate's death and it makes it very complicated for me.
    I had to learn to be without him before, but I feel hollow and have no joy or energy. I don't sleep, my heart is permanently broken. He was gone for so long, I really wanted him to just get better.

    He had turned 39. He was the only man I wanted a child with. Now I have given that up too.
    Life feels absolutely meaningless and unreal. I still feel shock too.
     
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  2. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    May I ask your name? When I saw your
    user name of Wolfman, I thought you were
    a male. I chose Van Gogh, bc he was a tortured soul, who ultimately, most people
    say, took his own life. My wife, Linda, &
    enjoyed many art museums together. She died suddenly, in front of me, from a
    pulmonary embolism, after 3 years of
    marriage.It was right before Thanksgiving.
    She was 68. I suffered PTSD, bc I couldn't
    get that last image of Linda, out of my head. My grief was magnified by my manic depression, & I voluntarily stayed in a
    small psychiatric unit, to treat my extreme
    bereavement and loneliness. I knew no
    one. Linda was my best( & only ) friend. We had no parents or children. I felt

    suicidal, & needed the counselor led
    groups, & other clients, who cared about
    each other. Your so called "family", in your
    hour of need, are a disgrace. Please remain
    with us here on GIC. Lou
     
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  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss of someone you were very close with and had hope to regain that closeness again once he was on a better path. You have nothing to prove to anyone. It’s sad that his family refuses to acknowledge what you had with their son and that you chose to back away for safety reasons. It’s possible they are hurting too bad to realize the closeness you had, but that doesn’t make it ok. And others that cruelly say he’s your ex, why are you grieving, just because you weren’t together doesn’t mean the love is gone. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so many inconsiderate people in your life. But I’m happy you’ve found a counselor/doctor snd some people who acknowledge your pain as real and true. Do not feel intimidated for sharing your story and asking for support. We got you. Your loss is real, you deserve to be heard and comforted. You’re not alone.
    I lost my husband to a sudden massive heart attack 3 years ago. Married 41 years together 44 years. We were together 24/7. Ran a business together and I went into shock the second I was told they couldn’t save him. But none of that makes my loss any more real then yours. Continue to reach out on this site when you feel up to it. There’s a huge community of people here that support one another and we’re here for you too. Robin
     
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  4. wolfdream

    wolfdream Active Member

    Hi Lou, my name is Natasha. Thank you for reaching out. I am sorry you had to live through the shock and trauma of losing Linda. I relate to my deceased soulmate being my best friend, also with having no parents or children he meant even more to me. I can understand how lonely your world must have bceome, as has mine. I am glad you found your way to help. I feel reluctant to write names as this forum is so public. I already have so many people who seem to be against me, his family, my family. I really walk this grief path alone, just lucky to have the right guiding angels come to me. I do count my blessings at least for the professionals in my life. I am awaiting some bereavement groups too aswell as grief therapy with quite a leading expert in that field in my country. Take care.
     
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  5. wolfdream

    wolfdream Active Member

    Dear Robin. Your acknowledgement of my loss: "your loss is real", makes me almost cry. I can't believe I am lacking even acknowledgement, let alone support. I hope you have received much better in the way of comfort from others after your other half passed away. It's so tragic what you had to live through and to deal with the emptiness he must have left in your life. It is so true what you wrote, you are very intuitive, that I was just waiting for my best friend to recover, come back to himself. Maybe like a naive child, as he had been acting so reckless, I was shocked beyond measure when IT actually happened! Others had the audacity to say or text "it wasn't unexpected", "it's a relief". I don't think many of our mutual friends actually felt grief for him even, they said things like it's his free will (while they whistled) a few days after the news or danced and had big smiles at the funeral. They are big into new age and law of attraction - only think of positive! Grief is low vibrational and not enlightened. They all left me behind. The family is in denial even about the cause of death, they made it into an innocent accident instead and projected their anger onto me. There is no way to be on the same page, even though I didn't try to convince them of anything, they linked his downward spiral with our relationship, very unfairly. It feels really nice to be heard, thank you. Natasha.
     
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  6. Countess Joy

    Countess Joy Well-Known Member

    Natasha,
    I’m sorry for your loss and the grief you are experiencing, especially grieving alone.
    There is no shame or stigma in grief here. Many of us have partners who weren’t spouses. We were together for short or long periods of time. We held a variety hopes and dreams for our futures. Children, retirement, health, marriage, travel, healing….
    This is a safe space and you belong as much as you desire to be. It is a public space and revealing personal details can be hard, share what you want, when you want. ~Bernadine
     
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  7. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Natasha, I’m glad my thoughts and instinct gave you a moment of relief. You deserve to to get support, no matter what people are saying you’re feeling the pain from a loss of someone who meant a lot to you. I’m so sorry that his family is acting how they are towards you. I know that just adds salt to the wound. I will say that most people when losing a spouse or family member feel guilt. Warranted or not that’s the usual default. I didn’t do enough, the woulda, coulda, shoulda stuff we go through. His family is putting blame on you it seems. They should have been there for him. They didn’t help him. You did your best and it was smart if you even terribly difficult, to walk away but still offer him support. I know that there’s nothing I can say to really give you peace. I know from experience and what has been said to me. Ron passed away so quickly with zero warning. I questioned did I miss something. We’re there signs I should have picked up on. But I know even if I had seen a sign of heart disease and asked him to see a doctor he’d say he’s fine. He always told me he’ll be here to take care of me forever. I suffer with arthritis pretty bad. And need help with daily things. I depended on him a lot, but he loved helping me. After the vents arrived and had him on a stretcher waiting to be rolled into the ambulance he yelled very clearly and loud. ”I love you Robin” many times, 4 or 5 times. I have guilt that I didn’t answer him. I thought he would be ok and come back home. I know he knew my love for him but I wish I had told him back I love you. I did go to him and rub his arm and let him know our daughter was on her way. That we could follow the ambulance and that I would there him. But I have guilt. We just do. But I’m your case they’re not saying they didn’t do enough they have the nerve to put it on you. How dare they. And this doesn’t seem like an accident. You are important, remember that. You deserve to be heard and deserve compassion and support. I’m glad you had a ceremony of your own. Try to be sure to get fresh air each day, breath in nature it is healing but takes so long. Take care of yourself. Robin.
     
  8. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your loss. Together or not at the time your loss is real. When you love someone as much as it seemed you loved him you can't help but hurt. You removed yourself from a situation to protect you. That didn't stop you from loving him. His family probably got guilt from not doing more and to make themselves feel better they pushing you away and blaming you. In times like this you all could support each and help one another get through this hard time but they aren't mature enough for that. Someone that would say you shouldn't hurt because it was an ex showed pure ignorance to your situation. I lost my love almost 2 years ago and hurt everyday. Night are the worse. I had a really bad night last night and barely got any sleep. Grief is real and people that don't understand what you've lost want understand what you are going through. We no its real and we are here to help support you. I pray for your strength with each passing day.
     
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  9. wolfdream

    wolfdream Active Member

    Thank you so much for reaching out and holding space for me, Bernadine. It's nice to feel heard. Grieving alone is really hard. I purchased a 'Grief Coach' subscription so I at least get some text message support. I am finding my way to professionals and volunteers who can help. But not having someone alongside me who knew my partner is really lonely. And makes me feel like a pariah, when all I did was love. I can't understand why that wasn't seen and why I am considered irrelevant by everyone. One person who adored us when we were a couple not so much as offered to see me in the aftermath shock of finding out. No sympathy card, nothing. I hope you experienced more comfort and support in your grieving and still are.
    Natasha.
     
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  10. wolfdream

    wolfdream Active Member

    Your compassionate reply really moved me, Robin. Your story is really heartbreaking, to be so close to your other half and him to be whisked away from life in an instant. I think we never can fathom our person leaving the Earth like that, it's just not possible because we love so deeply. We have all that belief in them, we want their healing and recovery to happen from the depth of our beings. We trust life, we trust all to be okay. I also understand all the lingering questions and worries you must have had of "If only I had said that or did that". As you are shattered knowing it actually was the last fleeting moment together. What I truly believe is that love you felt for Ron became it's own "being" as it were, after all those years. It was a deep knowing, a deep etched belief in Ron's soul. He definitely left feeling loved by you. It was probably more important for him to let you know. As I'm reading more of an esoteric book now on the passing of a loved one, and it seems they oftentimes sense this. It was important that he let you know. He didn't have a doubt in his heart about your feelings for him. I also empathize that not having said it back must have crushed you looking back. The doubt and the guilt prove you just would have wanted to do your very best and wished you would have done more. ' I understand it's a very real part of grief. I feel it too. Even though logically I know I did so much. Have you heard the story of Kristine Carlson? Just yesterday I was listening to her story on the sudden loss of her husband. She is far along on her grief journey but she also didn't see it coming. She got a lot out of feel feeling her partner's essence and guidance in her life and the belief that the soul lives on. You can find that on www.shapesofgrief.com That is also my strength right now. I binge listen to those podcasts often to find some company in others who 'get' it. Quite a few widow and widower stories on there.
    Blame really is toxic in grief, I do feel I am being blamed for the psychosis and death of my loved one in some way. I am journalling every day to work through all the difficult feelings. I know guilt must linger in them too but they have more numbing or self-avoiding tendencies to cope like substances. There must be so much pain not to even come to terms with the cause of death, not to even be able to 'stomach' that. I faced it. Even if it is crushing. I don't want to blame them either, I think no one could have stopped the self-destruction happening. Although I wish there was more psychological support and community holding him. But his family did become angry and midunderstood him in his last weeks and months instead of seeing how lost and psychotic and in need of help he was. It's just unspeakably tragic. I found a free place where you can just talk and get words of comfort, I went there yesterday. Had a lady really listen to me, even cry along a bit and give me a hug in the end. It was very heartwarming. Even though I entered and left with a broken heart. To have that humanity and someone helping me hold it for a while and to be seen, meant the world. I hope your day also holds some comfort. Thank you for being there. Natasha.
     
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  11. wolfdream

    wolfdream Active Member

    Thank you, Sweetcole. I'm sorry you are going through a hard time right now. I relate to nights being the worst. I wake up so much and don't sleep well, process like crazy in my dreams. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and that others are helping you carry your loss and hopefully not ignorant about things having to be "moved on from" at certain stages. The grief continues as the love continues so it doesn't go away, yet I hope things become more bearable for us all.
    I believe in my case absolutely there is little emotional intelligence or empathy in those around me. It will drive me to find another job which at least is a positive, perhaps they are narcissistic types (which sadly my family are too so they will not support me at all). My loved one's family I feel are being disloyal to their brother because I was an important part of his world. He kept talking about me, all my photos and of us were all over his bedroom when he passed. To want to shin me is disrespective to him aswell, it energetically kicked me out of his celebration of life. It would have been very meaningful for him for me to be there and contribute. It's very hard to get through this disappointment and anger. Absolutely I was in danger around the springtime and had to leave, only a season later he was dead. It is tragic beyond words. It hurts me so much. I wish I had other people who knew him who could also validate my feelings and want to know about what happened those last months, but they'd rather draw their own conclusions. I miss humanity in so many people right now. Luckily I found this place though.
     
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  12. Gary166

    Gary166 Guest

    Natasha thanks for the heads up on shapesofgrief.com. It has a lot of valuable and free material. I’m going to read how to deal with negative emotions first. This is great having another Grief Warrior who is armed with new strategies for battle against Mr Grief. Have you read the book Wolf Medicine by Wolf Moondance? Just curious. A female shaman who had many interesting visions. I liked the book. I’m glad you crossed over to loss of spouse. Gary
     
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