Long list of loss....

I'm new here. Although I can't write out everything that is in my aching heart, this is a quick glimpse into my torment and own personal Hell of loss. I guess I could fit into a number of different categories, but the most profound is the sudden loss.....not being able to say goodbye, and not being ready to live without them....

In 2007, at just 58 yrs old, my mother had a sudden and very unexpected heart attack. She never regained consciousness and after 5 days on life support, we turned off the machines and for 26 hours, agonizingly watched her chest slowly rise and fall with each breath, until she finally gained her wings on August 13th, 2007. Her and my father had been married for 33 years. As a family, we were broken.

About 3 weeks after my mom's death, we found out we were unexpectedly expecting. Long story short, through ultrasound, we found out we were having twins. We were floored, but the pregnancy gave me something to occupy my thoughts and grief. At then 10 weeks, it was confirmed that we lost our pregnancy. The loss was painful and devastating, but still paled in comparison to losing my mom just a few months earlier. I couldn't believe God could or would be so cruel and heartless.

After repairing a lifelong frail and difficult relationship with my father, on August 30th, 2010, police officers arrived at my front door to deliver more heartbreaking news: my father was dead. He too, died of a sudden and unexpected heart attack while volunteering time at a local organization. He had only been retired for 4 months and was just 62 years old. The lifesaver that I had so desperately clung to while trying to find a way to live without my mom, was now snatched away from me. A large part of my soul died the day I became an orphan.

Approx. 5 weeks after my dad's death, my sister-in-law's mother committed suicide by hanging. She was only 55 and left 4 children behind, the youngest still in high school.

January 16th, 2012, after a year with leukemia, my dad's brother (who was also my dear Godfather) passed away. Once again, our family attended another funeral. Heartache was the new normal.

In honor of my mother, since her death in 2007, I had taken on the role of caring for her elderly mother (my loving & amazing grandmother) and her frail, elderly sister. After my mom's death in 2007, my grandmother would often say, "I'm old, it should have been me that died, not her - she still had so much life ahead of her." After living a long life of heartache and burying her husband and 5 of her children, she quickly succumb to dementia & Alzheimer's. After suffering a massive stroke, we followed through on our promise to her and withdrew all life-prolonging measures. After 8 days of watching our vibrant and beautiful grandmother waste away, she died on February 22nd, 2014.

I am broken, seemingly beyond repair. I suffer every waking minute of the day and have nightmares at night. I am on handfuls of medications, and currently undergoing therapy. I think of suicide daily. And although I love my 3 children beyond measure, if it were up to me and given the opportunity, I'd gladly join my parents in a heartbeat. I have no family, which also means my children have no family (my older children do not have the other side of their family in their lives) and I cannot bear the thought of leaving my children in this awful, cruel world alone. So instead, I silently (and sometimes not-so-silently) go through the motions of enduring another dreadful day, waiting for my turn to die.

 

Thank you, yes, I understand about suicide and why you need to address it. Thank you for caring enough to say something about it. I have known far too many who have sadly chosen that option.

As attractive as the option is to end the suffering, my personal & spiritual beliefs are that we were all put here to learn certain life lessons. If we decide to take our lives, then we don't "learn" the lessons we were given (by God) and thus believe our souls are given no rest (in Heaven) but are instead, are immediately sent back to Earth, in a new body, to try again. In that new life, are the same pain and the same difficulties, and it will continue to be so - until we complete this life in the way God has set out for us. So for ME, knowing there is no rest and no reprieve if I choose to end my life (early), I would never ever want to relive this life. This life has much too painful and much too difficult to knowingly choose to relive it. Some days, this is all I have to hang onto, but so far....it's been enough to make it through one more hour, one more day. <3