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Loneliness From Crisis to Chronic

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by plalonde, May 1, 2019.

  1. plalonde

    plalonde New Member

    I am two days from noting the 14 month anniversary since my wife died. In the beginning it is a crisis and people rally around you. "If you need anything call me", they say. But as soon as the preacher said, "Amen!" at the funeral people started slipping/pulling away. In the beginning it was a few but it hurt. After six months there were a lot. Now after 14 months only two people are left out of the dozens my wife and I considered friends and good acquaintances. EVERYONE is gone. Since my daughter and I have no other family it really hurts.

    I knew from the beginning that nobody wanted to talk about my wife or the past so I didn't and don't. I am just looking to break-bread and spend time with folks and talk about the weather and what is happening in their lives. Even if I'm buying dinner I can't get them to show. "I'll get back with you after I check my calendar..." is what I hear. FYI, they NEVER call back.

    Grief when you loose a spouse is a a chronic condition and requires support for the long game and not just the week after their passing.

    What have you experienced? Where have you found support?
     
    WeWereBestFriends and Kirsteng like this.
  2. AdriaStar

    AdriaStar Active Member

    I, too, am approaching the 14 month mark since my son passed. Like you said, life goes on for those around us. I still have friends checking in with me and I know if I reach out I will have support.

    It may be different for you as part of a couple. I know when I got divorced, it was a lot like you're talking about here. You had couple friends, now you're 'single' as it were so it changes the dynamics of the friendships. Also, generally speaking, the female in the relationship usually nurtures the friendships, keeps them going and maybe with your wife's passing, that connection is gone.

    I suggest finding widow/widower groups or maybe MeetUps where you met others with the same interests. It's possible that you'll have to recreate your 'new' family group just because of the change in your circumstances.

    Best wishes to you and hugs while we travel this journey of grief and transition.....
     
  3. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Hello Adriastar and polande it is ironic that there are 7.5 billion people on the planet and we end up lonely. I go to yoga classes. Just slow how are you type conversations? Some volunteer work and should add to that. Just a walking companion would be nice. I have an old High School pal that I reconnected with via Face Book. He lives now in NM. having moved from Seattle. He is building a new life but more from an economic desition. Cost of living issues. We both tried some online dating sites. My interest was really just dinner and life stories. He has looked into outdoor hiking type groups. I really should follow his lead. Picking activities with easy grounded people like nature people. Maybe a pain in the ass to sort out what you would do but like the Nike commercial, " Just Do It". A little easier said than done but what choice do we have. Best to you both and all of us here. Is there a motivation pill?
     
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  4. AdriaStar

    AdriaStar Active Member

    I was just reading an article about how so many people are lonely these days, this article was about young people so it surprised me somewhat. I am moving to Santa Rosa, NM next week to be near my daughter and grandkids. It just feels right when I'm with them. I've moved a lot so I've learned how to build a community each time and I'm still friends with two of my old high school friends. I feel I have a strong support group but I had to work at developing that...it didn't just happen. I work from home 100% so it's important for me to schedule lunches at least once a week with friends and visit with my neighbor who also works at home.
    Volunteering at hospice may be a good way to give back and also connects you with a group of kindhearted friends.
    From a female perspective, I feel dating sites are a little scary, I don't know how it works for me...LOL
    From a veteran at rebuilding my life over and over again, you have to do the work each time.
     
  5. BarbG

    BarbG Member

    Adria - What type of work do you do from home? I'm curious since I'm looking at retirement soon. I have two Samoyed dogs and would like to be home with them more. They are currently in crates while I work so allowing them to be free would be really nice. I'm trying to figure out what retirement will look and feel like, I do know that I would have to work at going out since I'm an introvert. I lost my husband almost 4 years ago to Alzheimer's and I miss him terribly!
     
  6. AdriaStar

    AdriaStar Active Member

    So I'm considered a 'subject matter expert' and work as a writer and editor for a website that is being developed to help students create research reports/bibliographies. I have a Master's in Library Information and Science so that's how I got my job. It is full-time. I found my job on a site called virtual vocations, there are others, like flexjobs etc.
    It's lovely to have dogs at home while you work. I got a nice big lazy dog after my son passed away, and then he died eight months later...ugh it was heartbreaking. He was a senior dog, I think he probably had health issues even when I got him. They said he was six but I'm pretty sure he was closer to 9 or 10. So that was too sad for me and haven't got any pets again.
     
  7. BarbG

    BarbG Member

    Sounds like an interesting job . . . I work as a Director of Adult & Community Education in a public school system. I have almost 41 years in education so am starting to think about retirement. I would like to do some writing or computer work of some kind but haven't figured it all out yet.

    My Samoyeds will be 11 in July. They are brother and sister and certainly keep me busy!
     
  8. AdriaStar

    AdriaStar Active Member

    sounds like you have a good background to finding an online job then. It really is nice working at home. I have my grandkids here a lot during summertime and am able to help my daughter so that's good. I enjoy having them around, they are 7 and 10, good ages easy to care for.
     
    BarbG likes this.
  9. diana harvey

    diana harvey New Member

    Plalonde, This is not uncommon to finds so-call friends slip away. They find it uncomfortable being around grief. "Call me if you need anything" means nothing. I try not to take it personally but I still do. It's terribly lonely! After a year and a half of my husband being gone, I'm discovering I must do the work on my own. I volunteer at a few places, but it's not enough. I'm going to take a class at our local college and simple reach out and make NEW friendships. This site is a validator!
     
  10. cg123

    cg123 Well-Known Member

    It is very difficult but be thankful that you have your daughter. Sometimes people pull away because they don't know what to say or how to deal with such grief. I lost my sister about 3 mos ago and she was the only family I had. We moved from FL to TN and I do not have any friends here but plan on returning to FL eventually.
     
    AdriaStar likes this.
  11. Kirsteng

    Kirsteng New Member

     
  12. Kirsteng

    Kirsteng New Member

    I needed to read this .. thank you for sharing. I’m so very sorry for your loss our stories are different but the feelings are so similar. Never been lonelier, little bitter! Even my own family can’t be bothered it’s sad and eye opening
     
  13. Debra M

    Debra M Well-Known Member

     
  14. lredditt

    lredditt Well-Known Member

    I am also almost at 14 mos. I have dated some men but end up with short term relationships. I am so very lonely today. Sunday's seem to be the worst. I cannot just go, go go, but my house is so very empty. Thank you for reading Lorry
     
  15. Debra M

    Debra M Well-Known Member

    Hi my name is Debra, and I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. And my heart goes out to you. I lost my husband on Febriary 11th, 2022. And I have very few people to turn to for support, abd the grief of way beyond extremely heartbreaking! And it is so true that we all do need support in such an extremely painful time... and please reach feel free to reach out to me anytime....
    Take care always,
    Debra
     
  16. lredditt

    lredditt Well-Known Member

    Debra: I was doing better and going out a little to ease the pain but my grief and missing my husband just keeps coming at odd times. Why does it seem like everyone else is ok and has intact families. I am so alone. Lorry
     
  17. Debra M

    Debra M Well-Known Member

    Hi, Lorry
    I understand completely how you are feeling, what you are going through. Like a grief counselpr told me, there are several stages of grief, and each one we go through, can go back and forth at any time... there is shock, disbelief, missing your loved one, loneliness, but not in any certain order, because you can go back and forth into different stages... and I also know how you feel about everyone else being ok and having intact families. The extreme pain and loneliness that we feel is very deep, and hurts so very much... and know that I will be thinking of you, and feel free to reach out to me anytime.
    And I'm sending you many virtual hugs!

    Debra
     
  18. lredditt

    lredditt Well-Known Member

    Debra Thank you. My children were not my husbands so they do not contact me much. Does it ever get any better? It is so lonely. I date and then when it ends it is worse. Lorry
     
  19. Debra M

    Debra M Well-Known Member

    You're welcome, Lorry. I understand, and I just wish that you had people around you so you could get the support that we all need! And from what my grief counselor told me, it does get better... and my husband just died on February 11th, so of course it will take time for it to get better for me. And in the meantime, there are a lot of kind and empathetic people here at GIC that are supportive and totally understand how we feel, as they too have experienced the extreme pain that you and I are going through. I would like to be your friend and be someone to support you throughout your grief. And I will be here for you.

    Debra
     
  20. lredditt

    lredditt Well-Known Member

    Thank you Debra!!! I appreciate you so much. My Neil died last Thanksgiving and it hits me hard at times. I have been searching for another Neil everywhere. I cannot stand the emptiness in this house without him. I took care of him for ten years and he was so very sick -- toward the end he was really bad. I lost myself. Lorry
     
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