Just had to get this out... even if it's not all of it.

Well, another yearly round of holidays has come and passed. Not that the holiday season ever feels like it should since he's been gone. Truthfully it never really has throughout any/all of my adult years aside from the years we spent together. I miss him and our life, our home, all the love he gave me that I was sure I would never have or experience before I met him. I miss being loved by someone that I didn't have to hide anything about myself from. He's the only person that's ever seen all of me. The weird, the good and bad, the embarrassing. Everything. Being loved like that...I can't even put into words how that felt. I hope I made him feel as loved as he did me. What I really miss, amongst so many other things bout him and our time together, is just having him to love..lay next to at night and feel so blessed to have him. Now I'm so broken and worse off in every way than I was when I met him after finally feeling like my best and happiest me while we were together.. still don't understand losing him like I did, why so fast, why I couldn't have gotten at least another couple years with him, why everything had to domino effect into shit after I lost him and why the loss stripped me of not only all the growth and newfound confidence I had established being with him but propelled me far enough back that I'm in an all too familiar negative place with myself and life. A place I hadn't been since at least 2 years before he came into my life. The fact that I'm back at this point alone makes it worse. Been 2 years and 2 1/2 months now and I've made it so far just barely hangin on. Even if it's jus barely, I'm still hangin on cause I promised you I would keep going.. I still miss you terribly my Babylove. I can still say not a day has passed that I haven't thought about you. I love you. - Babycakes

 

What a beautiful tribute you’ve written. So sorry for your loss of your wonderful partner. I assure you, he knew and felt as loved by you as you felt from him. I can tell by your writing that you shared a beautiful life full of love together. I lost my husband suddenly to a massive heart attack 3 yrs ago. It happened so fast and came out of no where. No warning signs. We spent a beautiful day together and at 9:30 pm while watching tv he didn’t feel well. At 11:34 pm he was taken from me. I didn’t think I could live a minute without him. But I’m here somehow. We were together 44 yrs, married 41. He’s still with me, he’s a part of who I am. I honor him every day and he’s my inspiration to get up each day. I need to make him proud I’m his wife. I understand your struggle and the pain. And the wishes for more time. I keep saying that forever wouldn’t have been long enough. You feel that too. Take care of yourself, he would want you to. wishing you and everyone on here a Better New Year. Robin

 

I'm sorry for your loss. I felt the love through your post so I assure you he felt it from you as you did him. Your post spoke to me as if I were reading some of my own thoughts. Its been almost two years since I lost my love and like you what I miss most is just having him to love. Keep remembering how you felt with him and hold on to that. Let that keep you in a good place as you take on each day. Plan out what you going to do each day and write it down or talk to him about it. Do things you know he'd want you to do. Keep letting that promise motivate you to keep going. I can tell you're stronger than you thought you'd be. Continue to pray for strength each day. Praying for strength and Our kids is what keeps me going.

 

Sweetcole, I lost my husband to cancer 1 year ago, Nov 4th. It's been hell. This morning I got on GIC site and saw your post to Ms T. Howlett. Your positive words are just what I needed this morning as I'm feeling the holidays without my hubby, Jack. I see it's been two years since your loss, your insight probably comes with time and prayers and your kids to keep you going. Blessings, Karen

 

Hey Karen im sorry for your loss. Im glad my words helped you. Thats what this sight is all about. I look forward to talking to my friend on here. Praying for strength each day helps but its definitely been an adjustment that still don't seem real at times. I hope that we all become a little stronger this year to get through. Jack and Gant (my love) would want us to keep thriving. Thank God we made it through the holidays and keeping the faith that we continue to get stronger with each passing day.

 

I know what Jack would want me to do, but it's just hard getting there. Yes, Gant and Jack would want us to keep thriving and that's exactly what we are trying to do. Part of me went with Jack and the other part is floating around wondering what to do with my life. There is no joy, I just wake up and take care of things on my list--work related around my property. Jack's cat, Rambo, is now my buddy. He shares Jack's side of the bed so I don't feel so lonely. Of course, on top of the covers only. He wakes me up by staring at me, we then play for awhile then time to eat. He's almost 16 and keeps the void in this house filled.
I have a daughter who lives across the street that has save me from hanging myself mentally, of course.
Well, enough, I'm just in a chatty mood feeling lonely. God Bless, Karen

 

Karen,

It totally SUCKS!!! SUCKS!!! seems to say it all, short, to the point. I've been repeating this over and over again, since yesterday. I've been so sad... so over the top lonely..., since New Year's Eve, when I had to drop my son off at the airport. I find the only thing that helps, is either "talking" to everyone on GIC, or sitting on my couch, in total silence..., wrapped in my very favorite bereavement blanket, my hands wrapped around a hot mug of tea, with a box of tissues nearby, watching the flickering flame on the candle that's on my coffee table. Sitting in silence, doing absolutely nothing, gives me that feeling of "calm," mixed with sad... This is so much better than that over the top, stressed out 24/7, stressed to the max, mixed with sad feeling, I had for so many years. I know you've tried the candle method, but can't remember whether or not it helped you too. If it helps, my best advice is to go for it again, cuddled up with Rambo. I know I say this lots, but, and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, I'm so glad your daughter lives across the street from you, and helps keep you "glued" together.

This over the top lonely feeling is the absolute worst!!!, TU!!! Praying that 2022 will be a better year for all of us...

As always, sending you and Rambo lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Sweetcole,

I don't believe that we are still on this earth just to be miserable. I believe with all my heart that Grant, Ms. T. Howlett's partner, Jack, Ron, Bob, and everyone elses' one true love of their lives, would want us to move on, to do whatever we possibly can, to find some sort of happiness again, (have no idea what this might look like!!!), and eventually peace... I have to believe this. I don't think I would be able to make it through another day if I didn't believe this.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Welcome Ms T Howlett. I’m very sorry for your loss. My name is Gary and I lost my girlfriend Cheryl 8 months ago suddenly and unexpectedly to a cardiac arrest. Cheryl had no health issues and there were no warning signs. Cheryl died because of obstructive sleep apnea. You described the exact relationship as mine with Cheryl. Cheryl accepted me for all my flaws and brought joy into my life. During the lockdown last year I was mildly depressed and Cheryl was always cheerful and encouraging. I know the lost and bewildered feelings well. At first I wondered if I had the desire to keep going. But I made it one day at a time and decided not to quit. This is the hardest thing we are ever going to do. But we don’t have to do it alone. I found in person grief meetings locally and started counseling but there was a huge disconnect between meetings and sessions. GIC has filled the gap. I have a continuity of communication with my friends here. We share our worse feelings with each other and relate. We give each other hope and direction. We have a very kind and humble leader who has done much inner work on grief. Lou has guided us to sites like centersforloss.com and encouraged us to read books. I want to encourage you to stay and make real friends here. Gary

 

Karen I’m glad to see your post today. It has been an emotional day for me too. I had a couple moderate waves of grief hit me. You’ve been through a lot lately with the snow storm and losing your power so long. Read the chapter “Heaven” in Permission to Mourn. I was walking to get the paper and when I got to the edge of the house a purple finch just missed my head flying by. I stopped dead in my tracks and thought could it be? Absolutely it was Cheryl. I put 8 pictures in the hutch of Cheryl during her school girl days. One is Cheryl’s engagement photo. She is hot! I have found comfort looking at the pictures and giving Cheryl an air hug sometimes. I’m very lonely too Karen but at least we have each other. We are TGW. We get down but never count us out. Sleep tight Karen. Gary

 

Ms. T. Howlett,

Sometimes there aren't any words in the English language to express how I'm feeling. This is one of those times. So, I hope you know how very sorry I am for your loss. My husband, Bob, died over eight months ago. It's been a roller coaster ride of emotions, with way too many downs, and not enough ups. He was sick for many years, suffered from many health issues, all required different medical specialists, and were treated as though they were all chronic health conditions. In the beginning of 2018, I became his full time caregiver. He health began rapidly spiraling downward, and I was stressed out to the max, 24/7, and way beyond sad..., scared of the future...

As I said to Sweetcole, I don't believe we're still on this earth just to be miserable. I agree with her, Robin, Karen, that your partner, and my husband, Bob, and everyone else's one true love of their lives, would want us to move forward, to create a new life for ourselves, find some kind of happiness, and finally peace... Just like Gary, all of us found the strength not to give up, to keep moving forward. I'm glad you're doing the same.

This is a wonderful site, made up of warm, caring people, all who have lost a very special person in their lives and understand the total heartbreak you're going through. I know that nothing I can do or say, can take away any of this pain, but I've found that it helps just to be able to "talk" to people who truly "get" it. This has become my safe place to come to whenever I need a virtual "hug," some advice, someone to "listen..." just be here for me. My friends on GIC have given me the strength to continue moving forward. After Bob died, finding this site was the very best thing I've done for myself. I'm very glad you found us, but so sorry you had to.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you Gary, I will read the chapter, Heaven. We all are going through tough times, but at least we have each other. And don't let the bedbugs bite.