It goes in threes

Discussion in 'Life After Caregiving' started by RacMag, Nov 23, 2018.

  1. RacMag

    RacMag New Member

    2 years ago my 91 year old grandpa died from complications from pneumonia. Last year my Mom died from Leukemia. Last month my grandma died at the age of 92. She simply stopped eating after decline post spinal injury from a fall, and had hospice come to her apartment for her last week of life. I was my grandparents main caregiver with the exception of 5 months in a nursing home for Grandpa. Here’s the thing, my husband gets that I’m grieving my grandma, he’s grieving his own as well. He doesn’t understand that I’m 40something, and have no one close to me from earlier generations left. I know we all get here eventually, I just didn’t expect to feel so alone, so soon. I feel like I’m grieving all of them, and it’s so overwhelming. Side note - Dad died when I was 17... suicide. I can’t call my mom to say hi or Grandma to check on her. I have all the “keep” belongings from Grandma in my garage, and know I need to get rid of more, but can’t really bare to go through all the stuff. I don’t even know what else to say... my mother in law seems to think it her job to step up to fill the role of my mom, but I can assure you that is NOT what I need. My husband points out that I still have him and my kids, and I do, but they can’t replace this big missing piece I have right now. That’s all, folks.. wishing this was a bit more uplifting for you all, but that’s just not where I am.
  2. Sciguy

    Sciguy Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your various losses. It is not, and never will be, the same. Hopefully though, we can adapt and focus on those who are still here and depend on us - while keeping the memories of our lost loved ones alive.
  3. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    Try and remember the best qualities of those that are gone. Adopt those and carry on with others. Your husband will not 'get it'becuase, sorry, he is a man.
    Not that men can't be emotional, but he wants to be the most important person in your life and really can't fathom your sadness, after all, they were old. He wants to fill up your emptyness. Maybe you need to do some volunteer work with seniors. Like Meals on Wheels, or adopting a grandma in a nursing home. My husband was in a facility for 4 years and I go back and visit once a month. The staff are all my friends and elderly residents welcome a friendly smile and some small talk. Trust me,some of them had ZERO visitors and I was there every day for 4 years. I adopted so many of them, I got a group greeting when I arrived each day. That is one of the rerasons I continue to go there. . It feeds my soul even though I never thougth I would everwant to step foot in there again. Blessing and Peace
    AdriaStar and Theresevaughn like this.
  4. Lisa7

    Lisa7 New Member

    I know how you feel. It is very hard emotionally. I am struggling with my mom’s passing as well. It hurts and the pain is real. Some of my friends don’t understand this. This community is helpful. I pray you may find peace and comfort.
    Theresevaughn likes this.
  5. Theresevaughn

    Theresevaughn Member

    It’s amazing you go back to the senior center. My mom was active in a church group called the Catholic Daughters. Maybe I’ll join and also do meals on wheels. What good ideas, thank you!

  6. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    When my mother passed at 94 it was stunning the power of grief. We had talked at 91 that she was tired and really was ready to leave. So many of her activities had dropped off. My role was more decision making and looking out for her as the dementia advanced. She passes on December 24 at 4:00 AM. My last executive decision was how to handle the cremation. Every thing up to that point had been reasoned decisions and her end was expected. Then the psychotic break of days of pain and grief. Waves of emotions I could not control. I wanted to reason this out but no. This faculty went off line and was not usable. So when my wits did return I thought what was that. This was so intense a reaction to an expected event. The four truths came out of the pain. First this was my mother. The only person who loves you so unconditionally and really when you don't deserve it. Then the flood of all the things she had done on a day to day basis for my well being. A flood of memories all at once. Then the concept of knowing there are foundational people in our lives that held us up as we grew our sea legs into adult hood. There is a lonesomeness, and some fear about can we be on our own. Can we be foudational for others? Then the big question. Did I do right by my mother. All this is over whelming material. My answer to the last question was yes but could have been better. That leaves with going forward the lesson of course correction. How can I improve on relationships going forward. These people did mean so much in our lives. What did they do? How did they do it? Can we be like them?

    Hope this helps Paul
  7. AdriaStar

    AdriaStar Active Member

    When I worked in hospice, we often talked of how losing your parents means you're losing your history, losing the people who knew the most about us, the people who brought us into life and so the loss is deep. We may become 'orphans' if/when both parents have passed and if you've been a caretaker, your every day life changes radically.

    My daughter, who is 33, started really thinking about that when her brother passed and she started thinking about how it would be when I'm gone and she has no one. I actually teased a little about that because she has 2 kids,a nephew, 3 younger half-siblings, and over 60 first cousins but I know that she will feel the loss deeply as we are so close.

    I actually come from a family of seven. My mom had four kids in four years and another 4 years later. My father passed, then my brother, who was the oldest, then my mom. When there was just four of us left, our family felt empty, gone even though we four are still left and all relatively young.

    Peace and love to all who hurt....
  8. Aude

    Aude Member

    I understand your daughter’s fears. Losing your mom means losing your best friend and the one person who has been with you the whole time you’ve been alive. No one can ever make up for that. No one. And it doesn’t matter how old you are when she dies. It still leaves a gaping hole in your soul.