On December 2nd I lost the love of my life, my H.S. sweetheart and wife of 56 years. Elaine survived COPD and 2+years with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. During this time, I was her sole caregiver. Ironically, she died not from the cancer but from extensive internal bleeding early that morning in the hospital. She was taken by ambulance with stomach pain around 9:30PM the previous night. At 79 I don't drive at night plus it was snowing quite hard so both my son and daughter went. At 11:30 my son called to say they had not found the problem yet but told me to go to sleep and he would wake me if need be. I went to sleep thinking, like so many other times she had been seen for various ailments unrelated to her Cancer, I would see her back home when I woke in the morning. At 2 am my son called to tell me they found thru a CAT SCAN the massive bleeding and when Elaine was told only a 7-hour surgery might save her life, she refused and said she had suffered enough and was ready to go. I had to say good-bye to her over the phone and she died a very short time after that. I have so much regret of not being there and guilt of the effect on both my children of having to hold her hands and kissing her cheeks in the short time she was alive. They both told me, and the Emergency room doctor confirmed it when I spoke to him by phone the next morning that he and his nurses never saw someone so at peace with their decision. Only my belief in God and Heaven and the fact she is pain-free now gets me through a day. I wake at 4am every day, look at the now empty bed in the bedroom she slept in and cry like a newborn baby. Her ashes sit in a small urn with a picture of the two of us on it in our (now just my) living room. So hard to learn not to say 'we" anymore. I zoom with a grief counselor once a week, joined a 13-week grief program also by zoom and am re-joining a Senior Center, going to the local Y for some activities and also, to an "open mike" night at the local library. I say good morning to her every day and end every evening by telling her about my day and wish her a good evening. Now in reading quite a few posts here I have never read of anyone getting a sign from their loved one. Twice on different nights I have been woken from my sleep by hearing her call my name, "den". I swear it sounded like it came from her room. She would call me on the baby monitor in my room each morning when she woke or in the middle of the night if she needed help going to the bathroom (she used a walker in the house a wheelchair to go to the casino her greatest joy or a dr. appointment.) So just last night I asked her if she could give me a sign, not just mention my name something to let me know she is OK. This morning when I went for my walk, I put on Sirius Radio on my phone as I always do and the first song i heard was Richard Marx singing "wherever you are, whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you". I took that as her answer to my request. I cried but then I felt such peace: I now know that even if I have to carry the guilt and regret I feel to my grave she will be waiting for me and we will be together for eternity. Below are 3 books that are helping me through this unwanted journey and that have made me secure in my belief in the Afterlife if they help anyone on the same sad journey I am on I will be very glad. All three are available on Amazon. Dennis A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis After Caregiving Ends, A Guide to Beginning Again by Denise M. Brown Hello From Heaven by Bill & Judy Guggenheim
HUGs and so sorry for your loss. We each deal in our own ways. Some pass through the stages quickly and some take longer. Some of us feel the grief will never end, and it doesn't end it just gets softer and finds its own place in our heart. I lost my husband many years ago and still talk to him. I have a little stuffed animal in a basket on my kitchen counter that i talk to when i pass it and give a quick touch. I have have felt contact from him in a few different ways. Some caught me off guard and some felt quite natural. I have tried to create a different life but still miss our life together. HUGS to you and give your self time. Try to spend time with family and friends you are comfortable with. and continue to come in here where you will be welcomed by those who understand. HUGS
