I'm regressing not progressing

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Lisaislost, Jun 3, 2023.

  1. Lisaislost

    Lisaislost New Member

    Hi all.
    Sorry we have to meet here. :(
    I lost my 57 year-old husband suddenly on 2/25/22. Nine weeks later I lost my Dad. What an awful time.
    I thought I was doing better. Met a man and dated him the past 5 months. Two weeks ago he broke up with me because he ran intonan old flame and they rekindled their relationship. I am devastated, truthfully. I feel like I'm in the depths of grief again. I truly enjoyed this man's company and I felt like life was so much brighter and happier when i was with him. I met a man online last weekend and we met the next day. Great on paper, but no attraction in person
    He texted me and told me this! I know dating involves rejection, buy I'm having a difficult time not thinking something is wrong with me. :( I don't have children. I have a small handful of friends that I rarely see. I just feel so adrift on a stormy sea of aloneness. I'm thinking maybe a grief counselor might be a good idea?
    Gary166 and Van Gogh like this.
  2. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    Words seem so shallow at times, now being one of them, but I hope you know how truly sorry I am that both your husband, and father, passed away, especially within such a short time of each other. My husband, Bob, died in April of 2021. He was sick for many years, but it wasn't until the beginning of 2018 that I had to become his full time caregiver. By the time he transitioned, he had a specialist for just about every body part. It was the hardest, most challenging job ever!!!, TUTTAM (Total Understatement To The Absolute Max!!!), but, and this is a very BIG!!! BUT!!!, I would do it all over again, if only I could...

    I don't know you well enough to offer advice on whether or not you should see a grief counselor. Unfortunately, being alone, feeling lonely, is something all of my friends on this site experience. The only way this kind of loneliness could go away, would be if the one true love of our lives, was able to return to earth. It SUCKS!!!, TUTTAM!!!

    Being alone, and feeling lonely, even though both can happen simultaneously, are two different things. We can be alone without feeling lonely, but being lonely as a result of our loved ones transitioning, is altogether different. Even when I'm spending time with neighbors or friends, enjoying a beautiful afternoon outside, surrounded by all the beauty God created, I'm lonely. I miss Bob with all my heart, and always will. For me, after a little over two years, life has become a combination of happy mixed with sad, (to quote Robin, a member of our GIC "family," and one of my friends), so over the top bittersweet. It SUCKS!!!, but it's so much better than the alternative.

    IMHO, if you were happy with the person who you've morphed into since your husband and father transitioned, the rejection, from these two men, although it SUCKS!!!, wouldn't have you questioning your emotional health.
    Your self worth has absolutely NOTHING!!! to do with them!!!, TUTTAM!!!

    If being rejected by them, has made you question whether or not you're okay, then I think seeing a grief counselor might be a good idea. However, as I already said, I don't know you well enough to be offering you advice. This is just my two cents. This is a judgement free zone, so no matter what you say, or do, we will be here to support you, in any way we can.

    This site has become my safe place, the place I visit whenever I need a virtual hug, want to "talk," or just "listen" to others' stories. Sometimes we even share some lol moments. I hope this will become your safe place too. As crazy as this sounds, I've made many friends here, friends, who in some ways, know me better than some of my in person friends know me. It's because of these friendships, that I've been able to grow from the most heartbreaking kind of pain imaginable, and morph into a better version of myself.

    I will always be grateful to my GIC friends, for always being here for me, for all of us," TUTTAM!!! As usual, I'm a creature of habit, and stuck on TUTTAM!!!, a word I made up when I landed here, in what now seems like ages ago... I think we all have to be a little crazy, in order to remain sane, in this totally f*cked up!!!, bittersweet world, we've been thrown into, but will stop here, before I begin rambling on and on and on, outlasting that "Energizer Bunny," and end up sending you, what Lou, one of my GIC friends, calls my "books." (In case you haven't guessed it, I'm also known for my run on sentences.)

    Welcome to our GIC "family." I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. I hope you will stick around, give us the chance to get to "know" you, and you the chance to get to "know" us.

    Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
  3. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Lisa, you've come to the right
    place. I call ourselves The Grief
    Warriors ( TGW), bc we all
    understand the agony of
    loneliness after the deaths of our
    soulmates. My wife, Linda, died
    suddenly from a pulmonary
    embolism, right in front of me.
    She was 68. We were married
    25 yrs, no children. She had a
    premonition of her death. One
    day, she surprised me by saying
    if anything happened to her, that
    I'd promise to be healthy, try to
    be happy, and to even find anotherwoman. I've kept my
    promise about the first 2, but
    not the 3rd. I'm content to go
    out dancing with 3 female
    friends, in their late 60s,
    divorced, who don't want
    another intimate relationship.
    At 73, I feel the same right now.
    But, I won't say never. My
    loneliest days are Mon through
    Wed, when there's no dancing.
    When Linda died, I couldn't
    sleep, bc of my PTSD, and had to
    see a grief counselor. All I did
    was weep in the beginning, and
    was a zombie, but gradually
    had to make decisions without
    Linda, like moving into a new
    apartment. The counselor
    suggested this site, and books
    like The Widower's Notebook,
    a memoir, by Jonathan
    Santlofer, and Permission to
    Mourn, by Tom Zuba. I recommended the 2 books to
    the members of Grief in Common ( GIC). My advice
    would be to talk with a grief
    counselor FIRST, before
    venturing out further in the
    dating scene. Lou
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  4. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your.loss and what you've been going through. Its definitely sad that we all had to meet this way but like Deb said this is definitely our safe place. No judgment! I lost my Gant 3 years ago and still have some rough days. I have 2 small kids and they are my motivation to move but the loneliness is still hard. The things we did and planned to do with our significant others is missed. Having that person that was there no matter what is priceless. If its meant for you to find that type love and person again you will. If the few friends you have are close make and to meet each one once a week or once a month. Whatever works for y'all. Having someone to talk to helps even if its just over coffee. I don't have many friends either and it seems that the ones I do have lives are going on while mines have stopped besides things I do with the kids. The few times I can get together or just talk to one of them does help. If you feel talking to a counselor will help do whats best for you.
    cjpines, RLC, DEB321 and 2 others like this.
  5. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    I started seeing a grief counselor and I'm not sure if it is helping, but I figure it can't hurt. I lost my husband in March 2023 and my mother in February 2022. I am having trouble dealing with any of this. Loneliness is terrible
    Gary166 and Van Gogh like this.
  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Daisy, I'm proud of you for 2
    things: 1st, that you had the
    courage to stay with us on GIC,
    and 2nd, that you're seeing a
    grief counselor. The first one I
    went to, was not empathetic. I
    was lucky to find a kind
    psychiatric nurse practitioner.
    At first, all I did was weep. She
    gradually got me to let out my
    anger, guilt, and loneliness,
    as well as grief over the death of
    my wife, Linda. Lou
    Gary166 likes this.