I'm 100% Broken now.

I just went through a 30-minute nightmare that showed me that if the outcome of that 30 minutes went the wrong way, I would not survive. I truly understood that I would die right then and I would look forward to it. I am now so shaken that I know I can't handle any more. My husband of 38 years passed 52 days ago from Alzheimer's. I have no one except a niece and nephew who live 2 hours away and my beloved dog. We ended up with no friends because, as is typical, people fade out of your life when they are confronted with someone with Alzheimer's. My husband served in the Marine Corps for 23 years and had always requested a military burial. Two days after his passing I had to make the arrangements with the funeral home, but thanks be to God, they made it a seamless process. I decided today to follow-up with the funeral home and then the military to see where we were in the process of my husband's Burial at Sea. He loved the sea more than anything. His ashes were sent to Jacksonville, FL on March 21 and the funeral home gave me the contact phone number to check on the progress. I called the Naval contact officer, and he told me that they did NOT receive my husband's ashes, that they would have received them within 2 days of shipment. I began to sob and could not stop. I called the funeral home again and after a long time on hold, they gave me a tracking number for the ashes. I then called the Naval officer again and he seemed overwhelmed, but he said he would have to go to the room where soldier's ashes were kept to double check. He put me on hold for what seemed like forever. During that time I realized that if they had lost my husband's ashes, I would immediately die. That was my deep wish. The officer came back on the line and told me he had found my husband's ashes and that they had misspelled his name. He assured me that my husband would now be on the list for Burial at Sea. He told me because they are backlogged it would be 12-18 months before this would happen! He said the ship's Chaplain may or may not call me the day of the service, but they would send me the empty shell casings from the gun salute. I am 100% broken. My husband's ashes are going to sit in a room at a Naval hospital for at least a year. I can't bear this image in my mind. I can't bear it. He served 4 tours of combat duty in Vietnam, endured multiple cancers from Agent Orange, and served our country with Honor. And now his ashes are in some room in a Naval hospital. Please pray for his comfort and dignity, please pray for all those men and women whose remains are treated this way. Thank you.

 

I am so sorry to hear your sad story. It was hard enough to go through the loss of your husband, and now this terrible news.
I offer him the honor and dignity he deserves. He gave selflessly and deserves that. It is a terrible thought that his ashes are going to be in a room at a Naval Hospital for at least a year. What a crushing blow. Try your best to replace that image with images of how wonderful he was and the good times you were able to spend together. Try to spend time doing something to help someone else.
Use music to soothe your heartbreak. Take walks and focus on the beauty of nature thanking God for your health and a sound mind.
It will be a difficult time in your life, but you can get through it. I know because I thought I could not go on another day, but God kept me and carried me when I was crushed in spirit, and He will do the same for you if you ask Him. The scriptures tell us that when we are weak, then He is strong. Draw on His strength when you have none of your own.
I care about you. Stay in touch here with people who truly understand the pain you are suffering through.
Sending love,
Chris

 

Thank you, Chris. I am depending on God right now to get me to the next moment. But I am truly broken this time. My life has been one of extreme constant pain, even though when my husband was alive he lifted me from this pain simply by being who he was. I was abused by my mother and violent, alcoholic stepfather from the moment of birth to the degree that I had a mental breakdown at age 12, then at 17 I got cancer, then was not able to have children, then my father committed suicide in the family home, then the torture of wondering if my husband would survive his various cancers, and then the last 6 years as caregiver for my husband. The day he was diagnosed I died. Then I went into complete denial and searched the world for remedies for him (approved by his neurologist). I remained in denial until the moment of his death. But I realized that God was in the room with the two of us. I saw Him, but not with my eyes. In a way, I feel that being made to stay in this life is a punishment, that I have endured enough. For some reason all the memories of my childhood have flooded back in, when I thought I had dealt with it all. My mother told me she tried to abort me twice with coat hangers and her anger at failing that goal was used on me for life. I paid the price for surviving by having to endure her brutality. And the violence of my stepfather. I think 75 years of this is enough. I never once acted out as a child (too afraid), I have never meant to hurt anybody, I have always stuck by my values of being kind to people, of taking them into my heart, and of talking to God every single day of my life since my early childhood. I made a success of several careers. Even though I want to leave this life right now, I feel obligated to be here for the year it will take to see my husband buried at sea. I am tormented with worries that his ashes will be lost or treated disrespectfully. Surely, Chris, you can see that release from this life, for me, would be God's greatest gift. I pray constantly, I plead, I cry. I think of the story of Job, and I try to be strong. Thank you for responding and caring. Blessings.

 

I thought my answer after Shawn's death was release from this life. I thought God would send down the chariot of fire in which Elijah went up to God and take me home. I even asked my husband if he wanted to go with me. But it didn't happen. Then I thought of suicide-we live in the mountains. I thought I could just act like I slipped off the mountain accidentally and no one would know. But I knew God would not allow it because I was not mentally ill like my son was. I also realized after a time that people would understand it was not an accident but purposeful.

One day I want to the dentist. He gave me something to take ahead of time to relax me, and told me to make sure I had someone drive me because the medication would make me sleepy. I drove myself and planned that afterward I would stop in our church parking lot to sleep awhile before going on to work. However, when I came to the area where our church was, they were working on the road and I couldn't get to the church. I decided to just go on to work. I almost made it there, but just before arriving I fell asleep at the wheel. I woke up just in time to see the car heading straight for a tree and had just enough time to jerk the wheel away from the tree. The rear end of my car hit the tree and scraped some bark off.
This was the day I realized God was not going to take me out of the world no matter how miserable I was. I realized I was just going to have learn how to survive my tragedy.
I had a very very slow process of becoming functional again and by the grace of God and the patience of the people I worked with, I am still here 24 years later.
I believe you and I have a work to do helping people who are suffering just as we are. God has left us here for a purpose that only we can do.
I wonder if the delay in seeing your husband buried at sea, could be a way to delay your desire to leave this world. God works in mysterious ways. It will give you another year to come to grips with what has happened in your life. I know you can do that, because I thought I never could, but God kept me safe and carried me when I didn't even want to be here.
I am sending you encouragement that you can do this. I am sending love and comfort.
You will make it. Jesus will carry keep you safe in His love and carry you through this dark night and tremendous trial.
Chris
Chris

 

Chris, I feel you reaching out with love which brings me to back to tears. I think of my birth father's suicide and have always wondered what made him put that gun in his mouth, what could possibly be so painful to cause him to take that step at age 57. He was a brilliant, talented man who helped design one of the great dams in America, and yet he fell to an emotional place that made him take that final step. Because of my lifelong relationship with God I could not do what he did. But I cannot escape this pain for even a moment, especially during prayer. I try to focus on my husband being in Heaven, healthy, happy, loved and the memories of war and sickness erased from his mind. My thought that keeps me breathing is knowing that I am one day closer to my husband, and to God. I am so sorry for your suffering. Your kindness reveals a tender and kind heart, and I pray that your pain is lifted from you. Thank you. Blessings to you.

 

People who follow through with suicide do so because they have lost all hope.
I know of a woman who took her life and a coworker couldn't understand it because she said, "But today is a beautiful sunny day".
Those who have not battled deep depression don't understand that none of the days are sunny and beauthiful for them. Every day is darkness. Could this be what happened to your father-a loss of hope?
Our son could no longer battle the struggle going on in his mind. My chiropractor said, "He knew where to go. You taught him."
I did teach him that God loved him and that he could turn to God for help. Somehow this wasn't sufficient to save him.
I truly understand what you are saying about the pain. It seems unbearable, doesn't it, but as you go on that burden will lighten so you will be able to bear it.
Until then, may God strengthen, comfort, and protect you.
Chris

 

Thank you again, Chris. I recently came across newly released studies that confirm what many have believed for centuries. Those who are talented, creative, gifted, highly intelligent and sensitive are much more prone to suicide. Somehow this world is too much for them to endure. Many of them contribute greatly to societies, and then are overcome with the agony of their deep alienation from this life. They are different. They know it, those around them know it. Perhaps it is this distance between hearts, the inability to bridge the gap between hearts, that is the deciding force for leaving all this behind. You gave your son the greatest gift of all- knowledge of God. He has your love, and the love of God. There are no more gaps between hearts. I appreciate your words so much, Chris. I am so sorry that you are enduring the unbearable. I pray for you, your son. I pray for my husband. I pray that this crushing pain eases just a little bit, so that I can prepare for what lies ahead. Blessings to you, Chris.

 

So well said. It is the absolute truth. I have never heard it said better than what you just described. They feel alienated from everyone else. My son told me he thought everyone else was coping with life a lot better than he was. When he got a diagnosis, he was actually relieved to find out there was something wrong that was making it harder for him to deal with life than others he saw around him.
And I pray for you that you will have the strength to bear up under the heavy load of grief and the great shock that they couldn't find your husband's ashes and then that you will have to wait for the Burial at sea and that you might be notified or you might not. There is no excuse for such lack of respect and honor for a man who gave so much. What a pity that things are taken care of so carelessly and so slowly. I can't imagine the immensity of the pain this is causing you. I am so sorry.

 

Chris, there is a very unorthodox, radical, brilliant, self-avowed narcissist Doctor of Psychology named Sam Vaknin. His podcast on the issue of creative, sensitive, brilliant people is a shock and an enlightenment. I'm sorry I don't have the podcast number (he has hundreds). He is a severe critic of those in his own profession, and summarily dismisses the usefulness of it. He has made a lone, daring analysis of those who commit suicide. He quotes studies that show that sensitive people are excessively prone to feeling the need to escape this life. He says that we need to consider them as enlightened beings who are superior to the common man in that they possess emotional insights, talents, intelligence that simply cannot fit into the rest of the species. In fact, they usually dumb themselves down in order to "pretend" to fit in. After a while, the burden, the pointlessness, the exhaustion and boredom of not finding kindred spirits builds despair that only grows. In my father's case, no one has ever figured out why he chose to leave, and to do so in a violent way, but we all saw despair. We could smell the despair. I think God invests these people- your son, my father- with special gifts, talents, knowledge that the rest of us cannot comprehend, and their challenge is to go through this life as a "Stranger in a Strange Land", so to speak. I believe that these people now sit at the Throne of God in peace, and are given a special love for the unique suffering that they endured in this life. Their gifts are evident to the Lord and He celebrates them. And when we meet them again our own spirits will doubly rejoice at seeing them happy, at One with God. As to my husband, when I seek relief in prayer, I see that God has erased all of David's memories of the atrocities of war, of illness, of witnessing the terrifying sacrifice of his own mind to Alzheimer's. Chris, I admit that I don't understand at all the reason for suffering in this life, but I have to trust that it is God's plan. I pray for you. I pray that Christ comes soon.

 

I agree so much with what you just said. I always knew my son had insight that I did not have and the last year I listened intently to what he had to say. He could see things that my mind was unable to conceive by itself. He said so many things that helped me so much after he was gone. I always said it was so sad that the people closest to him didn't realize they could have learned so much if instead of judging him and trying to make him conform, they would have just listened and learned.
I always said also that he was so sensitive to others judgments of him. It went deep, probably a lot deeper than anything we have experienced.
I had a verse upstairs in his room from scripture from Hebrews 11:37b-38: "of whom the world was not worthy"

"...being destitute, afflicted, tormented; (Of whom the world was not worthy they wandered in deserts, and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth."
This is actually speaking about the great men and women of God who were also judged so harshly and wrongly.
Makes me long to see him again!

 

I don't know how that smiley face got in there!?

"...being destitute, afflicted, tormented; (Of whom the world was not worthy they wandered in deserts, and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth."

 

If you need a reason to understand why you are still here, it is to help people like me.
I have never had anyone say they understood the uniqueness of a brilliant person.
Thank you. You have affirmed everything I thought was true about my son.
I have copied your last 2 posts and am saving them.
You are appreciated.

 

Chris, it is my honor to know YOU. You are gifted, I am sure as much as your son, and that is where the pain emerges bright red and bleeding. I believe you know this, and have found your own way to fit into this species called "human". Certain of us detect these things in each other, so we truly hear each other. I can't imagine your terror and despair at trying to connect to your son's alienation from this world. I feel it in my heart. For you to maintain your faith in God is a testament to your goodness. Your son knows this, and I believe it serves to inspire him. For reasons I don't understand I found myself screaming, begging God to help me this evening. I heard myself wailing and it frightened me. I begged to see David. I stopped because I was scaring my little dog, who is my tether to this life. He is my joy. Your Hebrews verse is so perfect for all this about your son and my father. We are going to understand one day, Chris. My heart goes out to you.

 

I am so sorry things are so bad for you tonight.
I have another verse from 2Timothy 1:7 that you can repeat when things get this bad: "God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
and from Psalm 56: "What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. In God I will praise His Word, in God I have put my trust"
My heart goes out to you. No one can know the depth and heaviness of the pain except another who has gone through it.

 

Chris, thank you again. I am copying these verses because they so clearly address what we are going through. I decided today, after last night's breakdown, that I would pursue action regarding my husband's ashes. I have got the ball rolling with my Congressman and my State Senator, whose staffs have exhibited genuine concern, much to my surprise. I can't sit still, because I am disintegrating from outrage over this issue. David knows I have always gone to bat for him, and I will do it now. I pray you are feeling strong. Remember, each day brings us closer to our beloved.

 

I am glad to hear that you are taking action. You can't just sit still and let this destroy you.
Let me know your progress.
He is the All Wise God. Ask for His guidance in this.
Sending you compassion, strength, love and hugs.

 

Oh, my dear. I've been so deeply touched by your recent nightmare of events that I didn't even know how to respond, and still unsure...
The treatment you were given is inexcusable. I'm happy about the actions your taking and wish you the best.
Thought I was doing ok this morning, more like my 'new' routine, when I got smacked by a body wide panic attack that lasted far too long. Surprise! Changed my plans for the rest of the day.
I wanted to get back to send you love. Keep up the good work, it will be worth it, no doubt.

 

Thank you, Chris. My heart goes out to you. We have God. He has given us suffering, and therefore the reason to seek His help in ways we didn't know existed. I will keep you posted about my husband. Blessings to you and much love.

 

Michael, how painful and scary!! I can't imagine enduring such a thing. I hope you are fully recovered and resting. Please take care of yourself. As for me, I feel like my heart is a pile of ashes and I am talking to God all day and all night. My little dog is picking up my despair and I can't bear to see him suffer. I try to cheer him up- extra play, extra treats- but he is so attuned to me that I can't hide my misery from him. But this is God forcing me to stay tethered to the world. I have learned from a distant relative who works for the VA that morality, decency and any sense of obligation to our veterans has collapsed in that organization. The stories are heartbreaking and horrendous and leave you in a state of rage. Darkness has fallen over the world, in my humble opinion. But I reach to God. Always. Blessings and much love to you, Michael.

 

Today is a better day, yay! Or perhaps I'm manic. Some days the line is blurred. I truly believe that God places in our lives the people, and animas/pets, that he knows will provide learning opportunities and the occasional safety in a storm. Our furry beloved ones help us process and let go of our self-judgment - just read their eyes, right - there's no judgment there. I think animals are gifted at 'filtering' our 'attic of shame'. When we're in their presence, we're in the moment, appreciating their divine nature and purpose. Perhaps a glimpse of our own.
Let's all be grateful for unconditional animal love. Very special.

Blessings to all. Semper Fi.
~Michael