if I cry, I may not stop....

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Joeys#1, Apr 25, 2023.

  1. Joeys#1

    Joeys#1 New Member

    My husband died 4/2/2022 from a heart attack while I was sitting there talking to him, we were at the dr's office for a follow up (he had stints placed 2weeks prior)and as far as I know my husband had no heart problems or anything else! So, this has been the absolute worst year of my entire life! I miss him sooo much BUT, I try to be strong and do all the things I'm supposed to so he'll be proud of me. I have cried some but I know that I haven't cried like I want or need to.
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  2. JackieH1029

    JackieH1029 Active Member

    So sorry for your loss, Joey. Death is cruel. It comes out of nowhere in many cases. Happened in my case. My wife went in for an outpatient surgery and 45 days later she transitioned. We were not expecting anything like what we went through.

    You should be PROUD of yourself. You went through a very traumatic situation and as you've said: "do all the things I'm supposed to do' That's a big win. Be kind to yourself. It's one of the toughest things we go through as humans. Grieving for our spouses. And re: crying. No shame in it. When you feel sad, and feel like crying - just let it out. It's healthy for the body and for the soul. No need to repress it.

    Maybe take a trip to a place you + husband liked and delve into all the memories and cry it all out.
  3. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    That is so horrible that your husband died
    suddenly right in front of you, and you were helpless to do anything to "save" him.
    The same thing happened to me when my
    wife, Linda, collapsed, and soon died , in
    front of me, from a pulmonary embolism.
    She was 68,and we had been married 25
    yrs , no children. That was over 4 yrs ago.
    The shock of her death led to my inability
    to sleep, PTSD, and the need to see a grief
    counselor. She suggested this site, but I
    didn't join 'til the end of July, 2021, and I'm
    so glad I did. You did the right thing by
    signing on to Grief in Common ( GIC). I
    noticed by your info that you enjoy
    dancing. Are you still able to do that?
    Recently, a female friend got me to dance
    with her , her friends, and a widower
    friend, and it's been wonderful. Of
    course, like my friends , DEB and Robin,
    on GIC, point out, it is bittersweet
    without our soulmates by our side
    physically. May I ask your name and
    your husband's? Welcome. My name is
    Lou. Hope you stay with us on GIC.
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  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry for the sudden loss of your husband. I lost my husband suddenly also and to a heart attack. He had no previous health issues. Nothing. While watching tv he felt stomach sick and went into the bathroom. After some time passed I asked if he was ok. He said no. I went to be with him and he was throwing up and having diarrhea and seriously sweating. After a little while I asked where he was hurting. He put his hand on his chest! I panicked and said Ron your chest hurts. He shook his head yes. I called 911 they came pretty fast and got him to the hospital. They couldn’t save him. From not feeling well and losing my wonderful husband of 41 years was 2 hours. That’s all the warning I had. This happened over 4?years ago. He was very healthy, so we thought. On that day he did yard work and helped my daughter with things in her new home and we picked up everything for our Thanksgiving which was only days away. No idea he had any heart issues. Your loss is very similar. Like Jackie mentioned you should let the crying happen. It’s very cathartic. Try to get fresh air every day, it helps more then you realize. It gets your blood flowing. Be kind to yourself you deserve it. I hope you have family and friends offering support. Take them up on anything they offer. Do what you can, don’t push too hard. You loss is so very resent. Visit this site often and read and share thoughts. I does help. Sending you hugs and wishing you peace. Robin
  5. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Hi, my heart goes out to you for the sudden loss of your beloved soulmate. I know exactly what you're going through, I lost my husband the same way, on a Sunday November afternoon, two years and five months ago. He was only 57 years old, never had any heart problems, no other medical issues. He was just a smoker, but how many smokers live till they're 100?
    It is important to cry, scream and let it all out, I know what you mean about not being able to cry like you want and need to. It's the shock that blocks these natural releases, the numbness just seems to annihilate our emotions. That's why we MUST talk about how we're feeling, so we can cry, even listening to the songs you listened together is useful to trigger a good cry every now and then,or visiting your favourite places. This site has helped me a lot, I'm so grateful to all my new and only friends, you will find empathy and support from wonderful friendly people here who are unfortunately going through the same grief of losing a life partner.
    Sending you strength.
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  6. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Robin, I had to hold back the tears reading your post. That scene you described is practically a duplicate of what happened to us. I sometimes get angry at my C, asking him:"Why didn't you say it was your chest that was hurting?" He kept saying it was a very bad stomach ache, or a bad indigestion, especially because he kept rushing to the bathroom to be sick. Then we heard the water running, we obviously thought he was just having a wash, then we noticed that time was passing and the water was still running so I opened the door but I couldn't open it completely, I could just about see what had happened to my C, a scene that I'd never witnessed before, not even in my worst nightmare. He had collapsed, I screamed out for my son to come and help me, I couldn't move him on my own, he was blocking the door, I couldn't get in and I didn't have the physical strength to force the door open. My daughter tried CPR while the ambulance came, they spent about forty minutes trying to revive him, but it wasn't to be. Our lives had been turned upside down in less than two hours.
    Sending you a hug.
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  7. JackieH1029

    JackieH1029 Active Member

    yeah one has to make time to cry and let it all out. It feels good and help one process grief and the fears
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  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Rose I knew our losses were very similar and both very sudden with zero warning. I also cried reading your post and your story. Ron thought it was his stomach and thought he had too much of the chicken soup I made for dinner. When he started doing that deep hard yell of horrible pain and I saw him crushing the hamper in the bathroom. I knew this is more then a stomach virus. I think that’s when Ron realized the pain is in his chest. I told him he needs aspirin and I had thrown ours out, I planned to replace with new but I hadn’t yet. Such guilt. He begged me to find some. The EMT gave him aspirin immediately and it did help with the pain for a short while. Ron was talking and answering their questions and even walked out of the bathroom on his own. I knew things were bad but felt he would be ok. I was very wrong. I’m so lucky while waiting for them to roll him into the ambulance he yelled I love you Robin. Those are the last words I heard Ron say. I’m very fortunate for that moment. He said it many times for all to hear. That’s something he always said he wanted to do. Yell from our roof top how much he loved me. He wanted everyone to know. On the way to the hospital I learned he didn’t know his name. Your story of finding your C collapsed on floor is so heartbreaking. I can’t even imagine. The doctors told me the sudden stomach pain is what many feel, it’s very common. I didn’t know that. The only solace I have is that there was a good effort to save Ron. Although I feel the EMTs did not treat Ron right or as fast as they should have. I got help to Ron as fast as I could. And I let him know I was following the ambulance to the hospital with my daughter. He fully understood and acknowledged me. And there was a good effort to save your C as well.
    Sending you hugs as well. Robin
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  9. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Robin, I got goose bumps reading your post, especially describing how your Ron shouted out that he loved you the last time you saw him. It's really so tough accepting this reality, I don't know about you but in my head my C is just absent at the moment, it feels like he's away for a while and I'm waiting for him to come back. I repeat to myself throughout the day:Oh, I must tell you about this when you get back, and things like that,(I sound crazy, I know), then suddenly it hits me that I can't tell him anything.

    Yesterday, for me, was one of those "happy mixed with sad" days, like you so perfectly call them. My daughter graduated with her university degree in Law, and received top marks too. I felt like screaming when the chairman of the committee announced this, why couldn't her dad be here to see this?
    I had my son sitting next to me on my right and on my left, there was an empty seat. I wonder why? I imagined my C sitting there beside me and how he would be reacting, how he would be glancing at her daughter often during the ceremony, giving her those special reassuring smiles that I have constantly in my mind. That smile is also in the photo in the gold pendant I gave to our daughter as a gift. Of course we hugged and cried when I gave it to her that morning. She has dedicated her thesis to her devoted dad, but yesterday, after the ceremony, outside in the yard with the champagne I'd brought along, among all her friends, she didn't let me read it in front of them, she didn't want to see me breaking down. She and her friends all told me to read it at home to myself, privately, and I understood. I haven't yet, I will later. Luckily, I managed to hold back the tears during the ceremony, I only got teary-eyed at the beginning, but thankfully my mind usually manages to block my emotions when I'm in public places.

    Robin, I didn't know either that those nauseous symptoms and stomach pains were a sign of an imminent heart attack. If I'd known, maybe I would have suggested rushing to hospital earlier on, but I'm sure my C wouldn't have agreed, he was never one to go into a panic quickly. Then for a few weeks after he left us, I read a lot about heart failure in his medical enciclopedias, and it was all there, in black and white : heart attacks are often confused with indigestion/nausea/vomiting symptoms. Even if the paramedics told me it wouldn't have made any difference if they'd been called earlier, I just can't get the guilt out of my mind, with the what ifs, should haves.

    Anyway, I better stop now, I don't want to keep stirring up sad memories and saddening all of you.

    Sending all my friends a hug and wishing everyone a peaceful day.

    P. S. Thank you for the lovely pictures, Robin, you brightened up our day, especially over here, where Spring is still struggling to start, that cold North wind just won't leave us alone, even though little rays of sunshine amongst the clouds are peeking out every now and then.
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  10. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Rose I want congratulate both your daughter and you on her accomplishment of graduating with her degree in law and top marks no less. I know you are very proud of her and wish C was there beside you beaming with pride. I know he was there just not how you’d love him to be. That empty seat gave me goose bumps. I hope you’ve had a chance to read her thesis in the privacy of your home. I know it had to be very emotional for you and I’m sure you’re glad you held off reading it in front of so many people. And you could enjoy plus all the other emotions without holding back. I agree this is most definitely one of those. Happy mixed with sad, moments. You and C should be and are so proud of the daughter you raised together.

    I know the feelings you speak of. Wanting to share something that happened or expecting him to come home any minute. I think that’s where I’m struggling right now. He’s been gone too long and it’s time for him to come home. The reality that I’ve known a long time is setting in even more. Ron’s not coming home, but he’s in my heart to stay. I cherish the memories and the time we had and speak of him and to him every day. He’s with me. And I can picture Ron and hear him clear as if he’s here right now yelling “I love you Robin” for that I am very lucky. We told each other so many times every day that we loved each other. So for him to do that wasn’t out of character. I do wish I answered him though.

    Rose, Ron complained of his arm hurting earlier in the day. And came in the house, he took Advil and sat down. I asked him did he feel it was serious should we get him checked. He said he was working on winterizing the new tree I gave him and felt he pulled something. Said he was fine. And he acted fine. We did a lot that day after his arm hurt. The pain left. I could have pushed more but he wouldn’t go I know that. We need to tell ourselves we did what we could. We tried our best and loved them with all our heart and continue to love them. We shouldn’t have guilt. But it’s hard.

    I’m glad you enjoyed my daffodils and bleeding heart pictures. I’m enjoying them and so many more. They make me smile. I’ve mowed my lawn once and it felt good. I’m weeding the memorial garden when it’s warm enough. Very cold today and damp. I hope your spring arrives soon and you can enjoy the rebirth of nature.
    More hugs for you. I think you could them right about now. Robin
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  11. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for your congrats, Robin. I really could do with those hugs, and yes, me and C are very proud of our daughter's achievement, I have read the dedication page now where she dedicates her thesis/book to both her parents, and in particular for her dad she says : "this is a goal that was meant to be reached with my dad by my side, together with me" . I was alone in the house at the time, of course I let out a scream and cried, I was expecting that, but luckily it's still pretty cold here, so the windows were all closed, I don't think anyone heard me, the other houses here are not connected to each other directly, that's what's great about living in the country. I can have a "noisy" sob whenever I want to.

    Another similarity Robin, days earlier my C had been complaining of "muscle pain" in his wrist just like your Ron with his arm, as if it was due to some heavy work he'd done. Another time I also remember the lower part of one his legs was aching and I massaged it for him, but who would think in a million years that these could have been warning symptoms? Were they? Or were they not? Who would think of calling emergency for an aching limb? We all have these aches every now and then. I also read about this, and I don't wish to scare anyone, but it is possible, unfortunately.

    May I say Well Done to you Robin, for mowing the lawn on your own, your Ron is proud of your accomplishment, I'm sure.
    Take care of yourself, hoping you don't get too stressed out for your sister's situation and that everything works out for the best.
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  12. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Rose, as painful as it was for you and
    Robin to rehash possible early warning
    signs prior to the deaths of your husbands,
    you are doing a great service to others. My
    encounter with the widowed persons
    support group recently, was so intense
    that I wanted to quit. I stayed on when
    I saw the tortured face of a younger
    widower, whose wife had just died, after
    25 years of marriage, like yours & mine.
    He was crying, and he was embarrassed,
    & said, " men aren't supposed to cry". I
    crossed the room, put my hand on his
    shoulder, said they should, and cried a
    little with him. I believe we were put on
    this earth to help others. Lou
  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Rose I knew our losses were very similar but I’m realizing now just how similar. I did kind of take Rons ache in his arm seriously. Mainly because it was his left arm and it was unlike Ron to come inside with a pain. I told him I was worried it was more as he rubbed his left arm. But he blew it off and said he was fine. But you’re right we can’t run to the hospital with every little ache. Or even stomach ache. For a long time after and I guess still now. If anyone has abrupt stomach issues I get panicky. I’m some better now on that but I do think of it. These things happen to all of us and it’s nothing. I don’t know if these things were signs of trouble but my heart tells me his left arm was a sign. I keep telling myself I did what I could. Ron would never have gone to get that checked I’m guessing your C wouldn’t either.

    I glad you got to read your daughters thesis and dedication alone in the privacy of your home. I know it wasn’t easy. Definitely another sad mixed with happy moment.

    Thank you on my lawn. I believe Ron would be proud even though he wouldn’t let me do the lawn. We need to do things. Gives us a purpose and feels good in the end to see all we’ve done. I do it each week now and my daughter helps me with trimming around trees. My new hedge trimmer was delivered today. I’ll be working on bushes as soon as the rain stops. Ron would be proud about that too. The one I was using I had bought as a surprise for Ron. But it stopped working late last fall. He loved it, it had a long pole to reach across our hedge. Anyway. Staying busy and active is what helps the most and knowing Ron would be proud is what keeps me going. I know that’s the same for you Rose. My sister, she’s something. She likes to cause trouble. I’m doing my best to keep her out of my mind. My brothers do their best to protect me from her. I’m grateful for that. The stress she gives makes my joints hurt and it takes a long time to feel better. This weather doesn’t help either. I need it to be cold or to be warm and stay that way. Not happening yet. I hope warmer days are coming for all of us. We all need it. Take care Rose, Robin
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  14. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I always HATE!!! saying this because words seem so inadequate at times, now being one of them, but I hope you know how truly sorry I am to hear that your husband passed away. Just two words seem to sum it up. It SUCKS!!! My husband, Bob, also died in April, but he died on the 11th of the month, a little over two years ago. Unlike your husband, Rose's and Robin's husbands, C and Ron, Bob was sick for many years prior to his death, but it wasn't until the beginning of 2018 that I had to become his full time caregiver. It was the very hardest, most challenging job, I've ever had, but, and this is one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I would do it all over again, if I could...

    I'm so glad my friends, Lou, Robin, and Rose got here before I did and welcomed you to our GIC "family." They've already given you some excellent advice. Please be very gentle with yourself. You recently experienced the very worst kind of heartbreak imaginable. Take the very best care of yourself as you possibly can. Try to eat healthy foods, get enough sleep, and spend some time outside, take long walks if you're physically able to, but even if you're not able to walk, just sitting outside, getting some fresh air, feeling the sun on your face, listening to all the sounds in nature, is one of the very best things I can think of to help yourself survive the darkest, most challenging days in your life.

    I know that all of these suggestions are much easier said than done!!!, TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatement To The Absolute Max!!!). I found that especially in the beginning of this miserable journey, for lack of a better word, there were many days when getting out of bed was difficult. I had no energy or desire to cook for one. Zapping a frozen, organic meal, and opening a bagged salad, seemed like too much work at times. The bags under my eyes from lack of sleep were HUGE!!!, TUTTUM!!! A member, who hasn't been around in a long time, compared the bags under her eyes to those of "Uncle Fester," from the Addams Family. So many of us could relate to this. It was a much needed lol moment. Smiles and lol moments are things I will NEVER!!! take for granted again!!! TUTTAM!!!

    On the days when just getting out of bed seems like too much, if you don't have to be anywhere, give yourself permission to pull the covers over your head, and cry. Cry until you can't cry anymore. Let all the pain wash over you. I think it was Rose who said to you that crying, letting it all out, is so very necessary in order to move forward. (I no longer believe in healing. I believe we just get used to living without the one true love of our lives (physically) with us.)

    Lou recommended two excellent books to our GIC "family, "The Widower's Notebook," by Jonathan Santlofer, and "Permission To Mourn," by Tom Zuba. My favorite, is "Permission To Mourn." Tom Zuba's 18 month old daughter died, his wife died, and one of his sons died, but at different times. He writes from his heart, telling us the things that helped him to heal, (I prefer to say move forward instead), and eventually find happiness again. The book is very short and easy to read, perfect for those of us who suffer from widow/widower's foggy brain syndrome. For a long time, I kept a copy on my nightstand, and would reread parts of it often. In his book, he talks about why it's so important to allow ourselves to cry, to fully mourn and grieve the death of our loved one. It is only by letting ourselves feel all the pain,by telling our stories over and over again, to everyone who will listen, until the day comes when we can't repeat our stories another time, that grief will begin to lose some of it's power over us.

    I don't want to flood you with too much, too soon, and want to end this on a much more positive note. If you do all the hard work grieving forces us to do, eventually, although the timeline is different for every one of us, you will be able to move forward. Life will become, as best described by Robin, a combination of happy mixed with sad. After a little over two years, I can finally say my life has become so very bittersweet, but, and this is the last really BIG!!! BUT!!! for now, I'll take bittersweet, any day over the alternative!!!, TUTTAM!!! (As with SUCKS!!!, I also seem to be stuck on TUTTAM!!!)

    I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. I hope you'll stick around, give us the chance to get to know you, and you the chance to get to know us. I hope that this will become your safe place, as it's become for me, whenever you need a virtual shoulder to lean on, want to "talk," or just want to "listen," to our stories. Sometimes we might offer you advice, as we've already done, but this is a judgement free zone, we'll be here for you, no matter what you do. I don't think I would have been able to not only survive, but morph into the person who I've become, if it wasn't for the help, support, advice, and love, from TGW (The Grief Warriors, is the creative name Lou came up with for our group. It fits us perfectly!!!), our GIC "family."

    Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  15. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Wow, La Grande DEB, just when I thought
    your "books" of posts couldn't get any
    better, I was wrong. This post to Joey was
    the best ever. Thanks again for giving Robin & me credit. Robin, for her happy,
    mixed with sad, and me, for The Grief
    Warriors idea. Thank you also for passing
    on my book recommendations. You are a
    true leader of TGW. Godfather Lou
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  16. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Thank you Deb for your beautiful "book" as Lou sweetly calls your posts, you would make a very good counseller. Who needs one when we have you? :) Thank you for mentioning me too, but you know what? I don't remember if I said that! My foggy brain has been a bit foggier lately:(.
    Hugs to you, looking forward to the next chapter❤️.
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  17. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Rose, just came home from a joyous night
    of dancing. I'm a lucky man to have several
    "girlfriend" dance partners , close to my
    age, divorced, and don't want another
    relationship. It amazes me that I didn't know any of these women a year ago, or
    would even dream of dancing. I feel that I'm blessed to have "girlfriends" on GIC,
    like you, DEB, Ms. Hum, Summer, and
    more. All of us share a great sense of
    humor, and can laugh now, when we
    couldn't before. DEB's kind "books"are
    an inspiration , but also funny, with her
    unique abbreviations, like TUTTAM! Lou T.
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  18. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear you had a great dance night Lou, I'm happy to have you all too, I don't know what I would have done without you all.
    We are writing at the same time, our posts are "overlapping" , in fact I've just received this "new message alert", while writing to you in the other topic "MY last five and a half years".
    Sweet dreams.
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  19. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thanks , Rose. As I've mentioned, I go to
    the local American Legion post for coffee
    every Sat am, even though I'm the only
    non veteran. They accept me, bc I respect
    and admire them as heroes, some with
    Purple Hearts, who saw their buddies die
    in the jungles of Vietnam. Within this group, are a small group of widowers, and
    we support each other. They know I had
    PTSD, after seeing my wife collapse, then
    soon die, in front of me. I almost didn't
    make it to the Legion this am, bc of my
    late night dancing. The Vietnam veterans
    get a kick out of my adventures, and
    don't believe me when I say that my
    dancing partners are not my girlfriends.
    It was better to get the jokes at my expense
    today, then to not show up, and be made
    fun of next time. Lou
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  20. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Robin and Rose reading your posts really brought tears to.my eyes. Im sure Ron and C are proud of the both of you. I know how much you love being outside Robin and I'm glad your weather is clearing up so that you can. Im sure you're grateful for all you learned from Ron. Rose it was nice of your daughter to dedicate her thesis to her dad and im sure it was touching. The empty seat was really a sign that C was there with yall. Hope you both had a nice Sunday.
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