I want to call my mom today but can’t

Dear Page,

I want to call my mom today, but can’t. She is absent - not present - dead. She died in December after a 7 year battle of Pulmonary Fibrosis. Her church loves her, her people love her, everyone who knows her loves her. But I was criticized, condescended to and ultimately rejected by her. My therapist of many years has diagnosed her a narcissist. Despite her unkind and aloof to me behaviors, I still craved (and am craving) connection with her. I use to call her frequently, in hopes of a crumb of approval. I never received it. Now she is dead. - I was with her when she died. I provided tender caregiving in her last days. I gave her the honor that I felt was the best to give her at the time, knowing that our window of opportunity to make a positive connection had all but closed. ——- Yes, in this instance, her death is about me. - I grieve what I did not receive from her, and I grieve that the opportunity is over. —— I hope that soon, the desire to reach out and call, in hopes of a morsel of approval, will subside, and that my addiction to few and far between “teases” of acceptance go away. ———————— I so badly want to be at peace with the finality and loss of what “could have been but never was”… —— Is that possible? - Thank you for listening.

 

It sounds alot like You tried Your best to have a relationship with her and I'm so sorry that You feel like it still wasn't it for You. I have a similar story with my older brother. I lost my mom at the end of october and haven't talked to my brother since cause I feel he kept hurting my mom and me. I think You have to forgive her for a couple of things and maybe it sounds weird but I really believe it can help You. First that she wasn't a mom You needed and maybe didn't know how to be and the second thing is that she died and left and hurt You. It may all sound so weird but it helps. And it is totally okay for You to grieve the times You wish You had and the relationship too. It is not just the death we grieve. It is the same for me. Every day I miss calling her and I hate that she won't be here to cook with me or...
Sorry for the looong messy answer, hope You'll find peace