I need to know he's ok

Discussion in 'Life After Caregiving' started by Kimberly485, Dec 16, 2020.

  1. Kimberly485

    Kimberly485 New Member

    My husband passed away November 19,2020 after fighting cancer for a year. He was always such a positive upbeat person and he was like that through his illness too. He told everyone he was going to beat it and live for many more years. He did not want to die! I couldn't be with him for treatments at the end because of covid and one day when I picked him up he was crying. He said he knew the end was near because he could feel it in his soul. I cried so hard I had to pull over. On November 2 I brought him hope from the hospital with hospice. He was pretty out of it most of the time. I cannot get that day out of my head. The whole time we were together I saw him cry maybe 3 times, and thinking of that day BREAKS my heart over and over again. He didn't want to die, and because of that I feel like I have to know he's ok. I wonder if I took good enough care of him, if I could have done anything differently. Has anyone experienced this type of guilt and or worry?
    LinF likes this.
  2. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member


    The simple answer is absolutely. We go over all this all the time. Maybe some better technique here or there but as cancer does it progresses and consumes all the nutrients that the healthy cells need. I had to learn how to deliver liquid morphine. To deliver nausea medication in advance of needing either. A timing issue for the pain. The exact same. Kay wished to live and fought so hard with a ton of pain to squeeze out each moment. I know with certainty the moment she slumped and was done.

    That is not to say people don't recover. I met a woman in the park. She had lung cancer. Surgery to remove that tissue but healthy tissue was removed. She ended up with radiation and caretakes her severely stoke ridden husband. Several I know have gained years from the current treatments. It always came down to type, when diagnosed or progression, and how much health or vitality a cancer patient has.

    The easy answer is yes. He in this life he is OK just based on not being in pain. That is not what your asking. I did continue to caretake even after her passing. Services and rituals. Mainly a table with fresh flowers some candles, and talking with her. Several both here and others feel a connection with their person. Of course, religion takes on this question.

    I think as you wrote. He is a very upbeat person even in the illness. The same with Kay. I would love to have met your husband. People who are kind and love life. A hard combination to beat. Hard also to not miss.

    Sorry, Kimberly. People are so unique and our partners definitely were.

    Be well.

    Paul M.
  3. FrankT805

    FrankT805 New Member

    Kimberly, I experienced the same sense of loss when I lost my wife after 52 years together, on Dec 24, 2019. You did not mention your faith, so I can only say that I believe your husband is definitely OK. He is still watching out for you, and you will feel him telling you go "Go ahead and do something you can enjoy - you deserve it." Like your husband, my Sharyn was upbeat right up until the end - she wanted to go to therapy the last day we had together, so she could walk. I'm writing a brief history of our marriage to pass on to my children - it has helped immensely to recall the picnics, square dances, trips and different houses we lived in. I have shared your feelings of inadequacy - the ice cream I didn't get for her the last day, and the helplessness as I saw her fade away. The best advice I've received - "You did the best you could, no one could ask for more."

    Rest assured your husband is OK, and yes, you did everything you could have done.
  4. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Kimberly, I'm a little in shock. Your story is identical to mine. My husband died Nov 4th. So I don't have to repeat my story since it's your story too. Yes, I want to know if my husband, Jack, is okay too. I think he's okay, I'm the one not okay. I also can't get the last out of my head. I repeat it in my mind over and over. Jack was so brave throughout his illness and thought the doctors will cure him. Yes, I experience guilt and worry. Since I'm in your shoes I don't have any answers or support for you. I think our husbands are in a better place than in pain on Earth don't you?
  5. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    cjpines and Kimberly,

    I am always amazed at how similar our experiences have been. The overthinking and questions. Going over the events and what could have been different. The realization that Kay's pain was over was the first comforting thought. I know we did everything possible. I would even say more was done in those final months., Common with cancer are blood clots and she was hospitalized for it. Targeted chemo was tried that at best could perhaps extend life for eleven months. For that first year going over every detail of the illness but also the whole forty years of our marriage.

    I have two friends that have recounted stories of being in contact with a departed father. I did as well. Some her mention signs or knowing in some form that supports this point of view. All I think are personal accounts for the affirmative. Yes, they are in a better place.
    KateIsNotOkay and cjpines like this.
  6. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    I believe that we will see our loved ones again. I believe Love will over-ride fear and death. I believe the afterlife exists, and, at the end of it all, Love will carry us on.
    Patti 61 and cjpines like this.
  7. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    A friend's nephew recently died from a gun shot wound. I was given a t shirt with his picture on it from the service no one could attend due to COVID. Since I was not going to wear it I decided to make it into a pillow for his mother. While I was sewing this pillow I was overcome with feeling that this boy was trying to convey something to me. I felt like he wanted very badly to apologize to his mother for breaking her heart. He didn't want to be remembered for using bad judgement once in his life. And, he desperately wanted her forgiveness. When I say I was overcome with emotions. I found myself crying as the feeling were intense. I finally spoke to his mother and she as most grateful for my message. She believed he was a good boy and said she had already figiiven him. This experience left me in wonder.
  8. Cdavis

    Cdavis Member

    Yes, at first I wondered if I kept him here too long. Bob was on dialysis for a little less than a year. He went 3 times a week and it just drained him of any type of energy. We talked about it and it was his will to live. Towards the end about 1 week before he passed he told me that he didn’t think that he could hang on much longer. As I looked back at his pictures I can now see how tired he was and that he would do anything for me. So I wondered was I being selfish keeping him here but then I realized it was his wish too. As far as is he ok? The answer is yes. He is waiting for me in heaven. If you have not read the book imagine heaven you should get it. It’s amazing and it really did help me.
    KateIsNotOkay likes this.
  9. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Thank you, I just ordered the book Imagine Heaven. I need to know too if my hubby is okay and maybe where he is? I often ask him, where are you?

    I lost him to cancer Nov 4th 2020.
    KateIsNotOkay likes this.
  10. mrsstangle

    mrsstangle New Member

    I often ask my husband where he is, too. I have a lot of guilt about his last days. I should have taken him to the ER sooner, not been so short with him. It was hard being the sole caregiver. I miss him so much, it's a pain unlike any other.
    KateIsNotOkay and LinF like this.
  11. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Guilt comes with it, we did the best we knew at the time. Caregiver is the hardest job in the world. Your husband is at peace he would want you to be at peace.
    I think my husband knew how hard it was for me to care for him, I could see it in his face. He was so helpless. I still have some quilt, but I do know I did the best my body, mind could take. I pushed myself to no end and now I'm paying the price of not caring for myself all those months. My family keeps telling me to take care of myself. My hubby is not suffering, it's time to put guilt aside and carry on for the sake of my family. It's been 5 months since he passed and yes, pain unlike any other.

    I believe we are forgiven, now forgive ourselves (the hard part).

    I'm so sorry you lost him at such a young age. You have a lot of life to live, he's in our Creator's Paradise.
    LinF likes this.
  12. mrsstangle

    mrsstangle New Member

    I would like an opinion on something. I went on a senior dating site just to meet some people and hang out. I know it's so soon after my loss, but I'm so, so lonely. I don't intend anything serious, I'm just so lost without my husband. I got his ashes today.
  13. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    That's good you reached out for company. Do you think a widow/widower group would benefit you?
  14. mrsstangle

    mrsstangle New Member

    I had a virtual therapist session that was comforting. The couple of men I met on the dating site, when they found out I'm only 1 month widowed decided not to pursue a relationship/contact. Although this is disappointing because I'm so lonely, I can appreciate them not taking advantage of my vulnerability.
  15. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Maybe the dating site is too soon for you and a widowed club would give you support without the pressure of dates. At least you would have friends that understand grief in common.
    Patti 67 likes this.