I miss you Mom

Discussion in 'Dealing With Multiple Losses' started by SadWithoutMom, Jul 12, 2021.

  1. SadWithoutMom

    SadWithoutMom New Member

    Mom, you were the best thing that ever happened to me and the most beautiful person I have ever known in my life. I was an infant-an orphan in fact, when you walked into my room and said "There he is, bring him to me-that's my son!" You made my life so wonderful. You brought me up to love Jesus and you used to read to me as a boy until your voice gave out and it was time for bed. You took me to the library and taught me to love books-a love I have years later. I knew I would lose you and Dad earlier than most because you adopted me so late in your life. I dreaded the moment of your passing ever since I was a young boy up until when you breathed your last breath as I held your hand in hospice. I am truly sorry for the hurtful things I said and thought in your last years. I resented having to give up my life for you and I was wrong. I grew to resent the late night calls that you were going to the emergency room yet again and having to get out of bed and drive down to the hospital. I resented having to take so much time off from work for all the doctor's appointments and visits to therapy. I longed to be free. I wanted out of this small town and yearned to live my life. The irony is that now that you are gone none of that has mattered. I don't want to go anywhere except to your apartment and see you once more. I would give anything to drive down to your retirement home and hug and kiss you one more time. I would give anything to sit and hear your voice. You didn't burden my life Mom-you gave me a reason to be in it. I know now that I did the best thing I could with my time. I knew when I took you out to the movies and dinner how your face lit up when I opened your door. You would struggle to your feet and take hold of your walker and you were so happy to tell everyone that your son was taking you to the movies. You were so happy, sitting up in the front eating popcorn and watching the movie of the week. I remember you at my college graduation. I remember waving to you and seeing you so happy. You did all that Mom. You made it possible. You bought me a chemistry set as a boy for Christmas. You sat at the kitchen table and patiently did all the experiments with me. Chemistry was my first bachelor degree and you went with me to my first job as a chemist. You bought me a computer another year for Christmas and I spent years programming stupid video games to amuse myself with it. You gave me an allowance so I had money to buy books on how to program so I could teach myself. Management information systems was my second bachelors and I spent my career doing for others what I had done for fun as a boy. You were there when I came home from West Point plebe summer and helped me get back on my feet and go back to college. You still loved me and I still was your son. You didn't throw me away. Once I got lost in the mall as a small boy and I can still remember running to you when a lady who worked at one of the stores helped me find you. I feel lost now that you are no longer here. I got over Dad's death in about a year. But I still had you. I still had you in my life. You were such a big part of my life. Thank you for the birthday cakes you made me. Thank you for the cards. I have every single one of them. I took the angel you gave me, the angel your friend made and placed your remains in a weeping angel urn I bought shortly after you passed. I didn't think you wanted to be out in the graveyard. You always liked being in my home so I have kept you here. I commissioned a local artist to paint a portrait of you that hangs over your urn. Unlike Dad, I have not healed. I hurt as much as I did the day your died. I now have to live on earth without you until Jesus takes me home. I miss you every day Mom. I never looked for my birth mother. It never even occurred to me to do so. You were the only Mom I knew and needed. Thank you for your love. I hate to think who I would be without you. Your brother died just two months after you. Losing my uncle was my last family on this earth. It was weird spending the holidays alone Mom. I don't like my birthday or Mother's Day anymore. I try to think of you in heaven with your mother and brothers and sister. I try to think of you there with your father and with Dad. I didn't know losing you would be this hard. A part of me thinks you are on a trip. When you went to New Orleans or New York you were gone, but I knew your would be back and we would have so much to talk about. I have felt kind of like that. But as time goes on, the reality sinks in that you are not coming back this time. I am grateful you missed COVID. You would not have liked not being able to see me in person. I have had so much time to take care of myself and none of that matters. I would love to get dressed right now and go to get your groceries and pick us up something to eat. I would love to sit and watch the Bachelor with you and Ninety day fiancé and all the other shows I hated. I would love to kiss you on the forehead goodnight before the drive home. But I can't do those things Mom. I hope to one day see you again in heaven. Just like that little boy lost in the mall I want to run to you but this time not to have to ever lose you. Until then, I will be here doing God's will whatever that may be. I got really lucky when I got you Mom. You are the best Mom a son could ever have and I miss you.