On September 29, 2020, around 5 in the afternoon, I heard a loud noise from upstairs in our house. Mom had just left to run to the auto shop down the street, so it was just me and my thirteen year old brother at home. I thought he had dropped something on the floor. When you watch crime shows a lot and you grew up going to the range, as I did, you think you would recognize a gunshot. I called out to him, with no response. After a few minutes, I start to go upstairs to check on him, cause he still didn't come down. I also didn't know that when people start to die, it smells really weird. So I'm walking up the stairs, and it smells weird, and I thought what I heard was my brother crying. I turn the corner into my parents room to see if I could comfort him in any way, and when I look down, I see him lying there, with blood pooling under his head. Now things are a little fuzzy when I try to remember what happened next. I think I screamed, and he looked up at me. Sometimes, I wish he hadn't. The last time I saw my brother alive, he was lying on the floor, blood and brains everywhere, but he looked at me, and he was trying to say something. I didn't know what to do. I ran down the stairs as fast as I could, later finding out that I almost broke my arm on the wall. I grabbed my phone and some towels and ran back up the stairs. I couldn't leave him alone. I immediately called mom. I don't know how cause I was shaking so bad, but I knew I needed to call her first. I facetimed her, and showed her what I was seeing. She told me to call 911 and said she was on her way. I called 911, and I can't remember what I said, but I remember I gave them my address. At this point, I didn't know what had happened, but I heard mom pull up, and as she came screaming up the stairs, I went down them, because I couldn't be up there anymore. The only reason I had stayed so long was because I wanted him to know that I love him and he was never going to be alone. It's when I collapsed by the front door that our mom shouted, "There's a gun. He shot himself." My world stopped. He did what? Until that moment, I thought he had fallen and hit his head. Next thing I know, our dad is pulling up, and the only thing I can think as he runs into the house is that his truck is going to be in the way of the ambulance. I set my phone down, with the police still on the phone. I moved his truck out of the way. My dad came outside and got my phone and was telling the dispatcher what was happening. I think this is when I passed out in the middle of the street, cause the next thing I know, the ambulance is there and they are asking if I'm okay. I move off the street, and the put me in grass as far away from the house as possible. I never saw my brother alive again. I spent the next hours talking to the police, and giving them my clothes, and letting them take pictures of me, and getting my hands swabbed for gunshot residue, because since I was the only one there, they had to assume I shot him. That's a whole different kind of pain. He died 8 hours later, and my life has never been the same.
Hi, alix. I am so sorry for what you have gone through and for your loss of your brother in such a tragic way. It is so awful that I don't even know what to say to try to comfort you. We lost our 28 year old son to suicide and I was the one who found him. You have been through a tremendous shock, to say the least. For right now I want to say I love you and everyone here understands some of the trauma you have been through. I hope you are going for counseling so you will have someone with whom you can talk to about this. I don't think your mother will be in very good shape either to support you, but maybe I am wrong. You may also share your honest feelings here. You will never be judged or criticized because we are all hurting and we know how crazy life is after something like this. May God comfort you, heal you, and give you the courage and strength you will need to go on. Love, Chris
