If we were on a playground, he was the odd, playful, nice kid asking everyone if they wanted to have some of his candy, and would they like to be his friend? Even if they pulled his hair or played tricks on him. I was the odd, misanthropic, stern girl sitting off the to side reading books. Until one day the nice kid asked me to share some of his candy, and I asked him how long he was going to put up with the shenanigans from the others. Had he no self respect? From that day on I found him next to me, sharing his candy, asking about my books, my interests; me chasing off the mean kids, and admonishing him for his misplaced trust. Until one day the question: "So... Are we best friends?" And from there, somehow, the two mismatched weird kids became best friends. He was a mess. Displaying all the hallmarks of undiagnosed ADHD, planning was difficult, keeping commitments was difficult, he was forgetful, and it seemed always getting into trouble for it. He lied often as a result of not wanting to get into trouble, it was easier to say the post office was flooded instead of admitting that he had once again forgotten. "I'm not dumb, please don't yell at me." I loved him anyways. His heart was so open, and he always wanted to help others even if his difficulties meant that he often over promised and under delivered. He thought people who could be organized or knew things he didn't were amazing, without malice or envy. Things weren't always easy for us, peaceful at times, tumultuous at times. Always, from a place of love. In October of last year, he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. After multiple surgeries and chemotherapy, he passed away on June 12th of this year. I can't help but wonder, when did his symptoms begin, and did he not tell me until it was too late because he was scared to overwhelm me? Reflexively covered it up because he didn't want to cause trouble? Did he try to manage things by himself until he couldn't? Was I not paying close enough attention? Is there anything that could have been done differently? Where was the misstep that sent everything spiralling? I vacillate between guilt, anger, pain and sadness; I rationally know that he was a grown man and was responsible for his own health and decisions. But in these early days, I can't really reconcile how everything came to pass. I just know he was a person I never wanted to say goodbye to. Even if he brought about a certain amount of chaos, I genuinely, wholeheartedly, profoundly, loved that man. I want my sometimes exasperating, sometimes magnificent and everything in between days back. I miss my best friend. Time... Keeps moving on. I feel as though I am arrested in this moment, revisiting memories, crying over them. Wishing that I loved him better, was a more easy going person, even though he told me he loved me, cheesily told me I was his guru, that the only thing he wanted was for me to love him. I suppose I just wanted to voice this somewhere. So... I leave it here.
Thank you for sharing. I am sorry for your loss. Each person we have lost is irreplaceable. It does feel as if time has stopped-why is the world still going on just like always? I remember walking and seeing a house above me on the mountain and hearing someone laughing. My mind could hardly make sense of it. It seemed so strange and out of place. I remember talking to someone who "had it altogether" and who was listening and trying to encourage and help me. I told her, "I used to be just like you", but now I lived in another world-a world that can fall apart at a moment's notice. The parade of life was going on, but it had stopped for me. I never gave up the belief that only God could help me, and He did. I have continued on without the one I loved so much, and that is amazing to me. It was only by the grace of God that I survived. I give all the glory to God.
Because most people expect a person to be 'normal', they lose out on the special things these 'different people' have to contribute. What a shame. They can see the world in a slightly different light than we do and that is a great blessing, but most people don't see it that way. They just want them to comform and 'fit in the box' and so they miss out on all the very special things they could learn from them. I learned so much from my son, but others around him didn't realize what he had to offer that could enlighten their lives. It is their loss. We can't all be the same. What a boring world that would be. These really are 'exceptional' people as the term says, but I see it in a very positive way, not a limitation or a detriment, but a blessing.
I miss my best friend too. I just lost him a month ago and the world seems just almost impossible to navigate. Everything reminds me of him. I want to turn around and go home every time I go out and hide under the covers and cry. We weren’t terribly alike but we had a great deal in common too, enough to feel like soulmates when we weren’t fighting or fussing. He was the great love of my life. The weird part is I find myself reaching out for connection as if I were looking for another partner but my soul just will not be shared with someone else. I’m scared of loneliness but I guess I’ll have to deal for a while.
I am sorry for your loss. There is ever so much adjusting we have to do when we are grieving. Losing the person we love changes so many things. The adjustments are hard, but you can do it. When you are lonely, remember that God loves you, He is there with you, and you can pour out your heart to Him any time you need to. He will understand. Jesus stood at the tomb of Lazarus and wept, so He knows what we are feeling when we are grieving. This is a good site. No one is judgmental, so you can say what you need to, in order to find some release. We all care and know how dificult this is for you. Chris
