I'm glad I didn't know in that first year that the loss of my son would continue to break me after so many years. But someone somewhere said that grief is the price we pay to love someone. It hasn't hurt to the same degree every year, but this year the anniversary hurt more than it has for a long time. One reason is that I finally published my blog posts about Malcolm's suicide so I was re-reading and re-membering all that. I have been encouraged to share my book. So I wanted to let people know about it. It is available as an e-book and as a paperback on Amazon: Surviving a Loss: The Devastation of Suicide, Mona Villarrubia. This is what I wrote on the back cover: "How many children do you have?" An innocent question in a social gathering. But how to answer truthfully without causing discomfort. If I respond "We had two sons, but we lost one," the inevitable follow up is, "Oh, I'm so sorry. How did he die?" And maybe I can't have that conversation right now. But if I answer, "We have one son and he lives in Massachusetts," I'm not lying but I am denying the reality of my first born, denying his very existence. And the pain of that is unbearable. Malcolm is my son; he will always be my son. I think of him daily; I talk to him often. But Malc chose to take his own life at the age of 24, barely out of adolescence, on the cusp of adulthood. And we don't know why. We will never know why.One of my survival tools is writing. In a previous book, Traces of Hope, I pursued answers to the questions of suffering and death. I referenced philosophers and theologians. This book is very different. It is a collection of posts from my Surviving a Loss blog at Wordpress.com. I have no answers to offer, but I have perhaps written something useful to you or someone you know. That is my hope.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I too have lost my son to suicide-at age 28. It is something we will carry with us forever just like we can carry them in our heart forever. May God bless you, Chris
