I lost my husband 3 days ago.

My husband who was diagnosed with CCL leukemia 4 years ago, was in remission and doing well. Two weeks ago he was diagnosed with cellulitis. After a six day hospital stay he was released to home health care to continue antibiotic treatment. On Thursday we were on the way to a follow up appointment with his primary care physician. We weren’t far from home when he began to have a horrible episode in the car. Groaning and close to passing out. I told him I was turning around & going immediately to the emergency room. He wanted to continue on to his appointment. I said no we’re going to the emergency room.
I drove into the emergency room driveway. There were 2 security guards talking. I started beeping & yelling , I need help. They jumped into action immediately & got a wheelchair. They told me to go park my car, they would get him inside. He was taken back into a room immediately. His blood pressure was very low.
The blood pressure got stabilized. He was going to be admitted to the intensive care unit. The doctor from the intensive care unit came to the emergency room to evaluate my husband.
He asked my husband what he was experiencing. My husband replied his chest hurt. The intensive care doctor said he was ordering a Ct of his head to make sure nothing was going on to cause the low blood pressure. He also ordered a chest Ct. I told the doctor he had been complaining of abdomen pain & constipation for a few days. I said he likes to self diagnose & said it was because of the antibiotics.
The doctor also added an abdomen Ct. They took my husband off for the scans. A short time later the intensive care doctor returned & said good thing you mentioned the abdomen pain. He has a leaking aortic aneurysm. He went on to explain more in detail what that meant.
He would need surgery immediately.
The vascular surgeon came and told us the procedure. She said in order to do the surgery they had to shut down the kidneys permanently, and would need to be on dialysis for the rest of his life. I was shaking my head vigorously no. She said the alternative is death. So we okayed the surgery. She explained in full detail that it was a very risky surgery & didn’t usually have a good outcome. I was terrified. He was in surgery for over 4 hours. The doctor came out & I could tell immediately it was not good. She said they did everything they could . That was such horrible news. She explained that he was receiving medication to keep up his blood pressure. They would keep that going. They would bring him to a room so we could say our goodbyes. My sons and some friends were with me. I am totally devastated! Where do I go from here? The pain is overwhelming!

 

What a terrible earth-shaking shock for you. I am sorry for your loss.
You stated the truth when you said the pain is overwhelming. It hurts so bad physically it feels as if your chest is going to explode, because a piece of your heart has been torn out. Jesus is the only one I know who truly understands the depth of our pain because He suffered the same pain and worse himself. He can direct you and carry you through this very difficult time for you. I know He can because He did it for me. When I was completely helpless and dysfunctional he was there for me. I knew Him well enough to know that if I just kept looking to Him and waiting for Him to get me through the suicide of our son, that He would do it-and He did. I didn't think I could go on one more day, but when I couldn't, He could. He was my lifeline, and really my only lifeline, to continue on with this life. He carried me when I couldn't hardly get up off the couch because the depression and greif were so heavy. I just kept looking to Him and expecting Him to come through for me and He did. When I thought I couldn't go one day, I found out He could bring me even to this far, 25 years now since we lost our dear Shawn. I wish he was here. I miss him. We did so many things together. I am just waiting for the day when I will be able to see him again. I know he lives because our Saviour lives.
Please take hope in this. I know you can make it through this. I have confidence that you will be able to find some way to continue on.
I love you.
Chris

 

Thank you for your beautiful testimony. I am a firm believer in God. I know that one of Gods greatest promises is that we will reunite with Him and loved ones after death. I know my husband is with Him now. I know one day this will get easier. I also know I have to feel the emotions to heal. I’m just terrified of going on without him. Right now I don’t know how I’ll get through. Your story is one I will refer to. I know God has guided me through all of my life, and will do so now. I’m so sorry for your terrible loss. God will help us! Thank you for reaching out!

 

I am so incredibly sorry you're going through this. Reading your words, I could feel the urgency, the fear, the hope, and the heartbreak all wrapped together. You did everything you could, and I hope you truly know that. Your love, your instincts, and your strength were all there for him at the most critical time. That kind of devotion is something beautiful amidst all this tragedy.

Losing someone in such a sudden and traumatic way leaves a kind of shock that takes time to even begin processing. There is no “normal” way to grieve something so big. It’s okay to not be okay right now. Please don’t feel pressured to figure out “where to go from here” all at once. Just take one moment at a time.

You're not alone in your pain, even though it may feel that way. If ever you feel the weight is too much, there are places where people share, listen, and just sit with each other’s grief. It doesn’t fix anything, but sometimes being heard without judgment can soften the sharpest edges.

Sending love and strength as you navigate this loss.