I lost my honey of 45 years. She was my girl.

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Harry Gerling, Feb 17, 2019.

  1. Harry Gerling

    Harry Gerling Member

    In August 2018. My wife was working with our tractor lifting rocks out of the trailer. She lost track of the bucket a bit and when she went to stand up she bumped her head a good one. There was a bump. After couple weeks she showed me that the bump wasn’t going down. I told her to go to the doctor. She went and the doctor told her well you getting older and don’t heal as fast. September it still wasn’t gone and her back started hurting. I told her again to go to doctor. My wife was the toughest person I know. She hardly ever went to the doctor. This time doctor looked and told her she had pulled a muscle. She bought up her bump again. Then in October the pain was getting bad. She didn’t tell me but she wasn’t spending anytime outside in her garden so I knew she hurt. She kept telling me she was feeling better. Then one night I was in bed she passed out on the floor. My son helped her into bed and she told him she hadn’t been eating right. Then when I found that out I told her something isn’t right. A couple of day went by and she called me at work and told me she was having trouble seeing. I ruched home and her doctors appointment was the next day at 10:40. I got up that morning at 4. She was on the couch holding her head with tears coming out of the corners of her eyes. I rubbed her head trying to make it feel better. About 6 am I told her that the doctor with this new information would want to do some sort of scan to see what’s wrong. I told her let’s just go to the er and get her something for her head and something for her back. That was Thursday. The er scanned and found a tumor in her skull. The doctor told s us that wasn’t the source of the cancer. CANCER I said and looked at my baby. We need to do more scans to figure it out. They took her to the hospital. We were there and she got scheduled for the mri on Friday. They cane in and told us they had found cancer in her lungs and kidneys. They did a biopsy later Friday so they could figure out what kind it was and what we facing as far as treating it. She wanted to come home and I wanted to bring her home so we could figure out how to tell the kids and figure out our next step. The doctor said ok but we want to ck her heart to be sure it was ok to bring her home. They did that and the doctor told me I could bring her home. As I was walking beside her bed as they took her back to the room she was coming in and out. Then in her room she was out. I waited and waited and tried to wake her several times. Then I told her I needed to get home and get some rest and I would be there first thing in the morning to get her. I told her I loved her and kissed her. She mumbled something I took as I love you too bubba. So I left. When I got up the next morning at 4 I had messages from the doctor on my phone. I called and he told me that she had a major stroke and her brain had swelled. I asked are you telling me my wife is dying? He said yes. She died Saturday as I and the kids were by her side. Thursday morning I was a very happily married man of 45 year. Saturday I was a widower. She had retired early to be home. She had worked since she was 14. We were together 50 years. I am truly lost without her. All the retirement plans. I was going to retire in September and we were going to travel. I miss her so much.
    Feeling alone likes this.
  2. Rana

    Rana Member

    I totally get the lost feeling. The difficulty with thinking about all the plans you had with your love.
  3. Harry Gerling

    Harry Gerling Member

    I wish this feeling would ease a bit. I know , time give it time.

    Thank you for ur reply.
  4. Cheryl neeb

    Cheryl neeb Member

    My husband died almost 2 years ago, along with our son, and my future feels pretty bleak. I am nearing retirement age, but now have no plans to do so. What in the world would I do with all of that time? We looked forward to spending retirement together, seeing places, just hanging out together. Now it sounds lonely, pointless. I don't think time will help, at least for me it just feels like I am getting further away from my husband and son, but no further from the pain of missing them. I long for them, and my 'normal' life.
    Missmyangels likes this.
  5. Harry Gerling

    Harry Gerling Member

    I know exactly what ur feeling. We also were planning to have some fun. I’m sorry forbur lose.
  6. Tutti

    Tutti New Member

    My sweet husband of 43 years had health issues, but we were not expecting a massive brain hemorrhage. I heard him making an odd sound as he was getting ready to go to bed. I went to check on him and found him unable to move his left side. I called 911 and told him I loved him and he replied back with slurred words, I love you too. The last words I heard him say. Two minutes later he was unable to respond and a few minutes after that he was in a coma. This was a Saturday night about 8 weeks ago. He died Tuesday morning with our children and me with him. 2 1/2 days later. How was I going to walk out of that hospital without him? It was wrenching. We won't be getting old together. Our simple dreams of watching our grandchildren together are now different. Miss him so much.
  7. Harry Gerling

    Harry Gerling Member

    I know ur pain. It’s been 4 months. The sudden passing is so unexpected. Takes a while just to understand or make sense of that. I did find writing it in someway helped. Knowing I’m not the only one helps. Each days is new. I look at things around our house and find some joy. I remember when she bought it it made it. She was so happy. We were so happy. I know there is a new chapter coming.
    Feeling alone and Tutti like this.
  8. Feeling alone

    Feeling alone Member

  9. Feeling alone

    Feeling alone Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your last days with your husband of 43 years.
    My dad was taken off life support 15 days ago - my mom, 2 sisters, myself and 2 of his 7 grandchildren were with him at his bedside when he took his last breath. It was deeply sad but I'm so thankful for that time with him. Peace to you
  10. Feeling alone

    Feeling alone Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Your comments provide so much insight and comfort to those of us grieving a loss--peace to you
  11. Harry Gerling

    Harry Gerling Member

    Thank you. Please don't feel alone. There are real folks who care and worry for you. I know its very hard to have that smile again. I remember so vividly my baby getting up with me. Very early but she started my day. How did you sleep? I love you as I headed to work each day. She was my very best friend. I do miss her still so much. They keep telling me there is a new chapter coming. I was perfectly happy with the closed chapter. I never saw it coming. Be good and draw on those memories for driving on vacations and laughing and having so much fun together. I'm I capable of that again? I don't know.
    Feeling alone likes this.
  12. Harry Gerling

    Harry Gerling Member

    For all. It’s been five months. I am starting to feel better and I think I’ve come to grips with it all. Nothing I can say or do will change it. During my wife and my talks about “what if” she always told me I am a people person. She told me to open another chapter in life. Enjoy. I didn’t feel as if that would ever happen but I’m starting to feel much more social and haven’t shed any tears for a few days. I miss her so much. She truly made my life so happy. I look forward to the next chapter.

    Thanks for reading.
    Feeling alone likes this.
  13. Heidi-Hi

    Heidi-Hi New Member

    Harry, sweetheart, I lost my husband after more than 50 years together and I can feel your pain. My own grief is still very raw, my loss happened so suddenly and unexpectedly last September. My husband was a very fit cyclist, retired only for 3 years and he collapsed cycling up a steep hill. No one was able to revive him sadly. All our retirement projects gone in an instant. It’s hard to come to terms with, friends and even family keep their distance (who wants to be near a miserable person syndrome)!
    My life seems shattered and hopeless at the moment.
    Courage to all in a similar situation.
  14. Angel

    Angel Member

    I am deeply sorry for your loss Harry. I lost my boyfriend of almost 18 years and we had so many plans to grow old together. He was only 43 years old and was hit by a truck trying to cross the street, killing him instantly. Our youngest son was 16 when he passed. It has now been a little over 5 years. I have been able to move on in life but not to the degree that everyone thinks I should. Such a devastating loss changes who you are. My best advice is to grieve in your own way, in your own time. There will be many "well wishers" telling you to get over it. Sometimes you just can't. I will be thinking of you and hoping you can at least find some peace.