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I lost my dad to suicide 3 weeks Ago! His funeral is in 2 days! I’m broken

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by MilesyAV, Nov 14, 2020.

  1. MilesyAV

    MilesyAV New Member

    I don’t really know where to start; or why I’m doing this but I guess, I’m hoping someone will understand how I can cope with this unbearable pain!!

    I’m from the UK, it’s nearly 12pm over here(midnight) and I haven’t been to sleep earlier than 3am since the 20th October 2020.

    My dad, my poor dad, took his life the early hours of 20th, he also wrote a public suicide note on Facebook for the whole world to see. He carefully planned this, we have since uncovered that his method of suicide was carefully ordered and delivered 3 weeks prior to his death.

    There were no warning signs, I had only just developed a close bond with him after so many years of trying. His wife and my two brothers( disowned him 5 months ago) My sister and I, from a previous marriage, were there to pick up the pieces and so happy to do so.

    For the first time in 32 years I finally had my dad back!! NOW HE IS GONE!

    His funeral is on Tuesday 17th November, I went to see him last Wed and he looked so different. His chosen suicide method meant he was deteriorating at a faster rate!

    I don’t want to say goodbye, every night I’m driving myself crazy looking at messages, emails, photos, songs, anything I can do!!

    I just want my Dad back. I don’t understand why he has done this after he just got close to us again. I miss him so much, I keep imagining that night, what he did, how he did it. Causing myself more pain! Everyone says they understand , how can they! A loss of a parent is bad enough, let alone a planned suicide!
     
  2. TanyaF

    TanyaF New Member

    Planned Suicide is not easy to deal with at all. You find yourself imagining the way it happened and it scars you even though you weren’t there. you can feel the pain and imagine it being you.
    I’m so so sorry you lost your father. Especially so soon after you just got him back. I hope that you’ve been able to find the joy in the songs and pictures and memories. You are not alone.
     
  3. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    So sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved Dad. Sometimes depression gets so deep that there is nothing anyone else can do to help the person feel better. We want so badly to change circumstances, but that is impossible. The only thing we can do is try to go on without them, until we see them again. Love to you. Chris