It started with my grandpa in 2014. He was sick for a while. Then my grandma passed suddenly a year later. I was greatly affected by her passing. One day she was here, and then after a phone call she wasn't. Still, it's a normal part of growing up to lose your grandparents; I feel like I was processing their losses well enough. Then that same year, my aunt moved from Georgia into my grandparents' house with her husband and daughter. They had just moved, and I was going to meet them on my day-off to help unpack, but that night I got another call from my mom, and she told me that my aunt's husband (of one year) had murdered my aunt and killed himself. It just brought up all of the grief I had already been handling. Holidays are still difficult. It's difficult for some people to understand my grief, because to them grandparents and aunts don't mean a lot, but I'm estranged from my father and his family. My mom's family is incredibly small. I'm getting married in a year, and the only family I have is my mom, a first cousin, and my mom's aunt. Then, six months ago, one of my closest friends committed suicide. Now, I'm falling apart. I've been in therapy for three years for depression, and I'm having a difficult time talking to my therapist about the grief. I was hoping a support group would help, but I also feel like my losses are so insignificant to that of others. There are people on here that have lost spouses, parents, children. I don't even know how to feel about grief anymore.
Dear Heather, All that grief and trauma! I don't think death of any loved ones can be insignificant, after all they are your loved ones, your special people. I do relate though to how we judge our grief or our right to it. I have struggled at times with that since losing my step son. His birth mom was having a funeral for one of her children for a second time in her life and I did my best to support her but my loss was huge too. He had been my son too for 17yrs. I still see his squishy little 3 yr old face, remember the first day of kindergarten... And the pit of too much tragedy! I am there with you on that. Sometimes I feel like a part of me is stuck in some simultaneous grieving reality. My conscious and subconscious mind battling to control my body. I tell myself the loss is not happening right now, there is no emergency but I feel it. I am practicing leaning into my grief in hopes of allowing it space to be and de-escalated the bodies reactions. It is getting better after a year of intense work but still flares up every few weeks in some way. I don't know either. As a spiritual teacher and healer, as a person who has lived by faith, it's confusing to be knocked down so many times. Sending you prayers of comfort. Maybe if we keep walking... I know that nature reminds me I am not alone.
