I don’t understand why my grief intensifies

I lost my father 25 years ago and my mother 5 years ago. After my father's death, my mother helped to show me how to move forward. Since my mother’s death, my grief for both my parents had intensified, rather than eased. I am 70 years old and cry daily for the emptiness that encompasses me. I am divorced, my children and grandchildren do not live close by, I retired from teaching after 40?years in the job and find myself paralyzed to move on. I tend to isolate myself, have read numerous books on grief, and keep wondering if there is some world in which I’ll ever see them again. I have so many regrets and would give up all I have just to hold their hands for a few minutes. Am I alone in feeling this way at my age? I gave sought professional help, but it hasn’t helped. I’ve never turned to on-line support before and just hope there is at least one person who shares my feelings. Thank you for your patience in reading this.

 

Hello Ilene. I feel for you and I'm experiencing similar feelings. I lost my mom nearly 3 years ago, my husband 2 years ago and my dad passed away 1 month after my husband. None were expected. I have two siblings and my daughter but they have their own lives and I feel like I'm bringing them down when I talk about the grief. I've not sought professional help nor have I ever expressed feelings on an online site. I signed up to this site a year and a half ago but never said a peep. I just keep marinating in my grief- unable to separate the feelings of loss I feel for each. It's a struggle each and every day. I know all the things I should be doing- get out with friends, start new hobbies, yadi yadi yadi... but I'm not motivated to do any of those things. I keep going through the motions and try to put on a happy face when I'm actually so empty and lost inside.

 

T

 

Thank you so very much for replying to my post. How odd that it’s comforting to know that someone else understands what you’re going through because if some similar circumstances. Odd because I not want anyone else to know the pain, yet without understanding the pain, the comfort level could not be there... does that make any sense? Your losses are profound; perhaps writing to one another can help. At least I hope it can. My daughters don’t live near me, and like you said, burdening children with ones personal grief seems to be so self-serving.

I try to set small goals for myself in terms of real-entering the world, but have failed miserably... I keep putting them off. Like you, when I am out and about, I feel like those depression commercials where people are holding happy masks in front of their faces to obscure what’s really going on inside.
Just know that someone was willing to reach out to mean is so very much appreciated and has brought a real smile to my face. Thank you so much!

 

I agree, it feels somewhat like a relief to talk about it with someone who 1) understands and 2) actually wants to hear it. LOL Beyond missing all the obvious, you know what's the worst of it all??? It's not feeling loved anymore. I mean truly loved. The kind of love you only get from a parent and spouse. Suddenly it's just gone and there's nothing that can replace it, ever. I get so lonely but it's not the type of loneliness that can be relieved by a friend, a hobby or even my daughter whom I love more than anything in the world. I'll lunch with an old friend from time to time (months between) and I'll feel great for a few hours or get together with family and I'm re-energized for a day, but it's never lasting. I need to fill this hole in my heart and my soul but I don't see how. Perhaps that's what we have to grapple with and try to accept. Life will never be the same and it will never be better than it was. My husband was my best friend.. our marriage wasn't perfect, we had our share of disagreements, but he was my life. He was what made this house glow with his exhausting energy, booming laughter and every day kindness. Ugh.... its so quiet now.

 

Since my loves (Zach) passing in December I have reached out to more spiritual crowds. I've never been a religious person - but I've always believed that this is all too much to just be 'it'. It has awaken something inside of me that I never experienced after my father's passing - the inescapable feeling that he is not only still here but he's trying to show me every chance he gets. I've had some pretty incredible responses to my pleas so far.

I believe in the universe and nature and energies. The soul. The bonds we create with each other.
I believe that our stories were written for us a long time ago and we will continue to find each-other in every lifetime - because those bonds never break.
This is not the first lifetime we've found each other and it won't be the last.

Don't get me wrong - I too have struggled with needing to know whether or not we get to see each other at the end.
Are they waiting? Do I get to see them as they were when the left - or are we just energies that recognize each other?
It hurts not knowing - but I've experienced too much to believe all these things I've seen and felt are just "coincidences".

I was told after a recent past life reading (and I highly suggest it) that my path is 'beautifully difficult'.
According to the stars I was meant to walk this earth with many open wounds - so I can help others heal.
My soul chose hard lessons this go around, apparently.

Accepting that our stories are painful is difficult.
No matter how often someone tells me 'this is the path I'm meant to walk' - doesn't take away the fact that it hurts like hell.
That some days I just want to disappear.
That the realization of the loss feel so intense that I wish I could've left with him that day.

I don't know what the future holds and I don't have it in me to stare at it, at least not right now.
I wake up everyday and try my best - even if it's just showering. But I do it for him. Because I know he's right next to me saying 'atta girl'.
He believed in me more than anyone I've ever known - I want to make him proud.

I try to tell myself that this is what life is about. This pain. I try to honor it.
It's not about money and cars and careers. It's about who we meet - who we love.
I believe this pain means we're doing exactly what we're supposed to be doing - and they did exactly what they were supposed to do.

one of my favorite quotes...
[we are eternal beings. endings are not in our destiny.]

Always here to talk,
Kristin

 

It’s a hole that never seems to heal. My parents gave me unconditional love; they made me feel safe and cared for a listened to. In 30 years of marriage I was never told I was love, so I don’t know it’s like to lose the love of a spouse; I can only imagine the enormity of it, and I am so sorry you have to go through it. The loneliness is always present... I find myself (and please don’t think I’m crazy) talking out lid to my parents... telling them all the things I wish I had said. How I wish that my younger self could have realized that those early memories were the most important, yet I never knew to say thank you for them. It might be healing for us to share some of the most meaningful memories with one another. What do you think?

 

I want so desperately to believe that when one passes, their spiritual energy continues to be within reach, if not within sight. I look for signs every day, talk with my parents , ask God to send me a sign...but my pleas do t bring any answers, only more questions. I have thought of going to see a psychic, but don’t even know how to begin. The loneliness is overwhelming, and the more I withdraw into myself, the more the loneliness and fear take over. Since I am now 70, I actually don’t see much of a future for myself, and I know the existence in which I find myself makes me stagnate even more. Hopelessness overwhelms me... I need to find a purpose. It used to be my job, but I retired after 40 years to care for my mom. What an honor that was. Where do I go now?

 

I'm with you Ilene. I too desperately want to believe my loves are still here in spirit and one day we'll be reunited. I've laid in bed countless nights begging for them to come to me, show me a sign, let me know they're are here. Doesn't seem to work the way it does in the movies. They don't show themselves at my command. But when I hear the owl tooting outside my window, I just know it's mom. When the cool breeze comes through my window at night and covers my face and body, I know it's Ken. The feeling literally takes my breath away. He was always saving me from myself. Me being the impulsive, emotional one with the knee jerk reactions. He was always the calming voice of reason. He's still saving me... it's as though he's sitting on my shoulder guiding me through situations and STILL making me a better person. I talk to him and my parents aloud all the time. Though usually only when I'm alone. LOL
Regrets- I don't really have regrets when it comes to my parents. My mom and I were extremely close. We spoke by phone nearly every day and I visited her a few times a month. She knew how much I loved her and vice versa. My dad and I only became close over the last 10 years or so. He was a man of few words but we bonded over monthly games of Yahtzee, coffee and treats. He had the biggest sweet tooth and my husband was such a pleaser, he'd make some kind of scrumptious dessert every time we'd have Dad and my step-mom over for game night.
I understand being in the latter part of of life makes it easy to think there's nothing left but I firmly believe it's what we make of it. My mom and step-dad were married for over 40 years, he's 73, and he's met another woman- who's pretty much living in my mom's house! That's a story for another day. But my point is this, age is irrelevant. I'm 61 and on a good day, I feel in my 30s, a bad day..... well you know how that feels. I think sharing is the first step to healing. I feel better already. I'd love for you to share your memories and stories. I'm here.

 

A conversation I had many times with Zach about my father's passing was that I never dreamed about him. I never felt him with me. It always bothered me. I'd cry and beg for him to show me a sign - and I rarely ever got one. One of the things a healer told me is that I would when I'm ready. I never really understood what that meant until Zach died. The weekend of Thanksgiving - I went and visited a place from my childhood. Somewhere that was very sacred to my father and my family - a place I had not visited since his passing. It was the first time in 11 years that I felt him - I felt peace with the fact that he was gone. It makes more sense to me knowing that it was in in preparation for what was about to come. And the night Zach passed - I screamed out for my dad. I asked him to show me - to
help me and to help him. That very night - I had a dream that Zach and I were in New Orleans (a place we had never been, but had made plans to visit). We were there in the middle of the street and he hugged me. He hugged me so tight and for so long that when I woke up - I could still feel his arms around me.
I knew right then that it was my sign. My reassurance that it was going to be alright. That he was still here. He gave me something I never got after my dad's passing - a dream <3

Most want signs to be abrupt and obvious - I want them to be that way too...I wanted it to be him standing in front of me.
But it doesn't work like that.
The things you see, hear and feel - the owl, the breeze. Believe in those.
You'll know it when you experience them - it's a feeling of intuition - that gut instinct.

Zach comes to me most often in random moments that take me off guard - usually when I find myself deep in though - and usually about him.

I always ask out loud - for a sign. It could be a day or two later until I get it.
It's usually through music that I get a sign. I haven't voluntarily played any of 'our' songs since he left. But he's going to choose them for me I suppose.

The other day - I was talking to him about the house I just bought and how I don't feel strong enough or adult
enough to be doing this without him and how everything was so stressful and confusing.

The very next day I was contacted by an insurance company with his last name.
No relation. But it made me smile. I didn't even know that company existed.

My only advice is to ask - clearly and fully. And then pay attention.
I have been reading a lot of books on how to ask for signs. I'd be more than willing to share any if you think it would help.

I am going to a little pow wow in a couple of months with a hypnotherapist and two of her incredibly talented medium friends.
I absolutely believe and I think for me- it will be very healing.

I also have a transit chart reader friend who is absolutely incredible and my past life reader (through tarot cards) who blew my mind.
I am more than willing to get anyone in contact with them that would like.

It helped me make sense of everything that was happening.

Let me know what I can do to help. I know that for me - just having you both listen is incredible. I can't ask for more than that.
So thank you....

Always here,
Kristin

 

Kristin,

When we are lost in our thoughts, as you might be for Zach, it is just your heart and mind helping you to cope in some small way. Dreams are a way of talking to ourselves. If we each are fortunate enough to remember a dream or two. We can then try to understand them. I am also happy when I can remember dreams no matter what they are.

As I have been gripped by my emotions over the past 5 years for my wife, there were always periods of trying times that were very hard to get through. It was probably because I had seen something of my wife's or someone might have said something. So I have found myself searching for answers, wondering how I would get beyond the cloud of grief that has me in it's mist. One night after a hard day, I slept deeply, and when I awoke the next day for the first time in my months or longer I remembered the dream I had that night.

As I slept, I realized there was a spirit of white laying on my chest. I felt comforted by that fact. I wondered what it had been, and then I realized how strongly I had thought of my wife, had searched all the photo albums, watched so many videos, listened to so many songs, and had nothing but beautiful thoughts of Nadine. I then realized this dream occurred around my wife's birthday. It was as real to me as anything that has ever happened in my life and I strongly believe it was my wife reaching out to me in my greatest time of need.

Those wonderful thoughts you have of Zach are slowly healing you. Never stop believing. Take your days slowly and don't ever be afraid to cry, to talk, to reach out and I would others there will be others who will grab you and your thoughts and reply.


david

 

Thank you for your beautiful and kind words, David. They mean so much to me.

I find myself being panicked by the thought of him never coming back. Strangely enough - some days it truly does feel like I'm just waiting.

At times I think I'm going crazy for feeling that way - that in some way I'm not accepting the fact that he's gone. Maybe I'm not.
Maybe sometimes I think I'm supposed to be further along than I am - when in fact, it's only been a little over two months.

I just know that I miss him.
I miss him more than I feel my body can hold some days.

I find myself staring off a lot now - lost in thoughts about what I'm supposed to do - who I'm supposed to be.
Everything just feels so grey.

I am completely lost right now.

All my mind wants to do is figure out how to stop the hurting. It almost feels like the fight or flight response.
But it's just this relentless overwhelming feeling that I can change it. I can change it all. I can fix this.

I've been talking to him a lot lately - mostly asking him why he left me here.

I'm so scared I can't do this without him.
Scared too that in some moments - I just don't want to.
I'm finding it very hard to see the point - but I slowly push forward nonetheless.

My heart hurts. It hurts so bad.
When do I get to breathe again?

 

Don't know when you'll be able to breathe again Laced but I do know that one day you will be able too !! As you said it's only been 2 months and that isn't much time although it feels like forever in our state of mind. Keep trying to move forward while grieving the loss of your sweetheart, it will get better !! Dan

 

I've been thinking lately that I've been feeling more myself but then last evening I was getting out my suitcase in preparation of an upcoming trip and found a note from a hotel manager congratulating us on our 4oth anniversary ( our last one we celebrated ). I guess this journey is two steps forward and one step back, last evening was the one step back part !!?? Damn this is hard !!

 

Sorry you had to feel that pain.

 

I keep running into little reminders as well. It is hard.
Can't help but smile and cry at the same time.

My heart is with you <3

 

It's been over 6 years and I say goodnight to My husband and daughter. It helps me ❤️

 

The night my husband passed away, I was sleeping in the living room, wanting to be close to him. By this time he was non-verbal, not eating or drinking, it was the end. I woke up because I thought I heard him call my name. I went to check on him and he seemed to be sleeping. I am convinced that was the moment he passed. Four years later, I still miss him, and look for "signs" that he is with me. My heart wants to believe we will be reunited some day. I like to think when he entered Heaven his brother was waiting for him to go fishing. And his mother was there. They had both passed before him, having succumbed to cancer too.

I miss him. I just wanted to grow old with him.

 

I am very sorry for your loss. May God strengthen you through the worst of times.
I love you.
Chris