I lost my sister July 20, 2020. They found her is a park. The cops came and knocked on my door as I was leaving for work. She has been battling her addictions for years and promised me she was clean and begged to come live with me, so I let her. Things were good for a while then I started seeing the signs, the fights began, and I could not have that around my children so I made her leave. This is all my fault. If I justet her stay she would still be here. All I do is cry every sine day. I can barely work or take care of my children. I don't want to go out, im beyond depressed and I dont know what to do anymore.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is oh so hard to live with anyone who has an addiction. I think at some point a person just can't take any more of it. I also feel guilt for not letting our 51 year old son live any longer in our lower level. He then had a condo for a number of years. One day he was mad at his dad and came and slit all 4 of his tires. The sheriff put a restraining order for him not to come to our house. He called me and said he needed to get groceries, but actually just didn't want to be alone. So I picked him up and we sat in the grocery store lot for a while. He is very paranoid because of meth use and told me the name of someone I don't even know, that he thought might hurt him. I felt trapped in the car with him and finally took him back to his condo. I decided I just couldn't deal with all the nonsense drug talk any more so the next day I left him a note that I thought it was best we didn't associate any more due to the restraining order. He called me 2 more times after that wanting me to come pick him up at the store. I wasn't home and didn't hear the message until it would have been too late to get him. He probably thought I just wouldn't come for him, and I don't know if I would have or wouldn't have. He lived alone at the condo until one day he tore some things up in the condo and his landlord asked him to leave. I don't know where he has gone. I haven't heard from him in over a year. I am going on and on with this because I understand your feeling of guilt. In fact, I have heard a number of people state the same thing you and I are saying, 'If only I had done this or not done that'-so I am responsible for what happened to him or her. You must give this guilt over to God or it will destroy you and everyone around you. Each person has a free will to make decisions. Your sister knew what using drugs would result in. I am not criticizing her because an addiction is strong. But still you could not let her stay and let what was happening destroy your children's lives. I don't even have that excuse. I just didn't want to deal with drug behavior any more. How awful it is to make this decision. Surely I could have put up with more to help him. I don't know what the answer is-I guess there just is no good answer for anyone who starts using drugs and for those who love them. It is a heavy burden to know I didn't do anything to help when he was in such a mess in his life.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my sister to a drug overdose. My brother found her in bed, and she just didn't wake up. It's been such a horrible pain. No one could have prepared us for this feeling. Not only are we grieving their loss, but we're also now facing the trauma of sudden death, combined with guilt for maybe not doing more to save them from death with that type of circumstance. For me, I just have taken life one day at a time - as cliché as that may sound, it works because some days are good, other days are not. I know you posted back in July, so I'm hopeful you see this message to serve you as a reminder that it will get better. Sending you love, strength, and prayers to you and yours.
I am sorry for your loss. I hope the good days become more frequent than the bad ones. Stay close to God. He cares and will help you through the bad days. Chris
