I’ve Never Felt So Much Pain In My Life

For the first time in my life, I have no clue what do do after this. I know I have to continue but it hurts so much. I wake up every morning and look at the ceiling and realize, it’s not a dream and then I break down. I stay up all night just so I don’t have to wake up. I received the last phone call he made and he told me he loved me and that I was a god father but that he was going to end it and then he told me he loved me again and I tried to tell him let me go and pick you up and spend the holidays with me, he hung up…… 30 minutes later, my daughter found him in the closet hanging with his own belt.

 

Dear Lowell,
My heart literally breaks for you and your daughter to have to live this tragedy and to lose your beloved son/brother. I hurt for your son who saw no other way out and for his loved ones to live with the trauma, aftershock and incredibly complicated grief. You wanted to show him love and caring but he couldn't access that anymore. My concern is that both of you are getting psychological support for what you've dealt with. I just looked up some reasources and there is Alliance Of Hope with a much more active forum than this subforum here: https://forum.allianceofhope.org/forums/-/list only for survivors of suicide. I too am a survivor of suicide (my mother and my partner took their lives) and I am no stranger to that type of despair though losing a child is in a realm of its own. And I just really feel for your loss and what a nightmare this must be.
Please look into the resources that are out there for you and everyone affected, because this creates PTSD along with the intense grief. It is a long road of healing ahead, but I hope you find caring professionals or friends to guide you through it. You sound like are processing and surviving the best you can, Lowell. This has no words how painful this is. All I understand is that taking care of our bodies the best we can (sleep is so hard, eating is sometimes the last thing we want to do) but if we have some sort of self-care then we can tend to our emotional states better. That takes it time though. I am 4 months into my recent loss. Sleep still isn't great but I'm not haunted by the images anymore after lots of processing and talking and writing. I hope you find the help you need. I'm in a completely different time zone, but you can reach out to me if you ever need someone to talk to.

I also found this resource: https://allianceofhope.org/find-support/letter-to-the-newly-bereaved/

I really am truly sorry for your loss and I hope you find the people and places that can help you with your grief and healing.
Natasha.

 

Thank you for the kind words, and I too am sorry for your loss, yesterday was a month that he has passed. I ask myself if I have improved on my human behavior and I have been able to learn how to wake up, go to work then when I get home I find something to keep me busy till I get tired and then take a shower and then go to my room and grief alone. So I have learned that so far and if this is the way I am going to live for now….. it’s ok. I text or call my daughter everyday just to tell her I love her and I’m thinking about her. She is stronger than me at this point. My life has been turned upside down but I know I can’t ignore my other children. I finally was able to sleep more than 2 hours. I slept 3 hours, so with baby steps I can keep going, although I know that my life will never be the same.

 

Hi Lowell, you are doing your very best just to survive and get through this very crushing life shattering loss. And on top of that being there for your other children too. Your life and your whole being does change from being a bereaved parent and from losing a loved one through suicide. I hope you find others to talk to so you don't feel isolated in your grief. There's Compassionate Friends for instance. It's just day by day, moment by moment, as the shock and trauma is so raw. Please be gentle on yourself, it is so much for your psyche to process and integrate that your beloved son is gone. I wish you as much comfort as possible as you walk this unbearably difficult journey. May you be held and supported through it, because not only do you need to be strong and care for others. You too deserve support to process your loss. Take care of your wounded heart. Natasha.

 

I am trying to be strong. Let me explain a little further, forgive me but you will understand better. Joshua and my daughters mother divorced back in 2009. I remarried and my son Joshua came with me.and the good thing was that their mother and I never argued in front of the kids. So we had that respect. After I received the phone call from Joshua I called their mother and then my daughter, I told them both that Joshua was contemplating suicide. Well their is the blame that I play over and over I. My head. I should have called right away, why didn’t I make that first call,. I feel s

 

Hi Lowell, it's hard for others to support us in our grief, especially complicated grief through suicide loss which does bring all of the questions and guilt with it that can torment us. A lot of times people cannot tolerate death and loss that well so to hear about it makes them uncomfortable and have to confront their fears and the fraigility of life. Maybe their grieving process is different to yours if it's within a family. It's really difficult to be supported well, I understand the frustration. I have to go by with no support at all. That's why I am going to a grief therapist with decades of experience who knows what I get myself stuck on. I wish the same for you. Because we can add to our own pain in the grief with the blame we put on ourselves. It is so hard from your role as a parent to feel all the responsibility. It makes it so complicated. I hope a place like the Compassionate Friends which is all bereaved parents, some will have lost a child through suicide too. Or the Alliance of Hope with people who have been bereaved many years down the line and how they accesses some comfort and solace within their painful loss. It may not be the time yet, but I find listening to such stories gives me hope. It is a whole process to get through and all your emotions are valid. It's all an expression of your love for your son. I wish you even the tiniest moment of peace in your day and good help along your way. Natasha.

 

Hi, Lowell. How many times we play over and over, "if only I had done this" or "if only I had not done that or someone else had not done that". It is my opinion this is our heart's attempt to bring back our son. The thought of having to live with this reality is overwhelming. I did not think I could get through even one day. I kept telling God He must have been wrong when he said he would not allow something that we could not overcome; however, I found out that I was the one who was wrong. Only God can supply the comfort, strength, healing, and desire to go on that you so desperately need right now.
We care about you and your monumental struggle to keep going. Stay connected here with people who understand.
Chris

 

Thank you for the words that you said and yes the did cross my thoughts about “God wouldn’t give us more than we can’t handle”, but I’m not there yet, I’m still trying to cope and understand. I have learned to function throughout the day but before I go to sleep I spend a few moments grieving. His 25th birthday will be on Jan. 26th so that is going to be another day of strength. I have prayed and my parents always made me and my siblings go to church every Sunday so I know praying helps, but healing is still a far ways of for me. Thank you for your thoughts

 

You are still in the very early stages of grief-the stages which are so very hard. It will take a lot of time for you to be able to adjust to the way life will be for you now. How very hard to lose someone you love so much. I am sorry for your pain. I was just like you: I didn't want to go to bed because I would have to get up in the morning. The nightmare was not at night-it was when the day started again.
You are doing very well if you can function through the day. I know it is hard to be encouraged in any way but give yourself time. Be good and kind to yourself-you need that so much.
Praying for you that you will be able to make it through this first missed birthday. Everything first is always so hard. Hang in there until the dark days begin to lift. One day you will be surprised to find that there will be light again. I care about you.
Chris

 

May you find some peace and rest for today. Just take one day at a time. You are not alone. Everyone on this website has suffered terribly and understands what that pain is. Use these people to find support and strength to get through this.

 

Yes I understand, sometimes I feel like I’m selfish to not think of those that have suffered as well. I try not to think of my son during the day so I can make it through the day and then it’s like I don’t want to forget him and I know I won’t but it feels that way. I hope you have a good day too.

 

Thank you and I am absolutely sure you will never forget your son. The only way I found that worked for me was when thoughts started rising up that I knew were destructive and unhelpful, I just had to keep telling myself, "You can't think about that. Don't think about that. Focus on some other thoughts-any other thoughts that can distract your mind.", so I know what you mean.
At this time, it probably is almost impossible to think of others-right now it is you who needs support.
Hope you find some peace in this day.

 

I have not been completely honest with you. Last Sunday I found myself sitting at the dinning room table with a loaded pistol in front of me….. I had no doubt what I was going to do, I just didn’t know which way to point. My wife for some reason had gotten of early that day and as soon as she opened the door and saw me she ran to the table and intercepted the gun….. I do not remember getting the gun or sitting at the table. It’s like my mind went blank. She called my other children and we all spent the night together. I have always been a strong minded person but I never felt this much pain from loosing a loved one. Tomorrow would have been his 25th birthday, it will be a tough day for us but I think that the dark thoughts of hurting myself are gone. My children and my wife are really giving me a lot of attention and support so I have more to give them.

 

I am glad you are able to express your honest feelings. Thank God that He sent your wife home just in time to stop your destruction. Yes, I believe it was dark thoughts that were trying to destroy you. There is evil in this world and sometimes it would like to get rid of us.
I am so glad your family has completely realized how distraught you are. In my opinion, nothing will ever be harder in life for you than this. When you get through this, you will realize that by the grace of God, you can withstand anything life throws at you.
I am so sorry that your son is not there physically with you for his birthday.
I want to tell you something which happened to me because it relates to what is happening with you.