My husband and I were together for 12 years. We've known each other for much longer, we were really good friends. We have a beautiful family together, 5 kids in total (step children and children together). In 2 days it will be his 9 month anniversary, and honestly it's not any easier than it was the first few months. For the first three months, I was in such shock and disbelief. I was convinced he was still going to walk through the door even though I seen his dead body. I was traumatized. Finally I snapped out of it and realized my husband was purposely murdered, that he was set up. For the next three months after that I just buried my emotions down and focused on taking care of my kids. I self isolated and only went to work. For the last almost three months I've been focusing on my health and self care. I decided I didn't want to lay in my all day anymore (besides when working). I wanted to feel alive again, my kids deserved that and so did I. I started taking my anger out with excersing. Finally, I started allowing myself to grieve. I stopped numbing my emotions/pains, and they came up like a tornado and tore me apart. It's been two weeks of these emotions really kicking my ass and I'm just trying to deal with them. I'm finally allowing myself to grieve which I should've done a long time ago. It hurts a lot. I have somer anger towards him, which I really don't like. I can barely look at his picture or think about him without balling my eyes out. He was taken from us in a very violent, traumatic way. Now when I get super stressed out or depressed and start getting anxious about it all, I start exercising or go for long walks. It helps a lot. I need to be more open and stop keeping everything in, I've always buried my emotions down really deep. The only way I'm going to be able to fully heal is dealing with them head on.
