My husband and I were together for 12 years. We've known each other for much longer, we were really good friends. We have a beautiful family together, 5 kids in total (step children and children together). In 2 days it will be his 9 month anniversary, and honestly it's not any easier than it was the first few months. For the first three months, I was in such shock and disbelief. I was convinced he was still going to walk through the door even though I seen his dead body. I was traumatized. Finally I snapped out of it and realized my husband was purposely murdered, that he was set up. For the next three months after that I just buried my emotions down and focused on taking care of my kids. I self isolated and only went to work. For the last almost three months I've been focusing on my health and self care. I decided I didn't want to lay in my all day anymore (besides when working). I wanted to feel alive again, my kids deserved that and so did I. I started taking my anger out with excersing. Finally, I started allowing myself to grieve. I stopped numbing my emotions/pains, and they came up like a tornado and tore me apart. It's been two weeks of these emotions really kicking my ass and I'm just trying to deal with them. I'm finally allowing myself to grieve which I should've done a long time ago. It hurts a lot. I have somer anger towards him, which I really don't like. I can barely look at his picture or think about him without balling my eyes out. He was taken from us in a very violent, traumatic way. Now when I get super stressed out or depressed and start getting anxious about it all, I start exercising or go for long walks. It helps a lot. I need to be more open and stop keeping everything in, I've always buried my emotions down really deep. The only way I'm going to be able to fully heal is dealing with them head on.
Hi Valkyrie I’m extending my condolences to you and your family. Such a shame that he was senselessly murdered and on top of that you were traumatized after seeing his dead body. I can’t imagine or begin to know what you went thru emotionally and mentally after seeing his dead body. Was an investigation done? Did the police find out or know who murdered your husband? Do you know who set him up? Please respond only if it won’t drudge up bad memories. My husband asked our former friend to pick him up a bag of heroin from his dealer. Unbeknownst to him, the bag of heroin was laced with fentanyl and he died instantly according to the forensic pathologist who did his autopsy. The former friend and the dealer were never held accountable or charged with the drug induced death of my husband due to a lack of evidence according to the detective assigned to his death case. The police officers in the county all know the former friend and the dealer well since they have had frequent run ins with them for selling drugs and various other criminal acts. The Prosecutor’s Office in the county refused to open up a case against the former friend and the dealer for causing this drug induced death reasons unknown to me. I was denied victim compensation money from the state of New Jersey because overdose deaths aren’t covered. Glad that you pulled yourself out and started to grieve because it’s necessary that you grieve your husband. There’s no time limit to grieve your husband - just take it one day at a time. Keep pictures of your husband around your home so your kids will remember him for who he was - their loving father. I have pictures of me and my husband all around my bedroom walls and on my nightstand and on my entertainment center. I have a few pics of him on my cell phone and even have his voicemail message to me from 2019 saved onto my Google drive. Once in a while I’ll play the message just to remember what his voice sounds like. It’s been 6 years for me now and the hurt isn’t as bad as it initially was. The one thing that will never leave my memory is seeing the EMT’s carrying out a black body bag containing my husband’s body to an awaiting white van headed to the morgue. This traumatized me for life and everytime I watch a crime show and a black body bag is shown it triggers that awful night when I saw my husband’s body being carried out from the mobile home in a black body bag.
