How long did it take you?

My fiance died 11/9/21 unexpectedly. He had a heart attack at work. Currently, I would like to know how long you guys lost a partner. How long did it take to change the bedding? How long did it take to pack away there clothes? How long did it take to go through all their things? I haven't been able to do any of it. I still have his car in the driveway. I don't have anyone that has already experienced this. I know everyone is different but I want to know what others have done. There's more to my story but, I want help with this 1st.

 

Hello Yum Yum. I’m terribly sorry for your loss. My name is Gary and I lost my girlfriend Cheryl suddenly and unexpectedly 5/07/21 to a cardiac arrest. Cheryl had no known health issues and there were no warning signs. Cheryl had obstructive sleep apnea and basically suffocated in her sleep. The short answer is it takes as long as you want it to. Or as fast as you want it to. Cheryl’s clothes were donated to charity in the first week. Pretty much everything else is the same. I drive Cheryl’s car and sleep in her bed now. And no it doesn’t seem right. I thought about redecorating but I don’t want to now. the best advice I got was don’t make any sudden changes for a while. The cognitive part of our brain doesn’t work well under this tremendous stress load. We are in complete shock after losing the most important person in our life. Google “six needs of reconciliation for the Mourner”. This will jumpstart you on your grief journey. I knew losing Cheryl was going to wipe me out so I started grief support meetings and therapy. They are helpful But this site has been the best. Where can we go to express our grief? I lost contact with 75% of my friends and family. Grief blows their minds. The people here know what it is to have their world smashed into a million pieces. We support and encourage each other. We are deeply concerned about one another’s welfare. You will be greeted by some very wonderful people. Gary

 

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your fiance's
shocking, sudden death. May I ask your
first name? My user name is Van Gogh,
but I'm Lou and my wife's name was
Linda. She died suddenly, in front of me,
at a rehab unit, where she was undergoing
PT. She was 68. We were married 25
years. She was my best ( & only friend)
& family. I was in a state of shock, & had
PTSD. I went to a grief counselor, bc I
couldn't think straight. That was before
Thanksgiving, 3 years ago. Is it possible
for you to talk with a counselor, who
would help you with your understandably
jumbled thoughts? After Linda died, the
first thing I did, was to put her clean
clothes in bags, & call a charitable org,
to take them away. I felt good, bc the
clothes would help someone else. I washed
her bedding & donated that, along with her
other possessions, which made me depressed to look at. There again, I felt
good, bc I was helping others, not just
myself, in mourning.I would sell his car,
if you already have one. Wish I didn't
have to, but welcome to Grief in Common
( GIC). We call ourselves The Grief
Warriors ( TGW), bc we care about each
other & leave no one behind. I see that
you live in NYC. I live on the northern
coast of Massachusetts. When I was
younger ,I lived & worked, in NYC. The
winter has been especially tough on all of
us GW. Hope the next time we "talk", we
will be able to talk about all kinds of
things. At some point ,you will think of
the funny things Matt said, Hope you stay
with us on GIC . My grief counselor
suggested this site, & I joined late July,
& have met kind people, who "get it". I have made close friends here. I'm the
oldest of 3 other "brothers" : Gary, George,
.& Chad. I was first welcomed by Karen,
in Calif., and Patti, in South Carolina. I'm
also good friends with Deb, who also lives
in S.C. Despite our sometimes intense &
overwhelming grief for our soulmates,
we manage to make each other laugh
about things, as well as cry. Looking forward to our "talking" again. Lou

 

I am brand new at this & don't know if I am only supposed to answer the above or can I tell my story?

 

Hey how are you? You can do both. Its up to

 

Hey im sorry for your loss. Its different for everyone. Do it at your own pace. I lost my love Gant almost 2 yrs ago. I still haven't really gone through his stuff. He had some items he had put in a container and I offered them to his nephew. He never came to get them. I put them in a bag and havnt been able to bring myself to move them yet. I've been taking baby steps with it. I've said im.going to do.more. things this year and I have alot to.do but to.me it all is a process. Pray for strength and do.things when it feels.right for you. I still pray for.strength each day. My kids are definitely my motivation especially since it feels like we all we got.

 

So sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in a very similar way as you lost yours. From a massive heart attack but he was at home and we got him to the hospital by ambulance. He was gone from our beautiful life in 2 hours. That was 11/17 but 3 years ago. . You need to decide what feels right for you on when to go through things. I’ve given very few things away. For what ever reason his things help me through the day. So most of his things are here, some right where he left them. They feel special, because he put them where they are and he won’t be moving anything again.... It doesn’t hurt anyone if his things are in his closet but it helps me. We ran a business together and I was fortunate enough to have a conversation about what he planned to keep after retirement. I used that as my guide and sold things and tossed but kept what he planned on keeping. We all do what feels right for us. Like Gary mentioned he does with Cheryls car, I drive Rons truck sometimes and as for the sheets. I struggled with that. It took me a while. His pillow case is still on his pillow. It’s been 2 1/2 months for you. You’re loss and feelings are still so very raw. If it bothers you there’s no need to attack that now. Put it on the back burner. Make yourself lists of things you’d like or need to do to help clear your mind. Try to get fresh air and if anyone asks how to help you if you do t have anything ask them to come sit have a cup of coffee with you. Just someone there helps so much. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and you’re so young. But everyone here on GIC understands everything you’re going through and we will off support. Never any judgement. Remember to take care of you. Robin

 

KarenLee,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. You’re welcome to share your story here. This site can be a little confusing, you’ll understand it as you visit and hopefully share your story. There’s a large community of people here that will support you and we all understand the deep pain you’re feeling. And how we’re all just trying to keep our head above water. You’ve found a good place to be, sorry any of us need to be here, but it does help. Take care, Robin

 

I’m really sorry your fiancé died, Yum Yum. My partner, Kenn died 3 months ago on Nov 2nd 2021.
I wanted him to remain wrapped in our sheets when they took his body so I had to put clean sheets on the bed the same day.
There was an immediate need for warm clothes at a homeless camp near me around thanksgiving so I sent all of his coats down.
A family had a house fire so a box of his things went to them just a few weeks ago.
Some of his clothes I stole and wear them for sleeping or gardening.
The rest of his clothes are washed and folded in laundry baskets in the spare room. They’ll just sit there until an opportunity presents itself. I’ve gathered most of his things in that room, mostly just moved it to a safe space where I can deal with it later.
I went through his phone and email in December before closing accounts and turning everything off.
I’ve taken photos of his paintings so we can give family members an opportunity to select ones they might like to have at some point.
Hope that answers your question from one person’s experience. You are right, every grief journey is individual but I do know having something tangible can help when everything is overwhelming so I thought I’d just write that out directly.
When you are ready to share your story you can jump in anywhere, we kinda float around from thread to thread but wherever you post we’ll find you.
~Bernadine

 

Welcome, KarenLee. We’ll actually find you wherever you post in the Loss of Spouse group since we keep an eye out for new messages so do what is easiest for you to get started. I look forward to hearing your story. ~Bernadine

 

KarenLee, thank you for saying your
name. This site is safe. We use only first
names. We can tell the town, city,
or statein which we live,, in addition
to to the names of our soulmates. Hope you can stay with us, & "talk" soon. Lou






























111112

Bernadine, woke up in middle of night,&
checked GIC. I just want to say that
what you accomplished, alone,was
inspiring to others. In The Widower's
Notebook, the author, Jonathan,says that
he amazed himself about what he had to do, and did,after his wife., Joy , died
suddenly. Thank you for welcoming.
Yum Yum. I really hope she stays with us.It was good to see the return of Amber
Grace. Lou

 

My husband died 4 months ago from the covid and now I'm at a loss over everything

 

KarenLee,I'm so glad you're staying with
us on Grief in Common. I am so sorry about the shocking death of your
soulmate, from this scary pandemic.
Thank you for saying your name. May I
ask the name of your husband? My name
is Lou & my wife's name was Linda.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. Its fresh so sure you're at a loss. Part of you is gone. Its been almost 2 years for me and its still rough. Take time for yourself and take deep breaths. There is no rush. Tell us your story when you're ready. We’re here for support. I pray you get stronger with each passing day.

 

I am really glad I found this group. Since it's been 4 months since my husband died most people are getting sick of hearing how sad I am. My son was murdered a year ago and now losing a husband to covid has really been a double whammy. Sometimes I feel like a want to not get up to meet the day. Alot of times I spend in my pajamas, don't even bother to get dressed. Why bother getting dressed when I'm not going anywhere. I try to have 3 or 4 things to do in the

I do not understand how to answer or post.

 

I was married for 52 years and now nothing. No husband. No security. No knowledge to do all the things he did. I was always identified as Pete's wife, now who am I?

 

The site is confusing but you'll get use to it. It you want to respond to someone post directly just hit reply and respond under what they said. Otherwise just hit reply at the bottom of the page and it'll reply to whole thread. Either way we'll see it and someone will respond. Its definitely hard learning to do things by yourself. Take your and and ask for help from people you trust. You are still yourself you just have to figure who that is to you without Pete but no hurry on that. He'll always be part of you. We have small kids and I feel like I became a single parent in the worse way but I allow my kids to be motivation. You are still healing from the death of your son now you've lost your partner. Don't try to heal on your own. We're here to help and listen but if you feel you need more definitely seek it. I don't think people that havnt been through the type grief you dealing with want understand it thats why it feels like they think you should be over it or just don't want to hear it. We're here anytime.

 

KarenLee, the more you reveal things
about yourself, the more we can help each
other. I had asked for your first name &
that of your husband. Today, you have us
his name, which I learned in grief
counseling, is a healthy thing to do.I feel


terrible that not only are you mourning
Pete, after 52 years of marriage, but the
shocking death of your son. Although
my wife, Linda , & I were married fewer
years, 25, no children,I have some of your
feelings. Linda died 3 years ago, in front
of me, at 68. My agony of grief, including
guilt that I didn't do enough to "save" her,
precipitated PTSD, & I had to have grief












therapy. I see in your information that
you & I are the same age. Recently, I had to
go to the ER in the middle of night, with
scary health problems. I prayed to God
that I would live to see another day, to
see the Spring & Summer after a tough,
gray cold winter. When Linda died, I
didn't care if I lived or died. Now, I like to
help people both on & off this site, and
it gives me purpose & meaning. There are
kind people on Grief in Common (GIC)
who welcomed me, and I want to
welcome new members like you. Lou

 

Hi KarenLee I am very sorry for your loss of Pete and your son. That is the worst kind of double whammy. We have members on this site who have experienced that too. My name is Gary and I lost my girlfriend Cheryl 5/7/21. Cheryl and I were each other’s everything. We were never happier at any other time in of our lives. Cheryl died suddenly from a cardiac arrest caused by obstructive sleep apnea. I was a zombie four months. I couldn’t make simple decisions. I had to keep my foot on the brake when I got into the car because I didn’t know what gear I was in when I took off. I stopped going to in person grief support meetings when the omicron hit. But they have been a big help. I’m also seeing a healer. Grief is relentless. A never ending torture of our minds. We can’t do this alone. GIC has given me real friends who support and encourage me. We are deeply concerned about each other. We are like family of warriors. Lou gave us the name The Grief Warriors (TGW) because of our constant battle against grief. About all of My relatives and friends are tired of hearing my grief too. You’re receiving a lot of support here. Like Lou suggested stay with us. You belong here. Gary

 

Thank you, Gary, for reaching out to give
comfort to Karen Lee, & to welcome her.
to GIC. I really appreciate your giving me
credit for TGW.