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hi there. venting. miss my love.

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by chatty709, Jul 6, 2024.

  1. chatty709

    chatty709 New Member

    my boyfriend passed away by suicide 6/10. I've felt all the feelings, emotions, angers, the "what ifs", why didn't I say this, why didn't I tell him more
    At night my hearts pounding and sinking at the same time because I'm replaying so many situations. I should have gone with him here that day or I should have said how I really felt, or been more vulnerable. the pain of thinking why didn't our love just click in for a second for him to realize he has so many people who care for him.
    When he's felt like this before he's reached out to his mom and brother, why not this time? what changed? what was the turning point that day within 1-2 hours... and we don't know and will never know and its gut wrenching bc i just keep trying to find an answer...from nowhere.
    My boyfriend suffered from mental illness since high school, and did not fear death. Past 6 months he had a climbing fall, which we thought was a fracture and saw many doctors who told him many different things when they finally said he had CRPS (which we s till don't fully believe) after that , he had chronic pain and we think this injury was somewhat of the tipping point... That MOnday last week, no one could reach him by 11:30. although I talked to him that morning .
    The biggest thing that is very hard for me to comprehend through everything is that death is forever.. its an eternity. Pain can just be temporary, and ti's hard to comprehend that he didn't have that rational part in him at that moment at all.. was it a vast decision and couldn't turn back?that he felt the only way to elevate this pain right now was to not be here.. on this earth. like it really I think im' still in denial because I keep rereading all the notes he wrote me etc thinking he will walk in the door. I don't really know how to cope.
    because that's the thing you cant undue this. You have left earth, for etnerity. My lifetime , our lifetime together, the story cannot finish, it just abruptly ended.
    Its hard to phatom a life you planned with someone, even things you had planned that are little that can never happen. Memories are memories, but all the things we had planned we cannot physically ever do together. it literally breaks my heart because I feel like there is a giant weight just crushing it. Recently now I've just been thinking how Jeff thought he would rather be extinct how that is a better decision... like I can't stop thinking about death and how its so finale that's it. I'm so sad , and I think I still think if I hold on just enough he'll come back... It's almost beena month and I still need to go 20,30,40 more years without this person... i can't comprehend but i also think i don't want to...

    I also don't have too many friends, more acquaintances so besides my mom and his family and friends (who again not super close with but close because of jeff) i don't really have anyone so its also another aspect of just feel alone.. I sptn everyday with jeff and now there's 0.
     
    Chris M 2000 and MICHAEL2023 like this.
  2. MICHAEL2023

    MICHAEL2023 Well-Known Member

    Hi chatty709. my broken heart reaches out to your broken heart - for strength, patience, and healing. All of us here at GIC understand the constant 'what if's', coulda, shoulda, wouldas, and 'if onlys'. I think that has been one of he hardest things about my grief experience (my Edward passed away 19 months ago). I do have some days now that are ok for the most part, but then a rabbit hole of emotion will open up and bring back that whole dynamic of me simply not being enough to prevent him from dying. I'm sorry that Jeff didn't have any other tools to turn to; I understand as I've had depression and suicidal tendencies since I was 6 years old. Now I have to take a lot of meds so those rabbit holes don't open up.

    May you courage during this awful time of loss. I wish you peace and small comforts.
    ~ Michael
     
    Chris M 2000 likes this.
  3. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for the unexpected loss of your boyfriend and the loss of all of your dreams with him.
    It is not unusual to still be looking for our loved one to walk in again. I remember it happening to me several times. I think God has designed us to gradually be able to accept the loss. If the truth of it happened all at once it would be unbearable and would probably destroy us. As it is, it still feels unbearable, but we can bear it and walk this grief walk with the help of God. Jesus is there with you to help you bear this awful, heavy burden. He is the great burden-bearer. He knows. He had the burden of the world's sins on his shoulders when he was suffering on the cross. He loves us. His sacrifice at the cross proves that. You can turn to him and ask for His help, because He understands.
    You mentioned maybe the injury might have been somewhat of a tipping point. I agree. I have a friend whose son was in a motorcycle accident and some time after that he committed suicide. I think maybe anyone who commits suicide has decided they just can't take the pain any more, whether it be physical or emotional. They see no way out and have lost all hope. They see no other way out. At that moment in time, nothing else matters except escape. Don't be too hard on yourself (even though we all are). Life has just become unbearable at that moment and they are looking for a way out.
    Try to forgive him and yourself, so you can find some peace again. I know you feel like you don't want to go on. I felt that way also. I kept wondering why I was still here when shawn was gone. If he was gone it made no sense for me to still be here. I contemplated suicide but realized God would not accept that thinking because I was not mentally ill like my son was. So when the thought came up, i rejected it and kept waiting for God to help me. I knew no one else could. And He did. I didn't think I could go on even one day, but by the grace and strength of God I have gone on for 24 years now, so I know you can too. Hang onto hope.
    Stay with us here. We understand and care.
    Chris