Help me. Please.

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by ooolalalivia, Jun 29, 2022.

  1. ooolalalivia

    ooolalalivia New Member

    I lost my daddy April 9th. He called me less than 4 hours before he died. It was our understanding he had a blockage and would have surgery. Then less than 4 hours later, when I was on my way to the hospital at which we expected him to have surgery, I got the call. He was 69. He looked like the picture of health - thin, athletic build, avid golfer. I’m obsessed. I cannot get over it. I still feel sick in my stomach. I cry nonstop. Why can’t I “just get over it”? I am 46, and I have a family, a career, a life. Why can’t I feel better?
    Chris M 2000 likes this.
  2. Beeleaf

    Beeleaf Member

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please don't add to your suffering by expecting yourself to feel a certain way. Losing a parent is hard, and losing anyone suddenly is so very very painful. We all experience these things in our own way. Please give yourself permission to feel everything you are feeling. The fact that you're the age you are, have a life, and everything, has nothing to do with the fact that you have lost someone so dear to you. And the loss was sudden, which is a devastating thing that knocks you off course.

    I highly recommend the book Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba. However, read it if and when you are ready. One thing I liked was that is a very short, gentle read. But you have just experienced a loss so earth shattering and tragic. (April just happened, it's OK to grieve. There is no "normal" timeline for this.)

    I'm 47 and have lost two younger brothers. None of this is normal, and that's OK too. Don't listen to anyone who tells you you should be "over it". Those words come from people who don't understand because they haven't been there yet. They will understand one day.

    Please be gentle with yourself. It is OK to not be OK.

    You may message me if you would like. Do not feel obligated in any way.

    Wishing you peace.
    Chris M 2000 likes this.
  3. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    Do not judge yourself for not "just getting over it." You have suffered a terrible and shocking loss. They say time heals, but it doesn't really because the pain will continue to come in waves, perhaps less frequently. Share your grief with people who understand. Having a career etc does not lessen the pain of what you have lost. It's ok to cry and grieve.
  4. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for your loss.
    There is actually a book nmed, "It's okay to Not Be Okay". A friend told me it helped her. You might want to read it sometime.
  5. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    You had a very deep attachment to your Daddy. It is going to take time to adjust to the idea that you can no longer see him. Be patient with yourself. Don't expect things of yourself or let anyone else expect things. This is a walk of grief. We don't ever " get over" a loving relationship. It's okay to mourn for him-in fact, you should mourn for someone you loved so much. If we didn't grieve I think it would mean that they weren't important and their presence didn't mean anything.
    Allow yourself space to be who you are and don't pay attention to anyone who tells you how you should be. They just don't understand.