Hello....new member here

I'm new to the site but not new to loss.
I'm currently going through 2 death anniversary events....the passing of my Mom in 2001 and the sudden passing of my husband in 2004.
Same month so I feel a bit sandwiched. This year is more intense. I have no idea why.
I'm looking forward to participating in the Forum.
Very glad I found this site

 

Hello, HUGS and sorry for your losses. Welcome to the site no one wants to join but glad we have it as a place to vent and share with people who understand

 

Thanks for the Welcome.
What amazes me is the intensity, even now.
Having 2 anniversaries so close in 1 month certainly doesn't help. I'll be ok. I keep telling myself that....

 

Welcome, "Freebird" from upstate NY.
So sorry about your dual sad anniversaries.My wife, Linda, died
suddenly in front of me, 4 years ago,
after 25 years of marriage. She was 68.
It's helped me to say her name on
Grief in Common. ( GIC). May I ask
your name & that of your husband?
My name is Lou. I live on the northern
coast of Massachusetts.

 

Thanks.
I am widowed since 2004. Motherless since 2001.
I am Jackie. Age 64 but lately feeling much older.
My husband was Smitty. Mom was...well...Mom.
I live in upstate NY near the eastern end of Lake Ontario. Snow country.
I appreciate the welcome.

 

I was trying to Edit my previous Reply. It didn't work on my cell, so i had to do a fresh Reply in same thread.
I wanted to add that I am sorry for your loss.

 

Thank you so much, Jackie , for saying
your name and Smitty's. Did you have children? Linda & I met & married in
our mid forties, and didn't. We acted like
kids, and traveled to fun places like
Disneyland. How long were you & Smitty
married?At 73, I watch my health and
walk outside in nature. Hope you don't
get too much snow, so you can walk
outside, too. Lou

 

Thank you, Jackie. Most mornings, I still
cry a little over Linda's death, but I don't
weep like I did. A grief counselor helped me through the first year. Lou

 

No kids. We met in senior year of college in 1979. He was 4.5 years older, using GI Bill tuition benefits. We were together until Oct 2004. Married 20 years.
I was 46 when he passed from heart attack. He was 50.5 with no previous symptoms. Argh....
I've done counseling 3x over the past 18 years. There were some outside factors which complicated things, mostly his family related. That will never be resolved. I chose to distance myself from it, way back when.
I haven't been able to cry lately. I just have this heavy melancholy near anniversary dates. I am seeing a counselor via ZOOM currently so I am getting periodic support.

 

Sudden, unexpected death is such a
shock to the survivor. Linda was in a
rehab unit of a nursing home, battling
breast cancer. One day, she collapsed in
front of me, from a pulmonary embolism,
and died soon after. I had PTSD, bc I
couldn't get that last image of Linda out of
my mind. I'm much better now, bc I make
a conscious effort not to dwell on Linda's
end, but the many good times we had
together. For a year after she died, I
couldn't listen to any song without sobbing.
I also drank more, which led to more
depression. My grief counselor suggested
I stop & I did. I'm glad you ZOOM with a
counselor, and that you've joined GIC.
We have read books like Permission to
Mourn, by Tom Zuba, and The Widower's
Notebook, a memoir, by Jonathan
Santlofer , which you might find helpful.
Lou

 

Thanks for the book recommendations. I'll see if there are kindle versions available.
Sudden death....yes I understand. There were actually 6 hours between Smitty's first chest pain and actual passing. What appeared to be a mild heart attack was mild attack was much worse, all undetectable. I also had to make the Decision about life support.
All in all a complete horror. His family members were not a good source of support. Back then or in current times. I had to distance myself from them for my own good, upon the strong recommendations of both my counselor and physician. I'm glad I listened to both.
It's been 18 years...but on the death anniversary date..it seems like yesterday. Flashbacks still happen.
I also no longer drink. It worsened my moods
Thank you for communicating with me. It's tough to join a new site and feel included. I'm glad I did.

 

Jackie, my wife died right before Thanksgiving, 2018. My grief counselor
suggested the 2 books , and I recommended them to our kind and
nonjudgemental group. I came up with a
term for us: The Grief Warriors ( TGW), bc
we leave no one on the battlefield of grief.
I never had a brother, but I have 3 close
ones here: Gary, from Indiana, George
from Illinois, and Chad, from Texas. I was
welcomed when I joined over a year ago,
by Patti, from S.C. and Karen , from Ca.
Since then, I've become especially close
with Deb, also from S.C., Robin, from Long
Island , NY, and a growing list of other
widows. Some have left the site, but this
group hashung on, and I hope you will,
too. I'm sure you'll be greeted by these
people, too. Lou

 

Thanks again.
My fingers can't do too much typing at any given time, but I will always respond with shorter messages. I spent way too much time on computer keyboard while working and have tendinitis in both hands. The change of weather is not helping. So I have to limit my finger typing until it settles out.

 

Sorry to hear about the pain in your
fingers, Jackie. You can always just add
"LIKE"to a post to show you're still on
GIC. Hope others welcome you soon. Lou

 

Hi, Free and Van. HUGS to you both. Free I am with you on the typing. I have developed arthritis in my thumbs and it does complicate things. Have you ever tried a voice program? I had a cousin who was legally blind and used one all the time - even for emails.
I will be thinking about you and your loses

 

Thanks for your reply. "Free" is Jackie.
My user name was Van Gogh, but my
name is Lou. May I ask your name & that
of your soulmate? My wife of 25 years,
was Linda. Lou

 

When I first developed problems with carpal tunnel syndrome back in 1994, I was lucky enough to be able to use the MacIntosh version of Dragon Naturally Speaking. It was rudimentary at the time but it was a godsend. I find that limiting my time on any keyboard keeps the tendinitis at bay. Fall is a time of constantly changing weather here in the Northeast. Once it settles into Winter, the tendinitis will lessen.
Thanks for the HUG. Sending one right back to ya

 

Sounds good. If my hands feel ok, I will type short answers.

 

When I was in PT after surgeries for carpal tunnel syndrome etc, the therapist told me that a simple way to make my hands feel better was to dampen a washcloth, microwave it until just warm, and place my hand, wrapped in the warm washcloth inside a loose fitting plastic bag (ziploc quart was perfect size for my hand). Partially close the bag opening to contain the heat and moisture. The warmth and moisture were wonderful. Be careful not to heat up the washcloth too hot. Or just dampen it with warmer water from the faucet and skip the microwave. Hope that helps

 

Hi freebird, I haven't greeted you yet, so I would like to do that now. I am so sorry you lost your husband at such a young age, so suddenly, and that this period is so sad for you with the two death anniversaries to get through. I also lost my husband suddenly almost two years ago (November, same month as many others here, on this site), unexpectedly, from a heart attack, in a matter of minutes he was gone,and we all thought it was indigestion. He was only 57,fit and healthy, we'd just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary a few months earlier. I'm still in shock and denial. Just like Lou said, I have that image of him just lying there, constantly in my mind, it still seems like a bad dream, still have trouble talking about it.
I have also been suffering from carpal tunnel /hand arthritis for many years now. Whether it's a coincidence or not, the pain has miraculously almost disappeared (without surgery or meds) since I started learning to play the piano (with my husband, C) five years ago. The "crooked bones" are still noticeable of course, my grip is still a bit dodgy, but I thought perhaps the fact that I have to stretch out my fingers a lot (especially the thumbs!) when hitting the notes, has been healing exercise. That cloth warming method sounds a good idea, I wish I'd tried that when I was going through periods of constant agony.
By the way, I live in Italy, a 'little' further away than everyone else on this site.

You did the right thing joining this group, I have found wonderful people here making me feel at home. Sharing with others who have had the same experience helps me cope with this sudden change of life I'm having to face, with half of me gone, my better half.