Grief shaming at my workplace

I am reeling from a tragic sudden loss of my soulmate/best friend that I found out about not even 4 months ago. Luckily I had some time off as I was shaking, wailing, and not able to function those first days and weeks. After that I had vacation planned already. Since then I have had more vacation, time of in isolation and some national holidays off from work. All in all about 5 weeks not having had to work, it's only a part time job and I don't work intensely with others. My grief however is intense, the death was very horrific, the circumstances leading up to it.. I could not stop for one second to think it all over, to not be broken and ravaged with a smashed heart and soul. So yes, even with the face mask, you could see I wasn't myself.
There was no condoleances and no understanding, even with all the time I was away, in that moment they passed me and asked how I was and I answered something, they judged me. And I got briefed about judgements flooding my way about being too down. I am actively avoided by one colleague who just likes his entertainment time at work. Another who I barely see thinks I'm too negative. Mind you, I barely spoke of my loss, there was no space or even any interest. Yet if I honestly answered the dreaded 'how are you' a few times, it was too much apparently.
My boss said it is work and I am too negative and they are sick of me. That I wasn't together with my deceased loved one as a couple when he died so they don't understand why it affects me, that it's only sad for his kids.

Just absolutely dismissive on all fronts. Near abusive. Luckily two people have been supportive but this callous behaviour is really hurtful. I've already experienced so little support from friends and them abandoning me in my grief. I know I'm not just negative because I can interact with customers from my heart despite my pain. But it's like those colleagues can not stand anything from me, and they said 'we want the happy you back'.

Has anyone been through this blatant grief shaming, where you are not granted your feelings, where your bond with your person is dimissed and viewed from a 'people are replaceable' (tinder like) lens?

It really is a shame for them to be so lacking in empathy. I know they don't deal with their own feelings well. I am trying to let it go, but it's more pain to deal with and those types of reactions are far from helpful. They will definitely not help me to feel somewhat more relieved and be able to cope better at work.

 

Wolfdream I’m sorry for the loss of your soulmate. My name is Gary. I lost my girlfriend 8 months ago suddenly and unexpectedly. The rest of the world doesn’t have a clue what it is like to lose someone we dearly love. I have found about 2 out of 10 family members and friends understand what we are going through. Your work place sounds toxic. Evaluate your finances and if possible start looking for a new job. I’m glad you found this site. I’m active on Lose of Spouse. Have you checked that category on GIC yet? You will get more feedback there. Everyone is very supportive and talks about their personal struggles. I have to keep myself surrounded by people who support me. Are there any in person grief support meetings locally? Also check out the site centerforloss.com. They have free resources available. One is an article 6 Needs of Reconciliation for the Mourner. Read this ASAP. It will jumpstart your grief journey. Stay connected to GIC. Gary

 

Hi Gary. I'm sorry you have to be here and that you have to live through this loss and grief of your girlfriend. I'm grateful that your kindness is still strong and you reached out to me here to support me in my troubles.

 

I am sorry for your loss and for the hurtful behavior of others. My co-worker said that when people say hurtful things she is glad that they don't understand. In order to understand they would have to go through the pain you are going through, and she does not want that. But it is so true that other people who have not suffered a deep loss just cannot understand. It is not necessarily that they don't want to-but they just can't.
Find support wherever you can, such as here. There is also a chat room if you need to talk to someone in real time.
We are here for you.
Chris

 

When people passed by my door at work and asked, "How are you?", I always wondered if they really wanted to know or if it was just something to n say in passing. They continued walking on, so I suppose they didn't really want a true answer. If they had, I think they would have stopped and stepped inside the door to listen. People seem almost afraid to talk to someone who has had a loss. I think they just don't know what to say to us.

 

Stopping people grieving a passed loved one is a toxic culture I think, sometimes when we grieve enough we will be better, even this grief will be with us for the rest of our life.

 

trying to stop someone's grieving is, in my opinion, very detrimental to the person. Of course they are going to grieve. They lost someone they loved.
Don't try to make it better because you can't. Let the person grieve in their own way.

 

I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my husband 8 months ago in a car accident, his vehicle was hit by someone with no experience driving in the snow. At the time I had such great coworkers who cared about me and my well being. Unfortunately they have left and now I have new people who didn’t know my husband and don’t really know me. They are a younger generation so they probably haven't had to experience any true loss and I don’t think they know how to handle being around me other than to ignore it. I do miss the supportive crew it definitely helped me through the day when someone could just look at you and know you needed a hug

 

Sorry for your loss. I think you are so correct that if a person has not had to go through something like this, they just can't understand and they do feel awkward around us. They don't know what to say, so they don't mention our situation at all. Everyone around us is living the "normal" life we used to live. We are living in a different world now, than we were before the loss. Nothing is going to be the same for us as it was.
I found the only one who could really help me was Jesus, and He did. I just kept looking to Him and knowing that He was the one who would get me through this. He loves us and He loves the one we lost more than we ever could or could ever imagine.
Chris

 

I understand you, you lose a loved one which is a best friend or whole life for you, but others always cannot understand your feeling. Also a part of your life just vanished. That’s why we would have empty feelings, the things we usually do it together with our loved ones, it becomes something we do it all alone. So don’t feel shame to feel that grief.