Grief of spouse missing happy events

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Daisy171, May 1, 2023.

  1. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    My beloved husband and I have one son, who got into a college that he really wanted to go to. He just accepted the offer and was very happy that he will be going there. I was also happy for a moment and then a tidal wave of grief almost knocked me over when I thought about how my husband, his dad, wasn't there to enjoy this moment. I didn't want to ruin the moment for our son, so I held back my tears, but started sobbing when I was walking the dog. I am also overwhelmed by the knowledge that our son won't be living at home in the Fall since the school requires Freshmen to live on campus (Fortunately, the school isn't very far away, like a for a friend of his who will attend a school that is a 5 hour airplane ride away). But, still, I will be alone (except for the dog) which I haven't been in my whole life really. Then there is graduation and so many other events, occasions, holidays that will come and my husband won't be there. How can I bear this? Any advice on how to get through "happy" events without breaking down? I even wish I could enjoy something someday.
    Van Gogh and Rose69 like this.
  2. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Daisy, we are sharing something in common at the moment. Last Wednesday, my daughter graduated from university and the following day, I hosted a family lunch for grandparents, there were only seven of us in all, but it was a very big deal for me. It was the first time I'd done this in two years and five months, since my beloved husband was drastically, prematurely taken away from us. I was terrified that I would break down, especially at the ceremony, but luckily I just got teary-eyed at the beginning. The lunch went fine, I thought I'd mess everything up, like forgetting to add salt, or mixing wrong ingredients, but it surprisingly went well, I was even highly complimented for the food.

    You've just said that you managed to hold back the tears in front of your son, and then have a good sob while walking the dog. That's what I did Daisy, (apart from the dog walk, unfortunately we don't have one at the moment), I was able to block my tears in front of my daughter and everyone else and then had a good cry and scream when I was alone.
    Don't worry Daisy, I think we have a defence mechanism in our brains that helps us get through these special days, an inner strength that we don't realize we have, suddenly comes to the surface and miraculously helps us survive.
    I am happy for your son and I'm particularly glad for you that he won't be too far away from home.
    A hug to you.
    Van Gogh and Sweetcole like this.
  3. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    I am so happy and impressed that you managed your daughter's graduation so well. I hope that I can do the same for my son's high school graduation. Sadly I don't have a big family. My husband was alienated from his family, who were really terrible, so of course they are not part of our son's life. My family is better, but very small. I am hoping my sister, who lives in another state will be able to come to the graduation. Sitting there alone would be so much harder. It's just so hard when you are missing you beloved husband so much.
    Van Gogh and Rose69 like this.