Gone 2 soon 4 mommy! Nights are the worst..trying to survive the emotional rollercoaster of grief!

My sweet baby Eliza, I miss u so much! I think of u everyday & still can't believe that ur life on earth was only for 7 short days. I am so. Blessed that God chose me to be ur mommy & I'm extremely grateful for the week I did have with u, my perfect, beautiful baby girl. I still wish we would have had more time together; one more week, another day, just a few more minutes, just one more moment together before u had to go be with Jesus in Heaven, ur forever home! Although, I know no amount of extra time together would make losing u any easier for me nor do I think I would ever be prepared to let u go! I would give anything to hold u, kiss u, nurse u, rock u, change u, cuddle u, touch ur head full of hair or ur sweet face, and just look at u; our perfect little girl for just a little longer! I know Daddy, ur brothers & ur sisters all miss u & wish they could have had more time with u here on earth too! We all absolutely adored u & were so excited that u were the newest addition to our large family! And, of course, we ALL love u with all of our hearts & losing u was the worst day of all of our lives!

The overwhelming grief & range of emotions I have experienced, after losing my sweet baby girl, are always present with me everyday & can sometimes be emotionally draining & awful to deal with; however, I find it seems to be exceptionally debilitating & extra suck at night! Somedays I find myself counting the hours and minutes til the sunsets & i am surrounded by the deafening quietness that comes with the darkness yet again...and, all i can do is think & think about her & replay the awful day over & over in my head! I know somehow my husband & I will get through this
We have to because we still have 5 kids at home & 5 kids that are grown & gone. All I know is this is the most traumatic, hardest, abnormal, awful & most challenging experience that we have ever encountered in our lives & we have no clue how to"do" this new life. Some days I cant manage to get out of my bed, shower, cook, go anywhere, or honestly do anything other than be frozen & stuck in my head full of confusion, sadness, sorrow, & questions. I hope & pray that someday, somehow this gets a little easier for us. And, although I may never get to a point that I will understand nor accept "why" my baby was taken so soon, I sincerely hope we (as a family) are able grieve, talk, heal, move forward, & find happiness along our new journey & locate our inner peace again.

 

There are no answers. There is sorrow and pain that will never really go away. I lost my son 7 months ago. He was only 19. He is in my every thought. Time moves on. Life goes on. We go on with it...

 

I wanted to reach out to you since I can relate to your loss. I just lost my Hope on the 11th of August at 27 weeks. It’s so so hard to try and process everything that led up to her sudden and traumatic birth and death just shy of 12 hours later. There’s so many questions and I don’t know how many times I’ve asked all the what if’s and looped what all I can remember together and replay that day over and over. I’m still finding out details I wasn’t aware of. What I find to be the most difficult to accept is the precious angel that I so Hoped and prayed for for years (before I was too old to have kids, I had kind of just accepted that maybe I couldn’t have any more which was hard too in itself) was inside my belly active and as far as I knew healthy. I had been in the hospital 2 days prior and was released and had even had the hour long ultrasound done at the hospital where they checked everything from fluids to organ to bone length and they discharged me. And then came back two days later and within a few hours was watching the ultrasound picture which was right in front of me and I watched as my baby just started to, die....it was like she curled up and I watched her heart sputter out and my surgeon said I have to get her out now and before I could say ok I was getting a qtip up the nostrils for the COVID test, and into the hallway where all these ppl just came from no where and into an emergency csection. I’ve never been so scared and confused and lost and alone. All I had for support even throughout the pregnancy was my 13 yr old who had just embraced the idea of a sibling and I had to leave him (born my daughter, so now there’s that struggle for me. Universe really piled it on...) In the waiting room cuz of COVID and he didn’t even get to see Hope before they had to life flight her to a more equipped hospital. I never got to hold her or smell her or kiss her or feel her warmth she never got to feel my warmth and love and I only saw her through a picture my surgeon took for me. I got to sit with her for about 15 mins while they waited for the helicopter to be ready and she was in an incubator and I got to touch her foot for awhile. I was afraid to touch her and hurt her and it was the hardest to process and be present since I was so groggy. I decided in that time to that I would name her Hope....I had read a quote on time that said I never give up all Hope and so Hope it was. I Hoped I would see her again and the next time would be when I would hold her and bring her home. That of course was just my wishful thinking, my just praying that everything was going to be alright. I’ve been told I live in a fantasy world. And I guess I do sometimes, I just see the good and want happiness for ppl and I have a big loving heart and since that’s not what we see too much of these days, I’d rather have my fairytale glasses on to distort the harshness of reality. At the time of Hopes birth and death and until four or five days out of the hospital they couldn’t tell me why she had died when she was ok and active and fine as far as I knew a few days earlier....I know I repeated myself just then. My brain is so all over the place and my emotions and feelings as well. And the depths of despair that accompany grief and acceptance of loss are ginormously deep, terrifying as well. I guess the days have gotten a tiny bit easier. Nights are awful and sleep is scary....I know Hope is always with me, I wish she was in my arms though....At least once. I’m also not afraid to reach out and my story needs to be told and some practices I Hope will be changed for the better from my experience. I have to believe that her life was presented to me even if for that brief whisper of time to change my life for the better. To build and repair my relationships with my kids and family and friends whom have been here for me when they can. Although it’s never when a person is the most in need that that help appears. At least I’m my case, so I need to change my story. And I know that Hopes passing was to severe the ties I have to the most nasty cruel evil uncaring soul I’ve ever met (I grew up traveling the world so I’ve met a lot of ppl from all walks and races and creeds). I hate that my heart still aches for him to just be here for me now when I need as I had been there for him the many times he was in need of a listening ear or open home and loving space. He ultimately gave me Hopes life and death and to deal with that alone without support from adults like I needed (I don’t want to put my stuff on my teenager who is also dealing and processing and grieving) and being continuously kicked while I’m so so so utterly sad and confused is just the worst. Ppl saying I should kill it and saying I am a horrid parent and just being cruel and hurtful and not even trying to understand what I am feeling. I am so tired of the criticism from ppl even strangers in stores will voice their opinion or make some comment. Which initially makes me upset but by the end we are chatting away because that’s just me, open honest and friendly and approachable. I wouldn’t do that and I don’t tell anyone my thoughts about how they raise their children. Those children are theirs to raise and it’s not my place to say anything, that’s how I feel anyways. I’m rambling sorry. I just haven’t been able to stop talking or writing or crying. I need to tell my story for more ppl to see or hear or read, and so does my teen. To stay mentally strong and healthy and be there and talk openly and honestly about anything and everything with my kid has bred some challenges with attitude, I wouldn’t want it any other way though because I have also raised an amazing little soul who is kind and caring and so what if they want to push the boundaries, that’s just being human. And to be overparented and have ppl telling my kid that they should be my slave really is just wrong and uncalled for and so not helpful to our recovery. I think that’s where ppl make the hugest mistake, is forgetting that that child is also grieving and needs support and a lot of times those kids get kinda pushed to the side and that causes long term damage....I’m also using my experiences especially this most recent tragedy in Hopes being to show my kid that NO matter what life throws at “you”, get back up dust off and fight for life and for happiness and live. I want ppl to realize how resilient ppl can be, but that takes a healthy mind as well. I always knew I was strong, now I am seeing just how strong of a goddess I truly am. As all women are goddesses, creators....and should be treated as such. Everyone deserves happiness and I Hope one day I will find that, even if it won’t be forever or even a day....thank you for reading and letting me blah blah blah, I appreciate that a whole ton. I’m also so so sorry for your loss! I bet Eliza was just gorgeous and I take comfort in knowing that Hope has all these beautiful angels to play with.

 

Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry for your loss. I am crying reading your love and your family’s love for your daughter. I have lost my parents not by death but having to separate myself because of narcissism and abuse. They just don’t want me or care about me or love me. Reading your love I can start to believe and feel Gods heart for me, that as a daughter I am loved and cared for and cherished and that is the love I deserve. Thank you so much