First-ever expression of my grief

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by KennerIII, Nov 3, 2021.

  1. KennerIII

    KennerIII Member

    Hello, all. My hubby of 40 years died in December before covid lockdown, so it's been a weird (nearly) 2 years.

    The first year was about trying to determine if I could keep the house on my own. The various seasonal indoor/outdoor man-chores he tackled, general maintenance & replacement (furnace, water heater) - everything seemed to go wrong, that first year. I even dealt with a stalker who was aware hubby had died.

    Year 2 was (still is) a shock to my system, as now that I'm reassured I can handle the house at least in the short term, grief has latched-on and burrowed into my subconscious, altering my behaviors and outlook, destroying my patience, tolerance and understanding. Anxiety levels are off the charts as I feel myself losing my grip on reality.

    Daily, I re-live his last months and hours repeatedly in my head, and his image and voice are deeply etched in my memory causing both comfort and pain.

    Thank you, for providing this safe space to express grief.
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m so glad you found this site. Everyone here knows and understands all your feelings and pain. I joined this site almost a year after my husband Ron passed. I was not doing well at all. It took quite a while before anyone answered my post but once they did I realized there’s people here who understand and care. On Nov 17 it will be 3 years since Ron passed. And I’m already feeling the extra emotions and reliving that day. Ron passed suddenly with no warnings at all. He had a massive heart attack that took him from our beautiful life in 2 hours. It’s been a roller coaster of ups and downs. As you mentioned caring for a house on our own can be overwhelming. My septic tank collapsed on Christmas Day last year. There’s been plenty of other things but that made me a wreck and the new tank going in ruined most of my yard. I’m so sorry you also dealt with a stalker, that’s scary. After Ron passed I told my daughter I didn’t feel safe in my home, and she bought me cameras to put by my doors etc. now when my dog barks I can can check my cameras. I have RA and have trouble walking I feel like I look like an easy victim. So I don’t go out by myself after dark. Ron was so caring and took such good care of me. We were married 41 years and together 44.
    I tell people on this site what has worked best for me is getting fresh air each day. Try to get your blood circulating. I understand what you’re feeling. Losing our soul mates is the hardest thing we’ll ever go through. I have a feeling you’re struggling more because you’re coming up on the anniversary of his loss. I’m feeling it too. Visit this site often. Read and share stories. I credit this site and the people here for helping me so much. You’re not alone once you’ve joined Grief in Common. We’re here for you. Robin
  3. KennerIII

    KennerIII Member

    Robin, I so appreciate hearing from you, and about you. I wonder (for me) what it is about the anonymity of an internet forum that makes sharing easier. Thank you for reaching back.
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Kenner, you’re so welcome. For me it’s more about having people who know and understand the pain we’re in. For you anonymity might be what helps you to share. Not a recognized face. Maybe typing rather then speaking. I can tell you there’s no judgement here. Just compassion.
    KennerIII likes this.
  5. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Kenner, your story sounds so much like mine. I lost my husband, Jack, last Nov 4th to cancer--tomorrow will be my 1st anniversary of his death. I also have had major things go wrong with this house, things that have never happened for 12 years we lived here. He was Jack of all trades and could fix anything. Thank goodness on his death bed he asked my brother-in-law and good neighbor to help me and they have been constantly at my side helping fix things.

    But, regarding your comment, grief has latched-on, etc. patience, tolerance and understanding, losing your grip I feel the same. The first 5 months I was angry at Jack for leaving me with financial debt, no passwords on his computer and 1 acre of stuff he kept that must of been 100 years old. So, my grief took a back seat anger was in the lead. Now, I realize he didn't think he was going to die and probably didn't think about preparing me to take over if something happened to him. I since have forgiven him and what's happening now is the "Real" grieving has set in. Like you, it's altering my behavior and outlook, etc. I'm constantly edgy and short with people. I know Jack would be so sad to know how miserable I am. He would want me to get out and start living.

    Half of me went with him and the other half is walking around wondering what I'm supposed to do with myself.

    I'm glad you can stay in your home for now, that's a sense of security. A stalker how scary that must of been, I hope they caught him.

    This forum is a place to vent, it helps to know we 'all' are suffering and trying to plow through this horrible journey. My name is Karen
    KennerIII likes this.
  6. KennerIII

    KennerIII Member

  7. KennerIII

    KennerIII Member

    Hi Karen. Our situations do sound so similar in many aspects. Hugs to you, on this anniversary. I found the week leading up to mine to be harder than the actual day itself. Thank you so much for reaching-out. I'll be thinking of you today.
  8. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    So true, the week heading up is harder. I found the last three days, before today, were full of memories of the last two weeks he was home with hospice. I didn't realize until last night how my attitude was affecting me. Very negative in all respects. So, today is just another day that will pass.

    I'm sending you a hug back to you, K
    KennerIII likes this.
  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    We do go down that road of all the things that happened on the anniversary date and leading up to it. It does make us feel angry, anxious, negative whatever word works, it’s there as we lead up to the date. It brings all the sadness back. We’re here for you if you need to talk. ❤️ Sending hugs!

  10. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Robin, that is so sweet of you to send the candle of hope. I think I will just light one up for Jack today. You may read in my prior post, I think it was responding to Deb's comment. I just got on a roll about my Jack's last days. I was overly sensitive.

    Cuddle that little Teddy over and over again, look into his eyes, he sends you his love. Did you mention to everyone how old Teddy is? Maybe I missed it.

    And, I'm sending you Big hugs and God's blessings, Karen
  11. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Karen you’re welcome. I thought what helps me and I find candles calming. I hoped it might help you. I think it’s a great idea to light a candle for Jack. Each anniversary I release a Chinese lantern in Rons memory. Something about watching it slowly rise up and slowly go out of sight helps me let go of everything filling my head. Like the flicker of a candle.
    Teddy is 11, the vet reassured me that in a dachshund that’s still considered pretty young. He goes in today to get his stitches removed. I’m proud of him on how he’s gif the most part let the stitches alone. But I’ve stayed with him as much as I can to keep him from scratching or itching the area. I’m confident today’s visit will go well. Thank you for the hugs and gods blessing. I try to remind myself how lucky I am to have found Ron and to have had that many wonderful years. And I know you had that too. ❤️
  12. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    Hi Kenner,

    I'm fairly new here and only lost my husband a few weeks ago (mid September). But I am very sympathetic to your pain. I'm sorry for your loss and everything that goes with it (the physical and life challenges, and the mental and emotional toll it has taken).
    Please know that people here care and we are all just taking it one day and one challenge at a time.

    I hope just reading about the pain and challenges that everyone here is facing, will bring you comfort and assurance that everything that you are feeling and experiencing is normal. That has been the case for me.
    Some days I can't come and read and interact. But when I can and do, it always helps me and brings me comfort.

    Hoping today was already a better day for you and that you are making some positive connections here. Deb and Karen who have already responded to you, are wonderful.

    Wishing you a peaceful night and a better tomorrow. Stacey
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  13. KennerIII

    KennerIII Member

    Hugs to you Stacey, for your lovely & kind words of understanding and encouragement. But most importantly for your own devastating, recent loss. I remember the weeks immediately afterwards spent on the necessary technical, unavoidable details that made it seem I was rendering his entire existence irrelevant. It's important to reach-out, especially during rough patches that arise without warning.
    Marcey likes this.