*DAYTIME AND EVENING GENERAL GRIEF GROUPS AVAILABLE EVERY WEEK* CLICK HERE TO JOIN US!

Finding it hard to move ahead

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Tuesday's Child, Dec 31, 2016.

  1. Tuesday's Child

    Tuesday's Child New Member

    Lost husband almost 4 years ago after 53 years of marriage. Just can't seem to want to do anything. His birthday was Christmas day and our anniversary was December 27. Very hard time of year
     
  2. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear Tuesday:
    I am very sorry for your loss. Certainly 53 years together is a very long time and quite an achievement. I'm sure you were soulmates. I myself have endured much loss in my life and December is a very tough month for me as well.
    I lost my Mom last May to COPD and Congestive Heart Failure. She was 83 years old and was really my best friend. My birthday is December 18th and hers was December 14th. We were always together. My Dad died nearly 12 years ago from mesothelioma and it seems like yesterday. On XMAS Eve of 2014 I found out my husband of 19 years was having an affair for 10 years. We had been together a total of 25 years. Our divorce became final this past June. So at the age of 63, I find myself in a new home, which I really love, and a wonderful pet who I am grateful for, yet I am very much alone. I never thought it would be like this.

    I really have no family left anymore and basically it's me and Kennedy. She's the big furry white cat in the pic. I rescued her in August of 2015 after having to put my 19 year old cat to sleep. We had been together her entire life. And finally, 15 years ago I buried my daughter, standing side by side with her wonderful adoptive parents. I had her when I was 22 years old and was not really prepared to be a Mom. It was an open adoption and when she was 12 years old, we met and remained in each other's lives until she died. When she was 16, she was diagnosed with leukemia and needed a kidney transplant. I was a match, so I gave her one of mine. She survived another 10 years. Although I felt my heart break that day, and it was the first of many losses I would have to deal with, I felt blessed to have had her in my life. She always would tell me how special she was to have 3 wonderful parents.

    Although I was not as fortunate as you to have had a partner for so many wonderful years, I am well acquainted with heartbreak and I do know how you feel. Everyone experiences their grief differently and deals with it in their own individual way. Yes, it's very hard and lonely and there are some things you never really fully heal from. However the way I see it, we have two choices. We can lay down and die with them or we can struggle to move on and live our life in a way that would make them proud and I'm sure that's what they would want.

    I have joined several support groups and that has helped. I also volunteer 3 days a week in an assisted living place and the other 2 days in an animal shelter. I suppose because I miss my Mom and I also miss my beloved pet. For whatever reason, it helps others and it makes me feel better. I try to stay as busy as I can, however there are days when it's hard to get out of bed and I'm sure you also feel that way. You just have to take one day at a time.

    I'm assuming you're probably 10 years older than I am. I don't know if you live in a community where there are other seniors or not. My Mom lived in an Active Adult Community when they retired and after my Dad died, she took about 2 years to heal and then she started to get involved with different activities. I know it was hard for her, but she was a trooper. She joined a women's group, played golf and even went on trips with other widowed seniors. It wasn't the same as when my Dad was here, but she gave her best shot at living again.

    You know, as I mentioned...I hate the holiday season From Thanksgiving past Valentine's Day. However, waking up today on January 1, 2017 and looking at the sun rise, I said to myself...."Damn, you survived another December!" Life is not really as I had planned or hoped it would be, but it's also a gift and I decided that I'm not going to waste it and I'm going to do my best to find a small slice of happiness.

    I think your husband would want the same for you.

    Wishing you peace, strength and love for 2017.

    Take good care~ Ellen
     
    Malia Daguio likes this.
  3. Tuesday's Child

    Tuesday's Child New Member

    Hi Ellen - Thank you for replying to my post. You have had a lot of loss in your life, as have I. When my huband died, he was the third family member within three weeks.

    Then in October of 2015, my only sibling died. He was 90. His daughter, who was 64 had moved in with them to take care of them. 4 months later his daughter died. She was 64. 2 months later my sister-in-law died. He and his wife had already lost 2 daughters, two grandchildren and one great grandchild.

    I think one reason I have had such a hard time is that I went directly from living with my parents to living with the most wonderful, caring and loving husband that I could have ever hoped for.

    I do have a son in SC and a daughter who lives with me. I am so thankful for her and our dog, PJ.

    However, I deal with depression every day. Have a hard time getting out of bed, and a hard time making myself do anything or go anywhere. I do volunteer at the hospital two afternoons but have to force myself to go. It just seems like I have no interest in anything since losing Wayne.

    Am going to try to do better this year.
     
  4. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear Tuesday- (Sorry, I don't know your name, though Tuesday is nice!),
    Yes, you have had quite a bit to contend with, all in a very short period of time. I am very sorry for all your losses. And now that you've shared a bit more, I do understand why you're having such a hard time. You spent your entire adult life living with Wayne and from how you describe your marriage, both of you were truly blessed. However after he died, it was an entirely different world for you and when you're a bit older, it's much harder to adjust. I can understand that. I think the main reason I am so resilient is because I have been on my own since I was 16 years old. I put myself through college, working 3 jobs and living on my own. I was briefly married when I was 21 and divorced within 9 months. He was physically abusive....once- but that was all it took for me to leave. I then remained single from 22-36 and when I was 44, I married my 2nd. husband. I wasn't as fortunate as you, in that I was never really happy and even when I was married, I spent most of my time alone. So I became very independent and developed fine tuned skills in how to navigate life by myself. Although it was hard to lose people I loved and cherished, I had already survived quite a bit on my own, so I just found a way to deal.

    Even though I've had a lot more alone time than you have, I find myself feeling unsettled and very anxious at times because let's face it...I'm 63 years old, by myself with really no one and the chances of meeting Mr. Right are slim to none. And honestly, I'm really not interested. In my mind I know I can deal with whatever comes along, however my heart is very lonely more often than I'd like. I would imagine that most days you feel totally lost.

    It is good that you have your daughter living with you and also a pet. It's amazing how animals can make a difference. I'm going to say something and I hope you don't take offense. I believe that when we die, there are only 2 things we take with us. The love we gave and the love we received. And certainly you have had an abundance of that with Wayne. I would imagine that you have chapters and chapters of wonderful memories and hopefully a lot of pictures to remind you of your time together. It is those things that will help carry you through. My one regret in my life is not that I've never truly been loved or cherished and I'm afraid that I'll leave this earth one day, never knowing that feeling. That is something you have had and you need to hold onto it. Wayne may not be here physically for you, but he will always be in your heart. Remember all the wonderful times and just take one day at a time. Be easy and kind with yourself and appreciate the small pleasures that hopefully each day will bring.

    Anytime you want to chat or just vent...I'm here.

    Wishing you the best.....Ellen
     
  5. Karen Perry

    Karen Perry Member

    Hi Tuesday's Child my heart goes out to you. After the loss of my 3 children and their father (my whole family) I found a grief counselor who was amazing and got me through some of the darkest hours of my life. Her name is Ashley Davis-Bush. Go to You Tube to watch her free videos about grief. She lives in New Hampshire but does Skype appointments. I can't say enough good things about her!

    Your journey is unique and amazing and I am sending you positive thoughts and love.
     
  6. Janice

    Janice New Member

    Hello everyone: I am relatively new to this site. I also lost my husband of 47 years. We met when I was 18 and he died 21 months ago. Like you, Tuesday's Child, I too find it hard to move on. I get anxiety daily which can morph into depression. I keep doing things, but just don't feel content ever and always feel doom and gloom and such sorrow. I thought that this far down the road, things might be a little easier. It's actually harder. Seems like I was numb for at least 18 months. Anyway, I can empathize with you...too bad we're not neighbors! Where do things go from here.......Janice