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Feeling Lost

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by teri1953, May 17, 2021.

  1. teri1953

    teri1953 New Member

    My husband Mike passed away on November 9, 2020. He had been struggling with COPD for many years and it seems like it started progressing rapidly in the last year of his life. We had no children and we spent over 25 years of our lives together in our own little wilderness We had been avid backpackers and chose to live remotely in a very rural part of WV. We loved our property and all the peace and tranquility it provided. Mike wanted to live there until he died and he did.
    We were planning on going to spend winter with Mike's brother & family and leaving the day after he passed away. His brother & our nephews arrived a couple days early so they could help us pack and take care of the driving. They were there to help me with all the arrangements and brought me back to be with the family. Being so isolated, it was the only logical thing to do but it is just so much change all at once. I am now not only missing my husband but also the life we shared for so many years. In my heart I know that it would not be the same there without him but I just miss our home.
    I love my family here and they have offered me to live here permanently. I accepted the offer while keeping my property in WV. I feel so useless here as it is not my home to do anything with and that makes me miss my home all the more. My 2 dogs seem to be adjusting but not even sure about that either. They get along with the family dogs but keep vying for "snuggles" from my brother in law. Mike loved his dogs and they loved him, in fact, they had to be tugged away from him for the paramedics to remove his body ( he died at home).
    I thought I was adjusting okay until the 6 month date came up followed by our anniversary a week later. Now I am constantly thinking about Mike and our life and how I will never have that again. I am crying frequently again and had stopped much of that a couple months ago. It just seems like the grief is getting worse instead of easier. I am just feeling lost. I guess I am hoping to find somebody with a similar situatin and know what to do. Thank you for your interest.
     
  2. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    So sorry. It's been 6 months for me too since my husband died and my grief seems to getting worse too. There have been a few people here on the forum that have said the same thing at 6 months. It may be due to the fact, the reality is setting in after the initial months of taking care of things that are done.

    Since I'm in the same situation of grief I'm on the forum, reading grief books and doing a lot of praying. Reality sucks. I don't think we can stay in this stage of grief forever.

    Can you go back to your home for awhile then come back to family? Maybe that would help if possible.
     
    Chris M 2000 likes this.
  3. teri1953

    teri1953 New Member

    I have gone back once with family. It is a 5 hour drive and accessible by 4 wheel drive only so had to have a local friend standing by to take us up to the house. I gathered some things that I needed and wanted of my husband's. It was the only time I had been back and it was so sad. I am glad I had family & friends with me and not sure if I could spend much time there and certainly not alone.
    I am sorry for your loss and that you also seem to be having a relapse. Nobody has mentioned this to me about the 6 month relapse. In a way it is good to know that I am not losing my mind. More so than initially, I have been uninterested in doing things with my family or going any where or even just being able to focus on much at all. I have always enjoyed cooking to clear my head but now I seem to have less interest in it and when I do, I seem to mess up or burn myself. I just thought all of these symptoms occurred early on and that I was getting better. It does make me wonder about the 1 year date. Perhaps by then the reality will have set in better and I/we will be able to handle it better.
    I pray that soon we can just focus on the memories and work toward making new ones with loved ones.
     
  4. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    Dear cjpines: Part of the grief increasing after 6 months is due to having to accept the fact that we will not see the one we love here on this earth again for now, don't you think? I remember one day still expecting my son to pull into the driveway. Also, I was so relieved that he was no longer suffering that it took awhile before I was fully aware of what a great loss it was going to be for me.
     
  5. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    You will not stay in this stage of grief forever. It may take some time, but gradually the loss will not take up every moment of your day. You will begin to have periods where you actually can think of something else, so keep going. God loves you.
     
    cjpines likes this.
  6. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Thank you Chris. I don't remember how long it's been for your loss? Yes, I know we will not see our love one on earth and that's the awful part. My husband is somewhere else and I'm here on earth suffering, he's not suffering. I do hope things get better, thank you
     
  7. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    It has been a long time now-Dec. 2000. I am sure you are suffering. I can assure you, if you can hang on, things will get better. I am sure that doesn't help one bit right now with what you are going through. I just want to encourage you in any way I can. Sending Peace your way.
     
    cjpines likes this.
  8. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    My husband died April 11, 2021. I notice that I seem to be missing him more (as if that's possible!) now than I did when he first passed away. I think, in some ways, in the beginning, it just didn't seem "real" to me. I couldn't quite grasp the fact that he was gone forever, never coming home again. I'm finding that with each passing day, I'm crying more, can't stop all the memories from the days before he got sick from flooding my mind. The slightest thing, like going into the front hall closet, grabbing an umbrella, one that he gave me, sends me running for the nearest box of tissues. I wish I could tell you something that might make some sense of this, but I'm sure even if I could, it wouldn't help. Just want you to know that you're not alone. Sending many hugs your way...
     
    Chris M 2000 likes this.
  9. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    You are exactly right about what is happening. They usually say we are in shock and that is true. The shock of what has happened is just too much to be able for our minds and hearts to bear at first. So God made us so that we gradually become aware of the reality of the loss. I think if we had to face it all at the beginning it would destroy us. Just go with your feelings. There is no way to prevent this sense of loss-at least it shows how very much we cared and loved our person. Thank you, Deb, for sharing. God's best to you. Chris