Aloha all, New here to this site after losing my wife one year ago to suicide. I have two children, 10 and 16. I've been putting on a happy and positive face in front of them and at work but behind closed doors, the smallest things will bring me to tears (like tv ads, movies and songs). My wife was sweet, soft-spoken and kind. We had a connection that I could only describe as "soul mates". We were drawn to each other at work and I immidiately knew that she was "the one" that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. She loved animals and fostered them whenever she could (not always with my consent). She had what I would describe as an "old fashoined" way about her. She would speak the way your grandparents would speak, always thoughtful, kind, courteous with a smile. Making her laugh was my favorite thing to do. After our youngest was born, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent all of the treatments that came with it. Chemo, bilateral mastectomey, radiation... the works. After going through all of that, she was never quite the same. She grew dependant on marijuana and was prescribed medication for anxiety and depression. She was later dignosed with bipolar disorder and was prescribed medication for that. After a verbal argument with me about how I worked too much and was not there enough for her, she walked to a beach park several miles from our home and overdosed on one of her meds. Being an extreme introvert, I'm finding it difficult to share how I'm feeling with others when they ask me how I'm doing... even with the closest of my friends. Like many of you probably do, I just follow a script, "I'm hanging in there, kids seem to be doing okay, taking things one day at a time..." I don't want to bum people out so I never really let folks know what's going on under the surface. Over the past few months, the shock of how my wife left has faded and it's now replaced with the aching feeling of having a very large part of me torn away. I'm surrounded by kind and loving people but still feel very alone. I guess that shock of my wifes suicide was a form af anesthesia and it's now wearing off. That shock had me in crisis mode and I was able to manage my family, a household and a very demanding job with relative ease. It feels like everything is crashing down now, internally that is. I don't think anyone suspects that I have this deep sadness within me with the facade I put up. I guess this is just a very long and drawn out way of saying that I miss my wife. I had a dream of her a couple of weeks ago. In that dream, she hugged me and smothered me with kisses. That broke my heart when I woke up. I'm not a very religious or spiritual person but I hope that was her visiting me. And I hope she visits me again soon. Thank you to everyone who has shared thier stories here. Reading them I somehow feel less alone. Mahalo, Craig
Hello, thank you for sharing. I can 1,000% understand how you are feeling and what you’re going through. I lost my husband by suicide one year and 5 months ago. It’s absolutely devastating! I still cry a lot and miss him so very much and miss our life together! This new normal I’m not used to yet and it gets mentally tiring. I to put up a facade I think everyone things I appear to be doing okay or living life normally. I feel my close friends and family are tired of hearing the same ol story I’m sure that’s not true but that’s what I feel. I am apart of a support group of woman who’ve lost their spouses we meet once a month that has been the biggest support for me!! I highly recommend to try to look for a local support group similar. Again, thank you so much for sharing!
Hi J.A., Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I haven't been successful in finding a local support group and that's what led me to Grief In Common. I'm hoping that I will be able to connect with others, like yourself, who understand what I'm going through and find some comfort and peace as a result. I'm wishing the same for you. Mahalo, Craig
Hello Craig, there are no words to ease your heart, but just know that we are here, as best we can be under the circumstances. It sounds to me like the reason you feel like everything is crashing down is maybe because you have not had the time to grieve. You have to go through it, and perhaps your children will benefit from you being real about what you are going through. Children can easily see through a "happy face" and it will only serve to confuse them as they grow. They will pick up the disconnect and that could lead them to distrust their own perceptions about what is going on in life. This doesn't mean you discuss details of your wife's passing, but perhaps allowing yourself to cry in front of them will bring them comfort and draw them closer to you. It will also give them permission to grieve in front of YOU. They could well be trying to protect you by hiding their own grief. You have endured a horrendous loss, and it happened in a way that leaves questions that will dog you for life. But that is how life is. You might check out some podcasts on grief by some very gifted people who can guide you through the process. There is a gerontologist named Dr. Tam Cummings. While she specializes in dementia, her words on grief are enlightening. Also, Jo McRogers is wonderful because she helps you through every detail of what you may face in dealing with your grief. My father committed suicide in 1978 and I have come to accept that, at least in this life, I will never know what my soul needs to know about him. The recent passing of my beloved husband of 38 years has plunged me back down into the abyss of questioning everything and feeling enormous fear about everything. One day at a time, Craig. Blessings to you.
Aloha and thank you DogsAreMyLife. I am finally allowing myself to grieve and you are right, I shouldn't try to "protect" my kids from seeing me sad. I do speak to a therapist and she told me that I need to share more with them and I'm slowly beginning to. After nearly a year, I finally explained to my 10yo (son) how mom died. Prior to this talk, he thought mom died because she was sick (he wasn't totally wrong so I never clarified). I've shared many tears with my 16yo (daughter) about her mom on several occasions but I still don't tell her exacly how sad I still am or how much I miss her. Unlike my son who is just sad, my daughter is also very angry. It feels almost like when she begins to feel sad, she copes by getting angry... not sure if that's normal or not. I've tried to set up appointments for her to talk to a thereapist but she'll go the them and not share how she's truly feeling with them. This leaves it to me to "check in" on her (emotionally) every now and then. Luckily, she seems comfortable sharing her feelings and thoughts with me. I just hope that I'm guiding her in the right direction. Thank you for the podcast recommendations! I will be sure to check them out. I can certainly empathize with your statement of "never knowing what my soul needs to know" about your dad's passing. It may be a bit of delusion on my part but I just imagined that my wife must have been enduring so much suffering that it was the only way she saw to escape that. Honestly, I really have no idea what she was thinking of feeling at the time as she left no note or message of any sort. That will be something I will never truly know and I have to accept that. Our struggles with her mental health has occurred over several years and it took all of my strength to helplessly see her curled up in bed crying and suffering from depression so severe, it was beyond my comprehension. All I could do was lay with her and hold her until it passed. She's come to see me twice now in my dreams since her passing, both times she's seemed at peace and happy. I'm grateful that these are the most recent and vivid images that I have of her, despite them most likely made up by my imagination. As you said, one day at a time. Mahalo.
Maui Dad, You said several things that showed me what a profound soul you are. First, your concern for your children is deep and abiding. What an incredible gift to them considering what happened with your wife. It will change their future for the better as they deal with this loss. And second, you said that you held your wife as she was curled up while she endured the Hell of depression. There is nothing on earth like it, there really are no drugs that have the power to "solve" it, and to witness it is devastating. The feelings of helplessness, of frustration, of fear, of anger, of loss are the price we pay for loving someone with deep depression. We can't reach them, and to live with someone who is enduring this is like you are being dragged under water and can never get your footing. I am a Christian. The day my husband died it was just the two of us in his hospital room. I was in a total state of shock and denial that he was dying. I look back on that day and realize that God lifted me out of my mind because if He didn't, I would not have survived that day. By the time late afternoon came, I had this feeling that there was a kind of light in the upper left corner of the room. It was like a bright mist. I never looked directly at it, but I saw God, but not with my eyes. I know it sounds crazy, but I realized that my husband was now going with God to Heaven where his suffering would be ended. My deep misery now is because I am slammed between images of him when he was young and fit and happy, and then I see images of him when he was withered and flailing his arms all night and screaming in his nightmare of Alzheimer's. But I KNOW he is restored. You are blessed to have dreams of your wife, who is showing you that now she is not a prisoner of depression. God bless her. If you do the research on Near Death Experiences, you will find that within the last 10 years there have been very thorough clinical studies of thousands of people around the world, and the evidence is in. There IS life after death. The process of death is universal and the journey of the soul upon leaving the body is also universal. Dr. Gary Habermas (you can find many of his lectures on YouTube), is one of the most revered researchers with thousands of accounts of NDE's. You might want to look him up. Trust that your wife is with you in spirit. Keep her in your heart until you meet again. Blessings to you.
You are welcome. I pray for you and your children continued healing, adjusting to the new, and for your heart to be mended.
Hello J.A. I wanted to express my sympathy to you over the loss of your husband. I did not lose my husband, but we lost our 28 year old son as a result of suicide. Yes, it is truly devastating. I pray God will strengthen you and carry you on. I love your HOPE profile page with the beautiful flower.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. I pray for continued strength, healing and peace for you and your family. Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it!! I had to turn my mindset from I wish into I hope and it will be Ok one day soon!
The scriptures say we are not without hope like some are. We still have the hope of seeing our Lord Jesus Christ who has carried us through and we have the hope of seeing our loved ones again soon.
