Falling off the priority list

Discussion in 'Dealing With Multiple Losses' started by Lynne Joyce, Apr 5, 2018.

  1. Lynne Joyce

    Lynne Joyce Member

    Has anyone else found that once widowed you fall to the bottom of friends’ priority lists? I have had four social engagements either cancelled or just not met this week because people prioritised other things/people above a commitment made to me. One said she forgot, not for the first time. One didn’t turn up without even having the grace to notify me in advance or to apologise afterwards. I later learned that she had gone to see her son. Two cancelled at the last minute having replaced our social meet with arrangements made later with their partners. This week isn’t exceptional.

    I get that other people have partners and families and that these take priority, but why make arrangements with me in the first place? It may be of little consequence to them but I don’t have any family or a partner. Do people make arrangements like his without any intention of fulfilling them and if so why?
    Melissa Holmes likes this.
  2. Rebecca Carrum

    Rebecca Carrum New Member

    Feeling sad for you! Hoping the Holy Spirit will send you at least 1 new friend who is compassionate and sincere....someone you can count on to be there for you. Othera who have not stepped through the loss of spouse do not understand the deep pain and longing to belong to their circle of friends before the loss occurred. Praying that a nice friend, new or old, will join your journey of life and be real! Rebecca
  3. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Lynne, I think you've posed a question that so many people can identify with. When we're married we socialize as a couple usually, and as plans get cancelled or changed the impact is usually less since we still have our spouse to spend time with. These friends may not realize how much of a lifeline they are for you right now. How much you count on this time with them, and how much you may need it. I know talking to people about this kind of stuff can be hard, but I think there's a way to express your difficulty in a way that won't make a friend defensive. My guess is they really just don't understand and have no idea how their actions are effecting you. A tool I often use when feeling slighted is asking myself this: has this person intended to hurt my feelings? Almost always the answer is no. Now someone would say a sort of thoughtless oblivion isn't much better, but I disagree. People get very wrapped up in their own lives...we've all done it, and these days it's hard not to. But with a gentle approach I think you could let these friends know how much you look forward to and count on these plans to distract you from the pain and the grief. Empower them to know how much you need them, and what an important part of your healing process they could be. I would hope that could help and they would be responsive to that. And if nothing else I think it could be healing for you to get your feelings out in the open. Please keep in touch to let us know how it's going as you move forward. We're here with any questions you have or for anything you may need. Please take care, I truly wish you all the best~
    Melissa Holmes and Lynne Joyce like this.
  4. Lucy MKJ

    Lucy MKJ Member

    This happens when we lose a job due to being disabled. No one calls me, I am stuck in the house alone all day and hate it. Then I think of my son in heaven and he always said “find a way to do it!”
    Melissa Holmes and griefic like this.
  5. Melissa Holmes

    Melissa Holmes New Member

    I I do 2 feel like you. After my brother was murdered it was like everybody calling on for dear life and with suffocated me. After my dad died everything felt like people were keeping their distance but were there if I truly needed them. Then we lost a family friend who was murdered in a fire and again they did the same thing that they did with my brother. But as soon as my Superman passed away family and friends wouldn't say anything they wouldn't write they wouldn't call they wouldn't make engagements it's almost like they would ghost me. And I sometimes wonder if it's because I know that I desperately need a friend or support that I'm going to rely on for a while other than my son who's only 11. It's almost like they're not going to want to be burdened with it or they've got happy thanks and don't want to hear my grief.

    My mom told me that being a widow what's 1 the loneliest times in her life. So whether I like it or not she was going to be around I'm glad for that. I really do think people you haven't been widowed don't want Carrie or support any of the weight. Oh my look at me I've rambled on. Forgive me. I got stuck in my head a lot. I hope God bless you.

    Melissa Holmes

  6. Wendy H Halley

    Wendy H Halley New Member

    Hi Lynn, boy do I understand. It seems that once you become part of the loss category, by nature your status automatically changes. For me I have had so many significant losses that when people look at me I sense their discomfort. It feels so unfair, what did I /we do to deserve this- nothing. I’ve definitely fallen to the bottom of their social lists. They don’t mean to hurt us, but they do and it hurts, a lot!