Dreams and my future…..gone in

I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be here typing this.
My husband Jim of 34 years left me 2-1/2 months ago.

he was a special man with many interests, talents and hobbies. He was a pilot and we owned a mooney airplane for years. He was a computer professional, an electronic whiz, invented some cool things. He was a ham radio enthusiast, instructor and president of 2 ham clubs. He volunteered for many organizations and was a person that people generated to. He was also honorable, loving and caring.

The year prior to his diagnosis with stage 4 rectal cancer he had ongoing problems which he attributed to IBS and refused to see a doctor. 8 weeks before leaving me he promised he would see a doctor after he finished his ham radio licensing class. By the time he did it was already too late even though I could not accept. He went through radiation, started chemo and was gone 3 weeks after diagnosis.

3 years ago we moved to a 5 acre property with a lovely house. Right after both his parents were diagnosed with terminal cancers. The first year and a half we traveled several weeks a month to arizona to care for them. Then covid hit. Consequently I am left in an area with no neighbors, no friends and our 3 children live in different states.

we really did not get to make connections here and I am feeling stranded on top of these never ending tears.
Our town is small and their are no grief groups or opportunities. No where is home to me since we have lived 4 states because of job moves. So no where to return to. This road we travel is full of potholes, littered with debris and unsafe in every way. A joyless trip through the rest of our lives.

The emptiness in soul speaks chasms.
Peg

 

Peg,
My heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband, your soul mate. I can feel your pain I. Your writing. You’ve come to the right place everyone on GIC understands and knows your pain. I’m sorry you’re here writing too. But you’ll get I
Understanding and never any judgement here. Peg, I lost my husband over 3 1/2 years ago suddenly from a massive heart attack. He was healthy, so we thought. He was taken from me in just a couple hours. Went from running a business together and preparing t
For retirement to a life alone that feels scary. I. Sorry you feel so alone and isolated, you have many people here full of compassion that are here to listen and share and try to help. Try to get fresh air every day, make lists to help you remember things. Talk with your children often.
This is a long bumpy road, but you have new friends here to help you find your way to better days ahead. Robin

 

Robin, thank you and I am sorry you are going thru this as well.

this deer caught in the headlights and frozen in time moments are more than anyone should have to bear. My daughter and I text daily and she has been my biggest support. My sons seem unavailable and just do not call or text. They were here when he went and came back for the memorial and sort of disappeared. It hurts and I sense if i am not doing well, they do not want to go there.

It saddens me because we loved them so much and were always there in their time of need. There seem to be many awful lessons one learns at times like these.
Peg

 

Peg, thank you for being brave, and
revealing your first name. I would not
want to keep calling you "Regret",bc we
all have those. I saw by your info that you
are 3 yrs. younger than I ,and live in
Nevada. Like Robin, my spouse died
suddenly, over 3 & a half yrs. ago. Linda
was undergoing PT in a rehab facility,
to improve her walking, while battling
breast cancer.One day, she collapsed, in
a weird position,in front of me, and died
from a pulmonary embolism soon after.
Like you, we had moved around a lot,
and bad no friends, family, or children.
Linda was 68. Bc of suicidal ideations,
I went to a psychiatric nurse practioner/
guilt counselor, and all I did was cry. I live
on the northern coast of Massachusetts.
But, when we got married, in our mid
40s, we didn't want our toxic parents at
our wedding, and we "eloped" to Las
Vegas for a simple wedding in an Island
Chapel. You've been through hell, and we
are here for you. I call ourselves The
Grief Warriors ( TGW), bc we leave no
one behind on the battlefield of grief.
One last thing: Would you say your
husband's name? It will honor his
memory. Lou

 

Lou my husbands name is Jim as I posted in my first thread. The name was pegret not regret. But that fits too. We live in northern Nevada not far from lake Tahoe in a small town next to Carson City. Resources and grief groups are not really prevalent. My husband I used to joke that I got to go first because I was 11 years older and men did not last as long so they had to be younger. Funnily everybody thought he was much older than me.
The joke was on me I guess.
I just do not want to be in this place or be doing this thing and how can this be real. In the 34 years of our marriage the cancer diagnosis was only the second time he was ever at a doctor for anything. The first was 3 years ago when I said I was not moving unless he got a physical. I knew he was having problems long before and I keep thinking that there must of been something I could of done to force him to go.

6 months prior I blew up at told him he needed to see a doctor. He said he wanted to do one more ham licensing class and he would. By then all was lost.

Peg

 

Peg, thank you for your prompt reply,and
saying Jim's name. The fact is that you did
all you could to try to get him to see a
doctor, but he wouldn't budge, until it
was too late. I wish Linda didn't have an
unhappy childhood, and turn to
unhealthy cakes & ice cream, which led
to obesity, and eventually Diabetes 2, when
we met , in our 40s. Linda went with me
on weekend getaways in New England, and
we walked everywhere. Later in life,
when she had to use a cane. then a walker,
she became sedentary, watched TV, became
depressed & lost interest in walking outside. At first, I felt tremendous
survivor's guilt, until my kind grief
counselor guided me through it. She
suggested GIC, but I didn't join 'til a year
ago. Helping others, in their grief, has
become my mission in life. I can tell by
your compassion, and even a sense of
humor, that you will be a valuable
member of GIC. Welcome, Peg. Lou

 

Thank you lou and I am very sorry about losing your loved one. There are no words.
Peggy

 

Hi Peggy. I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. Jim sounds like an amazing man. I hope you'll visit this site often. There are good people here who know what you're going through. I've been in your shoes, 22 months ago, when I lost my wife of 35 years to brain cancer. I'll keep you in my thoughts, and send as much positive energy as I am able. Consider joining the chat room. I'm in there regularly with friends on this site, and would love to meet you. Bill

 

Bill, good to see you on here this morning,
welcoming & comforting Peg. I know that
you're mostly in the chat room, but I'm
glad you make an occasional appearance
here. I often refer to my 3 younger
brothers on GIC: Gary, George, and
Chad, on GIC, with whom I email often,
but forget about the other widowers I've
"spoken" with, in the past, like you. Lou

 

Peg, I’m happy your daughter is offering support. You desperately need that. My daughter is my biggest support. She lives 15 minutes from me. She moved back in after Ron passed. She went to the hospital when the ambulance took him and was with me when we were told they couldn’t save him. He was never sick. He caught colds and such but never anything much more. The first time was that November evening. And he was taken from us in 2 hours. We were married 41 wonderful years. Ran a business together and did everything together. And then suddenly I’m alone and scared. Deer in the headlights is a perfect description. I’m sorry your sons aren’t offering support. I’m only guessing here, but they might be struggling too. And possibly don’t know how they should support you. I’ve lost many family members and friends since Ron has passed. And that’s when we need them the most. Some people are uncomfortable and kind of run. I’m in NY my son is in Florida. He does stay in touch with me, we’ve always been very close. But I feel he was in denial for quite a long time. When Ron passed he came and spent quite a while with me and my daughter and we all slept in the living room together. They held me as I cried.

I started writing this yesterday then was invited to go listen to a country band on the beach. This is something I couldn’t have done 2 years ago. In time we get stronger. In our own time.

I’ll attach a sunset picture. I find it calming.
Take care, we’re here for you. Robin

 

Hello Peg I’m terribly sorry to hear about your loss of Jim. My name is Gary and I lost my girlfriend Cheryl suddenly and unexpectedly 15 months ago to a cardiac arrest. Cheryl’s only health issue was sleep apnea. I was fortunate enough to have a local grief support meeting that met bimonthly. I started counseling also. My love for Cheryl is so intense and the loss was so sudden I knew I had to use every resource I could. Widow/widower fog hit me heavy and I was in a lost depressive stupor 5 months. Grief effects our brains in very negative way. I consider grief a toxin. I found GIC 6 months after losing Cheryl. It has been a huge relief to communicate with people. Family and friends supported me for 2 months and they got burned out because I couldn’t control my emotions. There are Special people on this site. One of our main sources of information is Centersforloss.com. Read 6 needs of the mourner. Also sign up for the daily grief devotions. All this is free. There was a glitch on the devotions because my computer sent it to my junk email which I finally corrected. Lou is like a guardian Angel of this site. He is our most active grief warrior. Lou has recommended several good books. Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba has had a major positive effect on healing. There are endless possibilities for healing on this miserable grief journey. The main thing is you don’t have to do alone. Stay with us. Become a grief warrior too. Gary

 

Thank you Bill, Gary and Robin. I am so very sorry you all are here too. This disconnected feeling with the world is so soul draining. I did read the book by Tom Zuba and with all my heart I hope he is right. I have had some strange coincidences and that gives me hope that someone I hold dear is not gone. Not being a religious person I have never believed in such a thing. I am now reevaluating. It is also becoming obvious that no one knows how to do this. I have had to plan and execute 3 funerals in the last 5 years. My Mom, brother and husband. None of the others were this wrenching. Because of course Jim was my backup through the others. My boat to weather all storms has sunk.
Peggy

 

Peggy I am very sorry for your cumulative losses. There are warriors here who have had them too. It is the worst kind of grief. I’m not a religious person either but I believe in the supernatural realm. Zuba has another book Becoming Radiant which was recommended by our warrior friend Deb. I can recommend Invisible Ink by Cathy Curtis. Cathy Curtis has a video that promotes it. I am confident as looking at the sun now that I can communicate with my beloved Cheerful Cheryl. This is not a religious based book. It’s about the love of a daughter for her mother. The daughter/author began writing letters to her mother with specific prompts. In One of the prompts we create a beautiful room in our mind decorated with all our beloved memories. There are two chairs facing each other. I sat in one and Cheryl was in the other. I looked deep into Cheryl’s eyes and felt our love and let Chery write back to me. Cheryl addressed the previous prompt about what I was afraid of going through the rest of my life without her. This was a game changer. Gary

 

Peg, I believe that losing your soul mate is the hardest thing we will ever deal with in our lives. Its thrown at each of us, and there’s nothing that can prepare us for the devastation this feels like. Like you I’ve been through so many losses but not in a 5 year time frame. But Ron was always my rock. And continues to be. I feel his presence every day. He talks me through things, he led me to my lost credit card. They’re with us. It’s different, we can’t touch them or hold them but they’re with us. I’m glad you’re open to signs. That’s the first step. Ron is the reason I get up every day. And I still want him to be proud I’m his wife. Robin

 

Gary, I ordered the book from amazon. I am open to any help in creating an existence whereby I can at least find a life I can live. I am glad it was a game changer for you. After my Jim died and we held the memorial I went to my daughters house in the Seattle area for 6 weeks. I have been home now on my own for a little over a week. I felt like I had deserted him and I needed to be in our home to be able to decide where to go from here. I am coming to the realization that I may have to sell our home and move to near my daughter. All the houses on our road are on 5 acre parcels and you can barely see a neighbor let alone meet one. So i am back home to come to some kind of epiphany and acceptance that my home is no more my home. But nowhere else seems like hone. We have moved and lived 4 different states in our 34 year marriage and none feel like home.

 

Peg, my impression of Nevada was that
aside from the excitement of Las Vegas,
where Linda & I got married, and had our
honeymoon, there are vast areas of
desert, with changing neighborhoods.
One must decide whether desert, mountain, or seaside life , is the best.
Linda & I were born & raised by the
ocean. I want to live out the rest of my
days on the coast. The ocean feeds my
soul, with its' timeless tides. Lou

 

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Robin, I'm proud of you for listening to
live music again! You & I are baby
boomers, who grew up with great 60s &
70s music. It's part of who we are. I listen to all kinds of music now, on my Smart
Phone, as well as going to hear live bands
at my local cafe. Lou

 

I'm sorry for.your loss. Im glad you and your daughter is supporting one another. Your son will come around. He's grieving himself and may just not no how to respond right now so he don't. Your grief is very fresh so.dont stress about the way you feeling. Everything you feel is normal you just lost apart of you. I lost my Gant 2 and half years ago and I still miss him everyday. Our kids is my motivation. I move for them . I hate to imagine what I'd do without them. You are definitely in the right place. We all get what you're feeling are here for support.

 

Thank you Robin, I have two sons, one I called today and he keeps saying, keep busy. Then gives me a list of hobbies I should try. The other son is just to busy to even respond. Like I could just take my mind off losing my husband in staying busy. I think they believe I should be better after 2 months. Counseling and antidepressants seem to be their main advice. That way somebody else could fix me and wrap it with a pretty bow. I am not broken…something really tragic happened in my life and my whole existence changed in a blink . And the paperwork just keeps coming.

 

Thank you Lou. As you know music has been difficult for me. Live music goes quite a lot better. And the beach is so calming. Listening to the radio with original artists is much harder, I’m able to listen sometimes. Music was such a big part of our lives. Yours too I know. I’m happy you’re able to enjoy it. You’re right, is part of who are so sure. I’ll get there in time. Ron was big on singing to me, I miss that so much. Robin