Does this get easier

Hello my name is Pete. I lost my fiance a little less than 2 years ago to a Glioblastoma brain tumor. Her diagnoses was a shock and I spent as much time with her as possible before she passed. Because of her illness she needed 24/7 care. Because of my work I could not provide her care, she spent the last 7 months of her life at her oldest son's house. I was able to visit her everyday. Was heartbroken when I had to go home. I would kiss her goodnight and tell her I loved her. We were together almost 12 years, she was truly my soulmate, she eased my anxiety, we had each other's backs always. It was hard watching her die slowly of the brain tumor. I try to hold all the great memories we had together in my mind and it helps. Sometimes I can only picture her last few hours. These are memories I want to erase but I can't seem to. I beat myself up sometimes for it. She had a great smile and bubly personality. She worked at a daycare, she touched every life she came in contact with. The 1st few days and months were hard I thought it would get easier as time passed. I still find myself having random meltdowns every so often. I am glad that her sisters and children still consider me family. Having been blessed with grandchildren also makes things easier. This struggle is like a Rollercoaster of emotions. Is this a common thing? Does it get any easier. I am definitely looking for friends to chat with about these things.

 

Pete, your story of the slow death of your
soulmate is heartbreaking. I am deeply
sorry. I see by your profile that you are 52,
and live in Connecticut. Are you near the
ocean? I'm 20 years older, and live on the
northern coast of Massachusetts. My
wife, Linda, died in front of me, from a
pulmonary embolism. She was 68. We were married 25 years, no children. That
was 3 & a half years ago. The trauma was
so painful that I had to see a grief
counselor. At first, all I did was sob, partly
out of "survivor's guilt", that I couldn't
save Linda. Gradually , my counselor
suggested books , and Grief in Common
( GIC), but I didn't join until a year ago.
In answer to your question post, "Does
this get easier?", yes, it does. But, we never
"get over" the deaths of our soulmates. I
came up with the term, The Grief Warriors,
( TGW) to describe us. One of our
members, Karen, from California, says
that "Mr. Grief" pays us a visit, when we
least expect it. I still cry a little every
morning, but feel better when I walk by
the ocean, eat breakfast at an outside
spot, and talk with the owners, locals &
tourists. I try to remember the good times,
when Linda & I went on weekend getaways in New England. I have a good memory of
staying in Mystic Seaport in your state.
May I ask the name of your fiance, Pete?
I've found it helps to honor our soulmates
by saying their names. I look forward to
seeing you on GIC, with all the widows, and
my 3 younger "brothers": Gary, from Indiana, George, from Illinois, and Chad,
from Texas. Lou

 

I'm sorry for.your loss. Grief doesn't have a time limit in it. I.don't think the pain go away. I think we just get stronger as time goes by to deal with it. Mr. Grief will definitely visit on occasions. Sometimes.it sneaks up when least expected. Im glad your still close with the family. The kids and grand kids can definitely give you something to look forward to. I lost my Gant a little over 2 years ago to and it sometimes feel like it just happened. We have two young children and they are my motivation to move. I.had a rough day the other day and I know that if I didn't have them it would've been one of those days that I would've stayed in bed all day. You are in the right place to chat with friends that understand exactly what you are going through.

 

Pete, I’m so sorry for the loss of our fiancé. I lost my husband suddenly 3 1/2 years ago to a massive heart attack. We thought he was healthy, we had no warning. He was taken from our wonderful life so quickly. Everything in my life changed that night, it’s something that nothing in life prepares you for. Life without your person is definitely a roller coaster. I’ll also share that Ron’s brother passed from a Glioblastnoma brain tumor. I know it’s hard watching someone going through that. One of the first things he started losing was his eyesight. During our last visit with him in New Hampshire he asked if I’d guide him. So sad that he needed that help, but of coarse I let him take my arm. It’s a special memory I have with him from our last visit.
I’m happy that her family considers you as family. That’s a huge help. Plus joining this site. There’s a large community of people who understand everything you’re feeling and will offer support and there’s never any judgement. What you’re feels seems to be very normal. At 3 1/2 years since losing my husband of 41 years, I’m still on that roller coaster. It gets easier somehow but it’s always with me. I do feel stronger and have moments of a little glimmer of light where things seem “ok”. You e come to the right place for support and friends who understand and are happy share stories and thoughts.
Robin

 

Hello, Pete, my heart goes out to you for the loss of your dear fiancée. You have done the right thing joining us here, you will find comfort and understanding and we all relate to how you're feeling. It's been a year and a half since I lost my husband suddenly, unexpectedly, just like Robin. He was only 57.We'd been married 25 years, had recently celebrated our silver wedding anniversary. I won't say you'll get over this, we just learn to live with our grief, our special memories of our loved ones give us strength to go on. You will have 'sunnier days' when you manage a smile while you feel the love of your soulmate surrounding your whole body, your mind, your heart, giving you courage to go on. My two grown up kids living with me also give me strength and a reason to get up in the morning. Stay close to your family, I'm sure your grandchildren will provide you with all the hope and joy you need right now.
Take care of yourself.
Rose.

 

Hi Van Goh, thank you for your response and I am sorry for your loss as well. I am glad I found this site to be able to talk with others. I like the Grief Warriors label. To answer your questions, my fiance name was Stacey. I am about 20 min from the ocean. I have not been to the ocean since Stacey passed, it was one of her favorite places, along with Mystic village. It may take me a while to get back to those places. Just one more clarification on my post, I mentioned I watched her slowly succumb to the cancer, in actuality it was fairly quick from diagnosis to her passing was 7 months, what I meant to say was that I'd notice her losing control of her body over that time, walking, moving of arms, speaking, eating. I guess it just seemed slow because I was helpless. Thank you again

 

Pete, thank you for sharing Stacey's name.
I understand why you're not ready to go to
the ocean right now, but I hope you will,
in time. When Linda died, I couldn't listen
to any music without weeping. Many GW
felt the same way. One morming, I decided
to play a blues song , on my Smart Phone,
which I used to listen to, before I met Linda: Hootchie Cootchie Man, by Muddy
Waters. I liked the beat, the swagger of
the singer, and I smiled. After that, I can
listen to any song. Most of the time, I can
do it without crying. I'm so sorry about how you had to watch Stacey's decline, and
feeling "helpless" to "save " her. Linda
went into the hospital, bc of a lump in one
breast and intense pain in her back. She
was diagnosed with breast cancer, but she
was already doomed, bc she had Diabetes 2, was sedentary, and put on weight. She
went from cane to walker, and lost the
will & desire to walk outside. Linda became depressed & bitter. As I told George, her only pleasures were eating
cake & ice cream, while watching TV. There
wasn't much I could do, to convince Linda
that it was unhealthy for her. After the
hospital, she went to a rehab. unit of a
nursing home, where she had to undergo
physical therapy, which she hated. One
day, she collapsed at the edge of her bed,
in an unnatural way. I ran to get help. The
last I saw of Linda, was that the nurses
got her on a wheelchair . I called her favorite nurse to ask what Linda's last
words were. She said she asked Linda if
she wanted a pillow, & Linda said yes. When the nurse called her name, Linda
didn't answer, her lips turned blue, and she died quickly from the pulmonary embolism. I'm glad I didn't see that . It was
horrible enough to see her collapse. My
grief therapist, a psychiatric nurse
practioner, was necessary, bc I had PTSD,
and had suicidal ideation. My manic
depression ( now called bipolar disorder)
magnified my grieving over Linda's sudden
death. When I joined GIC, I chose Van Gogh, bc he was a tortured soul, with
manic depression. I feel better now. You
can call me Lou. I hope you get a chance to
respond to Robin, in Long Island, NY,
Nicole ("Sweetcole") in Georgia, and Rose,
in Italy. I'm sure other GW will welcome
you & try to give you some comfort. Lou

 

Hey Lou hope your day was good.
You are right that in time I will hopefully be able to go to the ocean and maybe a few other places we frequented. My next step is to get back into the dating pool, we will see how things go. I will indeed hope to chat with the others you mentioned. It feels good to have people to talk to about what we are going through.

 

Hi Robin, thank you for your message, and I am sorry for your loss. It is definitely not easy. I seem to be ok most of the time but then I hear a song or have a memory and it triggers an emotional moment. I know things will get better. I wish I had found this site sooner, every little bit helps. Having friends and family close is key. May I ask how you coped with your husband's loss? When Stacey was diagnosed, that night I was so shocked and numb from the news that when I got home I started writing her letters. It seemed to help a lot. I wrote the letters every night for a year and 7 months.

 

Hi sweetcole, I am sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how difficult it is with young kids. Yes grief does come sometimes out of the blue, I have felt myself holding g back tears at work sometimes. The first few months after Stacey's passing was extremely hard. Thank you and I look forward to talking.

 

Pete, my name is Karen. I read your post and everyone's response and there isn't much I can contribute. All the responses to you touched my heart. I'm extremely sorry about Stacey. It's been 19 months since I lost my husband, Jack, I've been on this forum since and I find it so helpful to be able to vent and know I'm not alone. I think you asked if it gets easier? Yes, in a certain way. For me Mr. Grief is still living and well, but the grieving seems to be getting softer meaning not so much pain, not so much tears but I'm still in the state of who am I now. I do think the grief journey depends on one's personality and their outlook on life. There is no time limit it's something we all have to move through in hopes we can find contentment and joy again.
Keep close to family and friends, it's so easy to isolate ourselves to which I have and still tend to do, but I know it's not good for me. Blessings to you Pete.

 

Pete, just came home from a day on our
promenade of shops, art galleries , and
cafes, which are owned by friends of
mine. I'm retired , but I joke with my
friends that I'm an unpaid PR guy for
them. I'm blessed to live in a seaside
art colony. Tourists come from all over
the U.S. and even around the world. I
love to hear their stories , and suggest
places they can go. I love July & Aug
here, bc the winter is desolate. Instead of
getting lonely and depressed in the cold,
sometimes snowy winter, I hop on a bus,
or train, to 2 larger cities, for a change of
scenery, and more restaurants & art
museums. I'm glad you brought up dating.
Although I don't want to get married again,
I've told other GW that when Linda became ill, she wanted me to promise to be
healthy, try to be happy if anything happened to her. She even wanted me to
find another woman. I'm glad you replied
to Robin and Nicole ( "Sweetcole"). I hope
you can talk with my friends, Karen,
Bernadine, and Rose. At some point , you
will hear from Patti, Deb, and Helena , all
from South Carolina, and from my 3
younger widower brothers. Lou

 

Hello Pete. I’m terribly sorry for your loss of Stacey. My name is Gary and I lost my girlfriend Cheryl suddenly and unexpectedly 14 months ago to a cardiac arrest. My loss was similar to Robin’s and Rose’s. Terror shock confusion ect ect add infinity. The first thing I did was make a collage of Cheryl on my phone. Bad thoughts came often and I could look at all the photos of good memories we had together. The impact of losing Cheryl intensified over the next 3 months then stabilized. I immediately got into therapy and found an in person grief support group. I knew I was in bad shape and needed help. I was able to let my grief out in the mornings and early afternoon. I thought that was bad but I was wrong. I was letting the grief bubble out. We have to feel to heal. I didn’t find GIC until 5 months later. This is a safe place where I can be vulnerable if I chose to be. No one judges here. We love and support each other. Lou ( The Godfather of the grief warriors) has referred us to many books. Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba has been a life saver for me. Invisible Ink by Cathy Curtis guided me through prompts to write letters to my beloved Cheerful Cheryl. This was a turning point in my grief journey to believe deep in my soul Cheryl is still with me. I’m glad you found this site. I hope you stay here and express yourself and ask questions. You are never alone here. Gary

 

Gary, I knew I could count on you to
reach out to Pete, who will be welcomed
into our brotherhood. Thanks , once again,
for giving me credit for recommending
grief books, which my grief counselor
suggested for me. I was going to tell Pete,
that I have The Widower's Notebook, a
memoir, by Jonathan Santlofer, next to
my bed, and reread some of the more
humorous chapters. I like Jonathan's
honesty, concerning the ups & downs of
his 40 year marriage to Joy. Lou

 

Thank you Pete, you’re so right on how every little bit of support helps. The people here on GIC or TGW all understand and that’s such a good feeling. When Ron passed it was so unexpected, here one minute gone the next I went into shock. I wasn’t capable of anything. Thankfully I had enough family rally around me and care for me or I’m not sure where I’d be even now. No eating or sleeping, or very little for months. For some reason I would sit in my kitchen for hours. Ron and I owned a business together that I had to empty and close. Thankfully my kids and others helped me but at first I didn’t want anyone touching his things. I was told that writing letters would be helpful, I tried that, I just couldn’t for whatever reason. But I could and did talk to Ron. Out loud or inner thoughts. That helps me a lot and I still talk with him. Ron gives me the energy to keep moving keep trying. I’ve said this to others on here, I still want Ron to be proud and happy I’m his wife. I honor him and our life together every day. We were 2 people as one. And I still feel him with me. I think a lot of my coping came from Ron. Even though he was never sick he would bring up the difficult conversations. On how he would want me to live a happy full life if something should happen to him. We told each other that. My cousin passed unexpectedly a month before Ron. And we had that conversation again. I also asked him when we retire what in our shop did he plan to keep. We had an upholstery shop, he mentioned the tools and sewing machines etc. I kept all those things and although it was hard I’m so glad we had that conversation. So even though Ron isn’t here in person. I cant touch him or get a much needed hug he’s still with me and actually helping me cope. He even told me that my lost credit card was loose in the back of my car. And that’s where I found it. Staying busy and most importantly getting fresh air, are the things that get me through each day too. Like you, music is a huge trigger. I can only listen for short amounts of time. I’m happy for you that writing letters was such a help to you. I miss my happy life as we all do. We need to figure out who we are now and keep pushing forward for better days. Robin

 

Robin, as I said before, after Linda died, I
couldn't listen to music without weeping.
One morning , I played Hootchie Cootchie
Man, by Muddy Waters, and loved the
blues beat and sassy tone of a confident
man , who wouldn't take any crap. That's
how I am today, as I enter my local cafe
with live music, and am welcomed warmly
by the younger waitresses. I feel good.
Love July and the Fourth. Plan to see
parade , near Neck, on Main St. Have a
good one. Please let TGW when you
can listen to music again. Ron would 've
wanted that for you. Lou

 

Hey Pete I'm George I totally get where you are coming from Valerie died 14 months ago from incurable cancer. We were together 34 years. She was everything to me. My whole life since I was 21! After 14 months I am really doing very awful a lot of the time still. She did so much for me! And now I can barely get out of bed. I just keep doing because what else id there to do. I don't know what I like anymore. I used to have so many interests but now I don't understand how I could have liked anything . I can't conceive of the person I was and now I don't know who I am. Don't have much support network. No friends, No job, totally feel like a nothing... Well thanks for listening. Stay in touch. The only friends I have are on GIC. But I have so much trouble connecting anywhere these daze.

 

Hello George. Good to see you reaching out to comfort our new warrior brother Pete. I’ve been extremely disoriented myself lately. This has been my longest separation from TGW to date but I will keep on trucking regardless. I did get a boost watching the planet alignment on summer solstice which I had never seen before. I upgraded my ac with the help of some friends and had a couple other projects. We are in drought mode big time here. I had to have my brother pull an embedded tick off my back with tweezers this week. I’m leary about going into the woods. The drought has given me the project of keeping my beloved Cheerful Cheryl’s flower garden going. I do get a lift after just a half hour of time with them. Take care me Bro. I love you George. Gary

 

Music is just so hard. Just when I think I can listen, it hits me again and I just can’t. Lou, I have an Amazon echo that we always listened to music on. On Monday it started playing 50’s music on its own. We listened to many different kinds of music but 50’s was fairly often. Ron parents played that in their home all the time. It was nostalgic for Ron. All the sudden I realize music is playing. Ron visited me on Monday and wants me to listen to music. I’m trying. I’ll definitely let you know when I can listen without crying. I’m a little better with live music. But that can cause breakdowns too. I’m glad you plan on going to a parade. I saw fireworks last night and more tomorrow. Robin

 

Robin, maybe live music is key for you.
You did enjoy seeing Dave Matthews
Band with your daughter. When I heard
a female vocalist, at the cafe, sing Angel
from Montgomery, I was moved, but not
to tears. When I wake up in the morning,
I play the Bonnie Raitt version on my
Smart Phone. I cried only once, when I
remembered that we saw Bonnie live,
& stayed in a nice motel. I have to remind
myself that Linda & I had many New
England weekend getaways, and longer
vacations in Calif. & Fla. Lou