Different person

When I was younger, I thought my life could not get worse. I grew up in a severely dysfunctional household with 4 siblings. And as a kid had to grow up very quickly and take care of my siblings. I held onto a lot of resentment towards my parents and step father. I know myself and my siblings had our individual trauma and had hindered us growing as adults. But I would never think my sister JP would pass away at the age of 29. I felt like I could have done more to help. She had tramadol in her system and the week prior she told one of her friends she didn't think she live. I did not know at the time my sister was addicted to pain meds. I had stopped talking to her when she stole my identity and was scamming others in my family. I feel regret to not notice the signs and try to help her seek some professional help. After her death, I realized I lost a piece of my heart and identity. My siblings and I felt lost until another wave happened 17 months later. My brother passed away at the age of 16. I had thought I could not be shaken to the core once more. I had to raise my younger siblings (I'm #3 of 5) and he was the baby. Majority of his life was with me until I moved out in my mid 20s. I couldn't eat, shower, or brush my hair. I stopped caring for myself. I bargained with God several times to just take me- I don't want to feel this pain anymore. Slowly I gained some footing, still felt lost in life. Two years after that death, my uncle passed away suddenly from cancer. And he was a father figure to me seeing as my bio dad left when I was born. I noticed each death had affected me differently. Shortly after my uncle, in Jan 2019, I lose my mother. My mother and I did not see eye to eye at all for most of my life. All I ever wanted was to be loved and always returned to help her because she's my mom and deserves better. And my reasoning was she was young when she had us older 3 kids and came from abuse. She didn't know better and there wasn't any help. She was a single mom. And I forgave her for all the mistakes. And I miss her dearly. I feel each death taken a piece of my heart and there's not much left. And the one I would ask questions or advice is not here. I keep looking for her. I have to stop myself from calling her. I lost my identity and another piece of my heart again. I'm just so lost.