Hey there, I'm new to talking about my loss and am pretty sure no one is going to read this anyway. I fell in love young and I fell in love with my soul mate. He died violently, suicide by cop, before we had even been together for a year. I was 17. I'm 24 now and have still never loved anyone like I loved him. I feel stupid for that anyway, but I guess I'll share what I'm thinking about now. I was angry after he died, all the time. I don't think that's really gone away, sometimes I'll be in my car and a song we listened too will come on or someone will smoke nearby and I'll be rushed with the smell, and i get so mad i bang my arm against the car door while screaming, it helps a little but I'm thankful im not stronger or it would probably cause damage. I was mad at him for leaving me here. We were both aware we both had depression and suicidal thoughts, and past attempts. I took my anger out on myself for years. I kind of went on a sex bender, I slept with just about anyone all the time. It was the only time I could feel anything besides anger, and it wasn't healthy. I took a sabbatical from that though and tried to heal. I was in counseling this whole time and on meds. I didn't really talk to anyone though, still don't. I decided to give my current partner a chance because he had been trying to get me to date him since right after I met my soul mate. We're still together now and have lived together for years. I do love him, and he's my best friend. But I still think about what my life would be like and I wish every day to have him back.. even though that would mean giving everything up that I've had. I would go with him without a second thought if he knocked on the door. I've had that dream every night since he died. I guess I just don't know if it's ok to be with someone when that's how you feel? As far as I know I could be my partners soul mate, and I would be crushed if the tables were turned. And on top of this all, my grief has been worse lately, we moved back to my hometown and everywhere I go I see him.. and he's not here. Am I actually alone with some of this? Does anyone else still have so much anger after so long?