Did I jump in too fast?

Hey there, I'm new to talking about my loss and am pretty sure no one is going to read this anyway. I fell in love young and I fell in love with my soul mate. He died violently, suicide by cop, before we had even been together for a year. I was 17. I'm 24 now and have still never loved anyone like I loved him. I feel stupid for that anyway, but I guess I'll share what I'm thinking about now. I was angry after he died, all the time. I don't think that's really gone away, sometimes I'll be in my car and a song we listened too will come on or someone will smoke nearby and I'll be rushed with the smell, and i get so mad i bang my arm against the car door while screaming, it helps a little but I'm thankful im not stronger or it would probably cause damage. I was mad at him for leaving me here. We were both aware we both had depression and suicidal thoughts, and past attempts. I took my anger out on myself for years. I kind of went on a sex bender, I slept with just about anyone all the time. It was the only time I could feel anything besides anger, and it wasn't healthy. I took a sabbatical from that though and tried to heal. I was in counseling this whole time and on meds. I didn't really talk to anyone though, still don't. I decided to give my current partner a chance because he had been trying to get me to date him since right after I met my soul mate. We're still together now and have lived together for years. I do love him, and he's my best friend. But I still think about what my life would be like and I wish every day to have him back.. even though that would mean giving everything up that I've had. I would go with him without a second thought if he knocked on the door. I've had that dream every night since he died. I guess I just don't know if it's ok to be with someone when that's how you feel? As far as I know I could be my partners soul mate, and I would be crushed if the tables were turned. And on top of this all, my grief has been worse lately, we moved back to my hometown and everywhere I go I see him.. and he's not here. Am I actually alone with some of this? Does anyone else still have so much anger after so long?

 

Hi Hugz,
I'm sorry for the traumatic loss you had to live with. You say you have never really talked about it before, that's probably why you haven't been able to fully process it yet. Grief can become complicated in some cases. It doesn't always need counselling or therapy but violent, shocking, sudden experiences can give you PTSD and leave you with so many questions. I am reeling from a traumatic loss myself, only 4 months ago. I experienced another loss by suicide 24 years ago that I also never properly processed so there really is no timeline in grief. Even if you are able to talk and write about your person, you will have that loss etched into your life story forever. You loved him so it will never be something you get over, but you can learn to care for yourself better with the grief.
I just listened to a podcast where the woman who was widowed and got a new partner said her deceased beloved would always be her true love but she opened up herself to someone else. She will always be in love with her husband as she said. I feel the same way about the love of my life. A part of me will always stand in time and be loyal to him. Don't be too hard on yourself about this. You deserve support and companionship and I am sure your person would want your life to be as full as can be.
I hope you can find somewhere like a grief support group to work through what you haven't been able to do yet.
Take care

 

Hi Hugz,
I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my mother five days ago. My husband 20 years ago and my current lover and father of my second child almost 8 years ago. Pain comes in waves. A soulmate can never be forgotten. You will always love him in some way and always remember him. Give yourself time to heal. Give yourself permission to be happy again. Carry the good with you. Anger is also normal. I ride the waves as they come. I don't shy away from the pain or anger or despair. I let them engulf me and then I release them and move on until they come again. You can love more than one person. You can love in different ways as well. My husband was the love of my life. My second partner was not but I loved him. I lost him when I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter.
You are not alone in your pain. I am here if you ever need to talk. I am here if you don't need to talk. Please know that you will learn to live with your pain until one day you realize it doesn't hurt that much anymore. Be well. Stay strong. Take care