Death of my husband

I am so heartbroken after the death of my husband. Rob had cardiomyopothy for several years. Over time he had a defibulator and a pacemaker inplanted. He continued to develope arrthymias and when on a heart transplant list. On February 10th he was matched with a heart, but he developed severe lung infections and over the next 4 months he did not recover. He died on June the 14th. We were married for 26 years and never had any children. I miss him so much. I have have a good group of friends, but they all have their partners and just don't understand. How to I hurt less without feeling like I am leaving his memory behind.

 

INTO YOUR EYES (2022) (final)

(Bill Lathrop)

Although you have moved on to a better place

I’m still surrounded by your Grace

So now, there’s no need to cry

I just listen... to my mind’s eye.


When I gaze into your eyes, I see more than the obvious,

that therein lies.

It’s from these visits, I surmise... that I have now come to realize the life lessons... that you have devised, to help me understand... that my still-living body is not a cruel device but is just my chance to go back for advice and to attend God’s school and learn , His vision of the “Golden Rule”, and to finally know, what’s real and true...before mine own end comes into view.

Now, when I gaze into your eyes, I see more than the obvious that therein lies, I see the lessons tat you have devised...

When I gaze into your eyes....

.

 

CathyLynn,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. I know the pain you’re going through and I can feel it in your writing. Your loss is so recent, it’s not a month yet since your world was turned upside down. Nothing in our lives can prepare us for this. I lost Ron 3yrs 7mos ago. He’s still very much a part of my life. He passed suddenly from a massive heart attack. He was healthy, so we thought. One minute we’re enjoying everyday life together and the next my life is shattered. Married 41 years, ran a business together. We were as one person. He’s still with me, he’s a part of me. Your husband helped make you the person you are today. We can’t touch them but we can feel them. Give yourself time to mourn, things seem to happen naturally. Don’t push yourself beyond what you’re capable of. One day one hour or one minute at a time. What has helped me the most is staying busy and getting fresh air. Plus this site and the people on here. Everyone here understands your pain, there’s never any judgement just people coming together and learning from each other. Visit this site often, read and share thoughts and stories. It does help. Talking and sharing and crying all are very cathartic. I’m glad you have people supporting you that’s a wonderful thing. But they don’t know what you’re going through, everyone on this site does know. Know that you aren’t alone and you have a whole community of people here who understand. Wishing you better days ahead. They will happen. Robin

 

CathlyLynn, I'm deeply sorry about the
death of your husband & soulmate, Rob.
Thank you for saying his name, to honor
his memory. Most new members on Grief
in Common (GIC) are too broken to do
that. My wife, Linda, died suddenly in
front of me. She was undergoing PT in the
rehab unit of a nursing home, to help her
walk, while battling breast cancer & a
horrible pain in her back. She was 68.
We were married 25 years, no children.
She was my best ( & only) friend & family.
She died 3 & a half years ago. I went to a
grief counselor, bc nobody could know
my intense pain. Anyone who tells you
to "buck up" , or "get over it", is a
jackass& not worthy of your friendship.
My counselor suggested GIC, but I didn't
join until a year ago. I'm so grateful to
God that I did. I see by your info that you
live in North Carolina. Three of my widow
friends on this site, live in South Carolina:
Patti, Deb, and Helena. Hope you get to
"talk" with them. I'm the oldest of 5
widower brothers here: Gary, from
Indiana, George, from Illinois, Pete,
a new member, and Chad, from Texas.
I live on the northern coast of Massachusetts, and feel blessed, bc
the ocean feeds my soul. Hope you are
able to walk outside in nature. Lou

 

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CathyLynn, My name is Helena and I'm very sorry for your lost of your dear husband!! I lost my husband on January 23th of this year and I understand how you must be feeling when you have been married for 26 years and no children like myself married for fifty years no children. Family doesn't understand how horrible is this feeling like half of you is been taken away, the hurt it's very intense, I know how you must be feeling all alone, friends don't understand unless they have taken the grieving route. Like yourself I found GIC as I was so alone, not knowing what to do, where to go, I used to say 'What is the Point" to continue in this world without my Geoff....This site has been a life saver for me, all the Warrior Family of GIC supported me with their kind words without judgement.
After a few months I had to think and said 'wait Helena you still here! Geoff would not wanted you to be so miserable, sad individual, he would like me to be happy and remembering we did have the most beautiful moments of our life together, how many couples stay to the end? my husband got a heart attack in 1997, he survived for another 9 years, then again in 2006 had eleven hour surgery throat Cancer operation, he wanted to live, and we managed to stay together for another 15 years in between those years, he was in and out of hospital... as I'm writing my tears are running over my face, those memories are the worst I didn't intend to bring back that.....I'll stop here..., the only advise I would like to give you is YOU STILL HERE, just remember the beautiful moments you did have with yours dear husband. Take Care of yourself, Helena

 

https://songbackup.s3.amazonaws.com...991756&Signature=0woS808mOLrlrIlp8KhRstPijZI=

 

Dear CathyLynn, I am terribly sorry for the loss of your husband Rob. My name is Gary and I lost my girlfriend Cheryl suddenly and unexpectedly 14 months ago to a cardiac arrest. Our lives are shattered into a million pieces after this happens. I was in complete shock and confusion making all kinds of mistakes for months. I found out there is a term for that. It is called widow/widower fog. Luckily I found an in person grief support meeting locally but it only met bimonthly. I thought I was going crazy but I found out that is normal going through this miserable grief journey. Check the site Centerforloss.com and read 6 Needs of the Mourner. This will give you an overview of what to expect from yourself and others. This site has a daily devotional about grief that most of us read. After losing Cheryl I lost contact with 75% of friends and family. I got tied of being vulnerable around everyone and started isolating. My first therapist didn’t help as much as the second one. Laura specialized in grief and I refer to her as my healer. Thank goodness I found GIC last October. Now I have real friends who understand what it is like to lose the most important person in our lives. I honestly didn’t feel I was getting better until the 10 month mark after losing Cheryl. Sharing on GIC, Reading books, therapy, physical exercise, volunteering, maintaining Cheryl’s flowers, and going into nature have brought me back to some sense of normalcy. Healing from grief is the hardest thing we will ever have to do. Stay with us. There is strength in numbers. You are never alone here. Gary

 

Beautiful, eloquent words from the heart,
Gary. I'm proud to have you as a younger
( but not by much!) brother. Lou

 

Thank you Bill. Just been listening to your song, great words I relate to, and lovely comforting music. I admit that I got emotional and wanted to sob, I know I will be tempted to try playing this on the piano. My C and I always tried out new songs that particularly moved us.
All the best to you.
Rose.

 

Hi Cathy Lynn, so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. You are so right about friends not understanding, that's why I find comfort here sharing my thoughts with everyone here who understands because they're in the same situation. I lost my beloved husband of 25 years, suddenly and unexpectedly due to a heart attack, still can't believe he's gone. He was only 57, fit and healthy, no warning signs.
I hope to hear from you again, like others have already said, you are not alone, we all relate to you.
Rose.

 

Thank you my youthful older brother Lou. I’m grateful to have you as a true brother and the Godfather of The Grief Warriors. I’m going off grid for a couple days. Gary

 

Thanks, Gary, for calling me "youthful".
I'm still basking in the glow from the
many compliments on my birthday.Glad to see you welcome CathyLynn,but I know you always have a good reason to be off the grid. As a
wise man ( you) says, "Keep on truckin'".....
Lou

 

Hi CathyLynn: Another North Carolinian here. I'm so sorry for your loss. Like you, I lost my spouse, my wife Carla. Like you, early on it's hard to comprehend what's happening today, much less what tomorrow will look like. The only advice I can offer you is this: go with whatever you're feeling. It is there for a reason. If you're mad, be mad. If you're having a down day, be down. When you feel better, for whatever reason, feel better and try and do a little more. Don't fight the grief, it is not an obstacle to go over or around. There is nothing you could, or would, do to leave Rob's memory behind. Do the best you can each day, and that will be enough. I wish you the best.

 

Bill, I "met " you a year ago, when I joined
GIC. My wife , Linda, died over 3 & a half
years ago. In May. 2022 ( looking at
"content", rather than "threads"), I saw
that I asked the name of your wife,
Carla. I know you're usually on the
chat room, but I hope you will show up
here more often! You can join my
younger brothers here: Gary, George,
Chad, a new member, Pete, and more.
I turned 73 on the Fourth of July, but
was told by some women that I look 60,
which is how I feel. I don't want to get
married again, but might like a female
companion with whom to walk along
the ocean where I live, on the northern
coast of Massachusetts. Do you live near
the sea? Before CathyLynn, 3 of my
widow friends , Patti, Deb, and Helena,
live in South Carolina. I wish you could
all get together! I don't think there are
any other Grief Warriors ( GW),a term I
came up with for our group, in my state.
I'm curious about your feelings about
meeting another woman, Bill. Lou

 

Hi Lou. Good to speak with you again. Sept 28th will be two years for me. During that time I have mostly been a hermit. I haven't dated, although a few times (literally 2-3) I have spent some time with female friends. Nothing romantic however. At this moment, I am in an emotionally neutral position. I am neither looking for a relationship nor averse to it. If I meet someone that is interesting, and finds me interesting, I would probably appreciate the friendship...and keep an open mind to future possibilities, but I'm not searching. I don't live near the coast; I'm on the mountains side of NC. The ocean is 4-5 hours from me.

 

Thanks for your reply, Bill. I feel like you
do about getting involved with a woman.
When Linda became ill,she shocked me by
saying she didn"t want me to be alone, and
to find another woman. ] get sad when I
see a couple kissing. hugging, and holding
hands. In Jonathan Santlofer's The
Widower's Notebook, a memoir,he has a
fling with a much younger woman, a
former student. It's fun at first , but doesn't
last. After 40 yrs of marriage to Joy, he
doesn't want to tell his whole life story to
another woman. I don't feel that way, and
don't find it necessary to tell everything. L

 

Thank you all for the warm welcome. I am just going day by day. I am a teacher and was on FMLA during his illness. Glad I do not have to face returning to work yet and have the summer focus just on him and our memories. I find going to our normal places very hard. When my friends are with me , I wish they would go away and leave me alone. At other times when I an alone I think is this what the rest of my life will be like. I sometimes am able to think he is just out running an errand and he will return at any moment.

 

CathyLynn, everyone of us has had those
feelings. I came up with the term , The
Grief Warriors ( TGW) to describe us,
bc we leave no one behind on the
battlefield of grief. Karen invented the
terrible Mr, Grief who pays us a visit at
unexpected times, and if we slam the door
in his face, & bury our grief, it doesn't
work. I couldn't bear to listen to ANY
music after Linda died. Now,I'm in my
local cafe, listening to a female vocalist &
a male piano player , play the blues, without sobbing.....Lou

 

CathyLynn,

I'm so very sorry your husband, Rob, recently passed away. Words seem so shallow at times, so inadequate, now being one of them, but I hope you know how very sorry I am. I introduced myself to you yesterday on a different thread, Palliative Care, so I won't repeat everything I've already said. I'm glad that last night you "visited TGW here, where we usually hang out, in our GIC "home." I'm so glad that some of my GIC friends have already welcomed you to our "family," and given you excellent advice.

Lou always asks new members for their spouse's, significant other's, etc, name. I was only able to refer to Bob as my husband at first. It would have been way too painful to see his name in print. In the beginning, I was not only in shock, but also numb, in a state of denial. Many times, after coming home from running errands, window shopping, or taking long walks (I would do anything to be out of the house, to escape the place that held some of the most horrific memories of some of Bob's last hours on earth), I expected to see Bob sitting in his recliner, I expected to hear his voice, as I walked through the front door. The pain of him not being there was terrifying, it seemed surreal, too difficult for me to fully grasp...

I learned from GW who had been dealing with this total heartbreak longer than I have, that there is NO!!! way to escape Mr. Grief. Eventually he'll catch up with you, suffocate you, if you let him. The only way I would be able to move forward, to begin to feel better, to begin to heal (?), is when I was able to accept the cold, painful fact, Bob was NEVER!!! coming home again. It was very difficult for me to see Bob's name and death in the same sentence at first, but, and this is one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I'm so glad I was finally able to tell Lou, all TGW, his name. I remember how hard I cried after I typed that first message using Bob's name, instead of just referring to him as my husband, but at the same time, I realized I had taken a step forward.
,
I have a habit of rambling on and on and on, unable to stop "talking" once I get going, typing "books," as Lou refers to my L O N G !!! messages, lol... Today I'm going to get back on track instead. What I wanted to say to you, is that I think you have taken a BIG!!! step forward by being able to share Rob's name with us so soon. As Robin has said many times, "We are stronger than we think we are." Together WE!!! CAN!!! &!!! WILL!!! get through the very darkest days of our lives.

Welcome once again to TGW, our GIC "family." To repeat once more, I'm so very sorry you had to find us, but so very glad you did!!!, TUTTAM!!! I'm happy you're sticking around, giving us the chance to get to know you, and you the chance to get to know us.

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB