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Dealing with trauma from sudden death

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by SusanMc8, May 19, 2021.

  1. SusanMc8

    SusanMc8 Well-Known Member

    My husband of 56 years died of a massive stroke four months ago. I am realizing that so much of my grief is connected to the trauma of that day / I keep replaying the events and hearing his voice. Anyone else? Hoping this will eventually stop
     
  2. CAS

    CAS Member

    So sorry for your loss. I lost my husband 3 years and 9 months ago. He had a sudden cardiac arrest, collapsed right in front of me and was gone. We were at home talking just like a normal day, and he just collapsed. I couldn't even go back to the house for 6 weeks. I finally decided to sell it. It was just to painful. I moved in with my daughter for a year. Then bought a condo and am living alone for the first time. I will tell you as time goes on you will not think of the way it happened as much, but you will always think of him. I still have hard days but they are less and I can smile more. Take it one day at a time, and try to get out just to the store or a walk. I find it helps to try to keep busy. I don't think you truly ever get over it. You just learn to move forward.
     
  3. SusanMc8

    SusanMc8 Well-Known Member

     
  4. SusanMc8

    SusanMc8 Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry - it sounds like you’ve had a rough few years. In some ways our husbands dying suddenly makes it much harder I believe. Part of me still can’t believe he’s gone - I am keeping busy but at the same time I am tired a lot and just don’t feel like doing anything. It wouldn’t be practical to move from my townhouse and four if my children are just minutes from me. It seems like this is going to be a long hard road, especially learning to live alone for the first time.
     
  5. CAS

    CAS Member

    I'm glad your children live close to you, so do mine. The first year is very hard, your just in a fog not believing this is real. The second year for me is when I realized this isn't a nightmare I can't wake up from, it's real. So keep strong, only do want you can each day, and little by little, you will be able to move forward with less tears. God Bless
     
  6. SusanMc8

    SusanMc8 Well-Known Member

     
  7. SusanMc8

    SusanMc8 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind, wise words. It’s been four months now and I seem to be worse than ever. Talking on here with people like you helps. I feel like my kids don’t know how to react to my grief, they’re going through their own grief so I try to act ok when I’m around them but hurting so badly on the inside. I talk to friends who have been through this and it helps but I’m afraid I’m starting to sound like a whiny old lady. How are you doing day to day after 3+ years?
     
  8. CAS

    CAS Member

    It is way better than the first or second year. Time is a wierd thing, but you learn to cope with time. It's going to get worse before it gets better. Talking on here really helps a lot. I have met new friends where I live and this has really helped me. I'm like you, I try not to show my grief to much when I am with my kids. I have more happy days now than sad days. So will you too, but it does take time. Everyone grieves differently. Some of my friends just don't get it, because they have not experienced this kind of grief. I've had to distance from some friends because they seem uncomfortable around me and just don't say the right things. I'm glad I have been able to make some new friends. I hope the same for you.
     
    SusanMc8 likes this.
  9. Leeb

    Leeb Member

    I also lost my husband of 40 years three months ago of sudden cardiac arrest. The trauma of the day is very much alive and I too find myself replaying it. I miss him so much and its lonely without him.
     
  10. PaxVobiscum

    PaxVobiscum Member

    I won't go into the details of my story, but I can relate to what each of you have said. 37 year marriage for me. My wife died the day after our anniversary. I am 23 weeks out. Last week was extra hard for some reason and I became very negative in my thinking. The pain of loss and loneliness can seem to be improving and then all of a sudden it will flare up again. It is helpful to hear others say that can be normal. It helps to share our stories and struggles with others who "get it" and to hear the stories of others who have gone through this and how they moved forward. There is something therapeutic in that. Hang in there Susan. There is a whole community of people here who know what it is to loose a spouse. I find that very helpful to my own situation. CAS said "Take it one day at a time ... I don't think you truly ever get over it. You just learn to move forward." That is good advice and so true.
     
  11. CAS

    CAS Member

    So sorry for your losses. We were all married a long time. I was married for 36 years. I think about him everyday. I know he wouldn't want me to always be sad, so I try to move forward a little more each day. I pray for you all to have better days ahead.
     
  12. SusanMc8

    SusanMc8 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your kind responses. I guess we always knew one of us would die but the pain is so much worse than I ever could have imagined. It makes me more aware of others’ suffering when they lost a spouse and sorry that I wasn’t more understanding and loving. I’m glad to be in this group where we can share our feelings with people who understand. The hank you.