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Coming up on a year

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by tulostsouls, Jan 3, 2022.

  1. tulostsouls

    tulostsouls Member

    January 11th will be a year since I lost my boyfriend. To say this year has been tough would be an understatement. I have lost many people in my life but never lost the love of my life. I have had a lot of ups and downs and found that losing someone that means so much to me showed me a different side of people and life. I never thought that in losing my other half I would also lose people that I considered friends and family. Nor did I think I would be treated badly because of my grief. I have always been the person that everyone could lean on, I would do anything for anyone. I found this year that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. People have told me frequently they are proud of how strong I am and yet I get up every day and look in the mirror and ask myself how I will make it through another day missing half of my heart. I don't know how on earth I have made it through all these minutes without my love. I always told him I wouldn't survive if I ever lost him and somehow, here I am surviving. Here I am breathing through each minute without him, He is never not on mind, and I don't know how to continue to work through that. I don't know how to continue to open my eyes every day and not search for his on the empty side of the bed. I don't know how to not crave a hug from him on a really hard and stressful day. It's like a catch 22 I don't want to be alone, but he is the only person I want to be with. I'm coming up on a whole year with trying to teach myself how to fill my lungs with air when my chest feels like it has a ton of bricks sitting on it. 365 days since I heard him tell me he loved me. 52 weeks since he hugs me and looked into my eyes and told me how beautiful I was. Every day is supposed to be a blessing but when you have a person shaped hole in your heart every day is exhausting. How do you look forward when everything you love is behind you?
     
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  2. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Tulostsouls, my heart breaks over the
    death of your soulmate. Hope you can
    stay with us on Grief in Common.,We are a kind group, who "gets it", unlike your family & friends who have no idea of the
    extreme bereavement you have.My wife,
    Linda, died suddenly right in front of me,
    right before Thanksgiving, 3 years ago, after 25 years of marriage. She was 68.
    I thought we'd grow old together. My
    name is Lou. May I ask your name, and
    that of your husband? Lou
     
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  3. tulostsouls

    tulostsouls Member

    Hi Lou, Youre very right when you say that they don't "get it" Only a few even try. My name is Mary, and my loves name is Rusty. It's so sad to see that there are so many that have lost their other half and only wanted to grow old with them, my love was only 40 when I lost him.
     
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  4. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    tulostsouls,

    I'm so sorry for your loss... I wish there were words that expressed how I'm feeling. The standard I'm so sorry for your loss just seems so inadequate. I hope you know how very sorry I am. My husband, Bob, died on April 11th last year. This is the first time I've used the word "last year" here. It sounds so strange... almost surreal..., but at the same time, Mr. Grief (a friend came up with this name), won't let me forget for even a second that Bob has been gone for over eight months. It seems like such a long time ago..., and like it just happened yesterday, all at once. Grieving SUCKS!!! I just can't seem to stop using this word lately.

    People who don't "get" it, don't understand that just because we seem to be okay on the surface, underneath it all, we're emotional train wrecks, crumbling inside... A friend on this site recently posted a quote from the Center For Loss, (I think it was from there) that deals with this. Although I do believe we are stronger than we think we are, we need to feel all the emotions..., all the pain..., all of this total heartbreak, in order to begin to heal. Feeling all of our emotions isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength.

    I "get" how you're feeling and it just SUCKS!!! Every one of us here "gets" it. Although I know there is nothing I can say or do to make you feel any better, I hope you'll stick around, give us the chance to get to "know" you, and you the chance to get to "know" us. This is a wonderful site where everyone not only truly "gets" it, but also provides all of us with a safe place to visit whenever we're feeling especially down, need a virtual hug, or want some advice (no hurt feelings if you don't follow it), a place to vent, a place to cry, or just "listen" as others tell us their stories... all without judgement. One of the best things I've done for myself since Bob's death, was to find this site. I don't know how I would get through this without the friends I've made here.

    Lots more I want to say to you, but I'm totally burnt out, and need to veg out, wrapped in my very favorite bereavement blanket, with a cup of herbal tea, a box of tissues, watching the flickering flame of a candle on my coffee table, in silence... Recently this has helped me feel a feeling of calm, although it's mixed with sadness, it's much better than the totally stressed out 24/7 feeling, mixed with sadness, that I had beginning in 2015, when it became obvious that Bob's health was beginning to spiral downwards. Got to go. I'm way past frazzeled.

    Hope to "talk" to you again soon.

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  5. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Mary,

    It's so nice to be able to "talk" to you using your names. It took me a long time before I could say Bob's name here. It just made his death seem that much more "real." I think you've taken a big step forward by being able to say Rusty's name. Thank you for sharing this with us.
    Really going now.

    As always, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  6. tulostsouls

    tulostsouls Member

    DEB, thank you so much for sharing and making me feel welcome. I truly do appreciate it. Grieving the loss of Rusty has been the most exhausting thing I have ever experienced. Maybe using his name has been a little easier because there have been times that I seem to talk to about him like he is still here. Thank you again for taking the time to respond. I am sorry to hear that you are also on this horrible grief journey.
     
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  7. Countess Joy

    Countess Joy Well-Known Member

    Hi Mary,
    Damn, I’m sorry about Rusty’s death. I’m with Deb, this sucks.
    Exhausted seems to be a theme around here the past few days, guess that shows we understand each other.
    Yesterday was exactly 2 months since my partner, Kenn died. Many of us just finished our ‘first’ holiday season without the one person we would most want to be spending it with. I guess fatigue might be appropriate.
    ~Bernadine
     
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  8. tulostsouls

    tulostsouls Member

    2 months is so early on the journey. I'm sorry your having to walk this horrible path. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Going through the "firsts" without them is truly exhausting for all of us I know. I think trying to hold it together for people increases that exhaustion.
     
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  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend. You’ve come to the right place for support, no judgement ever. Full of people who understand everything you mention. It’s so sad that we lose our one and only then get judgement from the people in our lives. If they haven’t been through such a loss sadly they just don’t get it. It boggles the mind how we’re expected to be “ok” after a short amount of time. They stop checking on us etc. but I really don’t think they want to hurt us, they just don’t get it. And it’s not rocket science, we’ve lost a part of ourselves, we’re experiencing the worst pain imaginable our hearts are in total turmoil. I’m starting to believe we don’t heal from this loss, but get stronger with time. Eventually memories do bring smiles, possibly with tears but it starts happening, it’s different for all of us, we’re all mourning in our own way. And time. I lost my husband very suddenly. Taken from our beautiful lives 3 years ago by a massive heart attack. No warning no signs, taken in 2 hours from when he started to not feel well. When the doctor came in to tell my daughter and I they couldn’t save him, my heart felt ripped out of my chest. My life fell apart in that instant. I was sure I couldn’t live another minute. Yet here I am, somehow. How did I live for 3 years without Ron by my side. I honor him in everything I do. He’s my motivation to get up every day. I want him to be proud I’m his wife. He’s taught me so much. I’ve done things I didn’t think possible because of all he taught me.
    Everyone on this site understands and knows the pain, the loneliness, the torture of living alone. No one to help make decisions, share private jokes with, just live life with. We all get it. You’re not alone. Continue to share stories and thought and what’s causing pain today. Someone will offer support or share they’ve been there too. I know devastating it is counting each month since you’ve lost Rusty and now at the one year mark. You’re thinking how did I get here and also it feels like a million years and also like it went fast. How it can feel like both fast and forever. No clue. I hope you have family to help support you each step of the way and especially on Jan 11.
    Sending hugs. Robin
     
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  10. tulostsouls

    tulostsouls Member

    Both fast and forever is a good description of how it feels. I feel like Rusty just left me and yet some how it's almost been a year. I hope that I can have the strength to make him proud as you do for Ron. I'm trying really hard. I have days where I'm ok. I go to work every day and put on a brave face and then fall apart most nights. I've never missed someone with such intensity. Thank you for sharing with me. Rustys family has been a great support for me and I am blessed to have them. Thank you again.
     
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  11. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m so happy Rustys family is offering support. That makes me feel good for you. I imagine it’s an exhausting day putting on a brace face each day. No wonder you fall apart most nights. Ron and I ran a business together, we we’re together 24/7. I had to empty and close our business. I am now retired. We planned retirement last Sept on my birthday. Makes my heart ache that he didn’t get to enjoy retirement and travel like we planned etc. there’s nothing in my life that is what our life together was. So when I do things for Ron, I feel a little closer to him and our life. I know it’s hard to think positive, almost impossible. But there will be better days in your future. Robin
     
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  12. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Mary, it has been one year Nov since I lost my husband, Jack. People think after one year a person who has lost a love one should be back to normal. Little do they know there is no normal anymore. The devastation is unreal. My heart breaks reading your story. I feel every word you are saying in my heart because I'm there. Having family support is a blessing for you and know Rusty is with you in spirit always. My name is Karen.
     
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  13. csmith532

    csmith532 Well-Known Member

    Hi Mary, my name is Chad I lost my love, Lizzy, on October 29th and everything you said I feel. I feel lost without her. Friends ask how I am and I say ok. But nothing is ok, and as Deb has said it just sucks. Lizzy's family have been such good support for me and I am so thankful for them. I was afraid they would hate me because I didn't "save" her, as if I had that ability. As it turns out no one was blaming me but me. I miss her so much each and every day. She was 39 and this month would have been our 9th anniversary. We were making future plans. Now I have no plans, feels like I have nothing. I'm sorry you had to find this site but am glad you are here.

    -Chad
     
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  14. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Chad, you are amazing in that your wife,
    Lizzy, died so recently. and yet you reached out to potential newer members of GIC,
    with eloquent words of comfort. I was
    moved to see that several widows &
    widowers stepped forward, to welcome
    Tutwolostsouls. Now, she has graciously
    given us her name, Mary, and that of her
    husband, Rusty. Mary is about your age
    Chad, and I really hope she stays on GIC,
    where people care about her. Lou
     
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