Both parents passed. They both died disliking me. How to grieve this.

I am sure many people on here are going through worse than this, but this is the first place I've had to share it with anyone.

Losing my parents & trying to understand grief has been complicated because I don't have any of the right feelings, and the feelings I do have aren't ones I can really share with people. My parents were really scary and unkind to me, and made me feel unsafe pretty much all the time, so I left home at 16.

I kept going to high school and lived with friends. My parents never came to look for me. We never reconciled, or even talked about it, and when we did see each other at occasional holidays they pretended nothing had ever happened. Same all through college and grad school. It was dehumanizing and surreal.

Over time, my dad dissolved into alcohol and anger; my mom just kind of continued to hold me at arms' length like I was someone she'd rather wasn't around but had to be polite to. And in my late 30s, after one especially hurtful explosion, I finally stopped hoping this would change and gave up trying to initiate therapy, or growth, or anything.

Now I'm in my 40s. Mom passed suddenly in 2022, and I still haven't felt much of anything. Then my dad passed suddenly in August 2023; I'm numb emotionally, but the low-grade depression I've fought most of my life has become literally debilitating. It's why I've reached out to this group, I am hoping that I'm not alone in this.

About the title of this post... I'm the trustee of the estate, so I spent a week in February cleaning out the family house. This meant sorting through boxes of photos and mementos, where I found several poems my dad wrote about how wonderful my younger brother is. And I unearthed a single note about me - a handwritten list of resentments they had about me, in my Mom's perfect cursive, spanning 30 years. I don't know what I expected to find but that wasn't it. But it showed me that the way they felt about me A) wasn't all in my head and B) continued right up until they died.

So I don't know what I'm grieving, or *if* I'm grieving. I don't know why my heart and mind seem to have shut down. And I haven't had anyone to talk to. Anyway, thanks for reading all of this. I wish you peace as you walk the paths you're on.

 

That's horrible. Bc of all the trauma in your life grief isn't going to be normal at all. You just had all hope that your parents would love you like they should have dashed. Everyone grieves differently. You don't have to worry about how it should look to anyone else because it's just that your grief. You know it's there bc that numbness and deeper depression are part of grief. Your parents weren't parents bc kids are a precious gift. You were a precious gift. They took you for granted. That was on them and had nothing to do with you. You were so brave to go out on your own and accomplish so much. You should be very proud of yourself. I'm proud of you. Just find people that support you and treat you right. You can choose your own family. They don't always have to be the ones that brought you into the world. Your friends and people that truly care about you are the ones that matter most. No can fix anything in a post just remember. You're beautiful. Someone is just happy you are here. Things will get better. You are going through very hard times. Good things will come. God loves you. You might not believe it. You might think it's crazy. He's the only one that will never abandon or mistreat you. You never have to change for him to do that. All you have to do is believe in him and go to him in prayer. Here's a proven fact if you read the Bible 4 times a week it will lessen depression by 40%. This study was done at a university. I mean pretty amazing for not having to take meds or have side effects.

 

I am sorry for the many deaths you have suffered through. the loss of so many things one would have expected to have.
You don't have to figure out if you are grieving and you don't have to figure out what your feelings are.
Just work through them by facing each day as a new day. God promises His mercies are new every morning.
He loves you with an everlasting love. He will guide you through each day and life if you seek Him.
God bless.
Chris

 

Wow! I am so sorry for your loss and how it has left you feeling. I can’t imagine. It sounds to me that you are carrying a lot of guilt which you don’t have a reason for but that happens a lot. I’m not a medical person but I do think you need professional help to get through this. Most importantly I think you need to forgive your parents. Your feelings will never hurt them but will always hurt you until you get rid of that guilt and forgive them. I agree with Sapphiresteel that you have to bring this request to God. You cannot forgive them on your own. Pray, pray and pray some more and God will help you forgive and that weight and feelings will be lifted off your shoulders.