Blindsided by Grief on New Years Eve

I lost my soulmate on Sept 9th, 2024. While we had been together 14 years our lives had finally reached a place were we both wanted the same thing at the same time. The demands of growing children and overly involved exes and aging parents had run their natural course and we found ourself falling silly in love all over again. After years of asking me to marry him I finally said yes. A month later on Sept 2nd he placed a giant diamond ring on my finger and we began to tell family and friends. Life was the most beautiful it had ever been. Seven days later he died in a motorcycle accident. Nothing could have prepared me for the pain, it changed the very structure of every cell in my body. The finality of never sharing another moment with him continues to be a concept that robs me of my ability to breath. It has been a painful and confusing four months. I thought I was learning to live with grief and sadness and had begun to accept that where he should be, grief now lived. I was for the most part functioning, at least in the eyes of others. Nothing prepared me for the sudden and inescapable feeling of loss that hit me from nowhere on New Years Eve, my heart shattered all over again, it was crushing, suffocating. I cried for hours. I felt raw, like a giant scab had been ripped off my soul. It has taken me almost 4 days to finally get out of bed and re enter the world. Is this a normal part of grief or am losing it?

 

My wife of 32 years collapsed on Nov. 20th, 2024. Five operations and 11 days later she succumbed to septicemia. When admitted to the emergency room she was diagnosed with Deep Vien Thrombosis. The doctors did everything they could to save her, but to no avail. For the last two years we had been planning our move to the place where we were going to retire and live out the rest of our lives together. And then in what felt like a flash, it all vanished. All of the things we planned to do together, go together were instantly changed. Now, I face the prospect of what? What do you do when the love of your life. The person you were going to enjoy and laugh and love together is suddenly gone. I am 65 and she was 59. So now I bounce around in this empty house seeing her in every square inch. I have been in stunned shock and disbelief for 45 days and it seem like 45 minutes. I have no family and my friend's sympathy seems to just make it harder. I lost my son at 16 twenty years ago. My father when I was 9. My sister 10 years ago, and my mother in 2020. Her family is spread out all over the country so there is no one close to cry and hug and grieve with. I am looking into support groups but when we did that with our son so long ago, no one in the group could relate. So, where do I go from here? That is why I am trying the internet and its connections to see if there is something that can help me cope. I do want to say to the New Member to which post I am replying, after my son died in a car accident, I thought it would never get better. I had to accept that though I and my wife would never be the same people, we learned that you can, with time, build a new person within yourself. You will never forget what has happened, but you can build a new relationship with the person you lost. Go through your grieving process, while at the same time build this new relationship. That got me through that loss. I can only pray that it will get me through this one. I wish you strength and deep understanding.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I think one of hardest things for me is I don't want to build a new relationship with him, I want the old one back. I am also in my 60s. Sixty two this month, like you, we were planning our future. We were excited, like kids only smarter, and financially secure. Now there is nothing. I am grateful for all that I have in my life, my kids are great, etc. But it doesn't feel like my life anymore. Its not my life. I guess to others it still looks like my life. I don't like the person I am now. I used to be excited about things, I loved doing my art, I used to have opinions that mattered to me, I used to care about things. My love of life has turned into a constant feeling of anxiety or mild irritation that never goes away, no matter what I am doing. It reminds me of stopping smoking, only it doesn't go away in a week. He was my drug. I had a friend say to me the other day, "you need to move forward". I know he meant well, he was trying to help the only way he knew how. The absurdity of the comment actually made me laugh. I just smiled, and asked him to tell me how exactly one did that. There is a misconception in the world today that grief is a choice or can be turned down or off. I cannot give you advice, I haven't a clue what I am doing. But, I can say that I genuinely hope that you find peace. I have been told that grief will one day be a trusted friend who represents only love. I hope this is true, it is lovely thought. But I am not holding my breath.