The love of my life was killed by a drunk driver last summer. She crossed the center line and hit his car head-on, killing him and his best friend. His friend's son was in the backseat and survived, after weeks and weeks in the ICU. I find myself imagining awful, horrible things, like what his body looked like as they pulled it from the wreckage. I'm surprised by a vicious car crash in a TV show and see the blood on the windshield and think about his beautiful face, bloodied. We're finally getting around to talking about a trial or plea bargain (and that could be a thread all on its own), and that means talking about "evidence" and...I know that means that there are pictures of his broken body in someone's file somewhere. Talking about the intricacies of the charges means talking about some of the visceral parts of the accident. I try very hard to not judge how my grief shows up, and not try to defend it to anyone, including myself. I know that just about anything can be "normal" because grief is so specific, so I'm trying not to spend energy feeling like this is "wrong" or anything, but...anyone else have this? Either because you saw the aftermath or because you didn't and your imagination is working overtime? Is it better to know or to imagine? I have an amazing group of friends who have been there every step of the way for me, but this is the one area I feel like no-one understands.