Advise needed about how to get through "happy" events

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Daisy171, Apr 20, 2023.

  1. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    Our son graduates from high school in June. The thought of attending his graduation without his father who passed away in March is unbearable to me. I don't know how I will get through it without crying hysterically and breaking down completely. Yet, I want it to be as happy event as possible for our son. I would appreciate any advice about how to get through such an event and also other "happy" occasions like holidays and birthdays and Father's Day. Thank you.
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  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Daisy I feel for you having your sons graduation so soon after your husband and your sons Dad passing. I had Thanksgiving in less then a week after Ron passed. Ron and I had purchased everything for our Thanksgiving dinner that day and he passed a few hours later. I understand your question whole heartedly. Needing to celebrate your sons accomplishments but missing your husband so much. I personally honor Ron every single day but on his birthday, Fathers Day and our anniversary I do something that we would have done together. On Ron’s first birthday my daughter and I went to see a movie. Ron loved going to the movies and we went on our birthdays many years. I kept feeling like someone was hovering over me and kept looking back. I believe that was Ron. He was with us. I cried through much of the movie. We also made his favorite cake. First Father’s Day I worked at cleaning out around the Lacey Japanese maple tree I had bought him the year before and put in a nice border and a solar light with a cardinal on the glass. Plus the food we made was all Ron’s favorites. Our first Christmas my son came from FL and of coarse my daughter. Ron had bought just one gift for Christmas before he passed. It was for my daughter. It was a lamb ornament. Talk about lots of tears. Everyone does what feels right for them. I try to keep holidays as close to how we had always celebrated. At Christmas Ron gets a gift. The first year he had wanted a new bird feeder so I got it for him and bird seed. He gets bird seed every year. I need some people around me on holidays so I invite who we would have invited. But that’s me. We’re all different. But there’s always something to honor Ron during every holiday. I hope you have someone to go with you and sit with you during your sons graduation. I’m afraid there’s a good chance you will cry. I cried at my sons graduation because my Mom had passed and wasn’t there for his graduation. My gut tells me to expect tears but also wanting to be strong for your son will help you through. Your husband will be there in spirit and be as proud as a Dad can be. Possibly give your son a tie tack or clip of his Dads to wear so he feels his Dads presence. I know I said this already but I really hope you have someone close to sit with you. That will help a lot. Someone each side if possible. It will be a hard day but also a celebration. You will be stronger then you think. You can do this. You’ll probably feel exhausted but you’ll get through this for your son and your husband. I don’t know if I offered anything helpful. We all go through things in what we feel most comfortable with. My heart goes out to you. You can do this for your son.
  3. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Daisy, unlike you,Robin, and some other
    members here, Linda and I married late
    in life and did not have children. I agree
    with Robin that you should try to have
    someone sit with you at your son's
    graduation, but you'll most likely cry
    anyway. How could you not, without Marshall, your husband, and your son's
    father? But, my view of Father's Day,
    Valentine's Day, sad anniversaries of the
    deaths of our soulmates, is that it is just
    ONE DAY. You will get through it . For
    me , the anticipation of the day was worse
    than the day itself, similar to a dreaded
    doctor's appointment. Lou
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  4. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Daisy, my heart goes out to you. I can relate to how you are feeling because next Wednesday, my daughter is graduating from university, with her Law degree. I am also worried about how I'm going to control my tears at the ceremony, I am usually able to "block my feelings" in public, I hope I will on that day. During these past weeks of preparations, I have been so occupied that I have been able to block my feelings without crying (well, almost!) but yesterday evening while my daughter was telling me about the cover she had chosen for her thesis at the book-binders', I just broke down thinking about how her dad would never see it, or even read it!
    Unlike many others, Daisy, the way I get through special days/anniversaries is to treat them like just any other ordinary day, at least for now. I just cannot bring myself to celebrate or do anything special without my C being here , it's just too painful to even think about. I haven't even put up the Christmas tree since he left us, I have thought about doing it, but I just can't, this is me though, we all react in a different way, so you have to do whatever you feel like doing. I have thought about making a special cake at times for these recurrences but at the last minute, I just get into a panic, there's something that blocks me. There's nothing I can do about it. Like I say though, this is my personal reaction.
    I'm going to share with all of you my gift for my daughter, it's a gold chain with a gold pendant containing a photo of her dad, with the word "papà" inscribed on the front. He WILL be there with her on that day, just like your son's beloved dad will be with him and you, Daisy. Be proud and even if the tears come, everyone will understand, let's try to be strong for our kids, we are carrying our husbands' love with us, this will get us through the day.

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  5. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Rose, that's a lovely, meaningful gift for
    your daughter. But, like you, I treat sad
    anniversaries of Linda's death, holidays,
    as just ONE DAY. As you said, every
    Grief Warrior is different. I note Linda's
    birth date, and see signs of it on my
    watch, calendar, etc, and it makes me
    smile. Her birth, coming into this world.
    was long before I arrived on the scene. Lou
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  6. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Lou Travolta,
    I thought about you yesterday evening while watching John Travolta's film: "A song for Bobby Long", beautiful blues music, beautiful settings, and there were scenes with great singers and musicians playing in a bar with everybody dancing, just like you!
    John Travolta is one of my C's favourite actors and one of his favourite films was "Phenomenon", with that wonderful song "Crazy love" which I often sing and dedicate to him on the piano.
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  7. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your compliment,
    Rose! I didn't see either movie, but they
    sound good. I liked him in Grease, bc of
    the chemistry between him and the late
    Olivia Newton- John. Everyone was
    smiling, and the music was joyous. Linda
    got me to watch the movie with her many
    times. I'm glad you and C. were able to
    share the pleasure of music together, and
    that you honor his memory now. Both
    C. and Linda would be proud of us. Lou T.
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  8. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Daisy believe or not to.me thats a hard question to answer. Like the warriors have said its preference. I love the idea honoring our love on everyday especially special occasions. On top of the great advice you've been given the best I can say is pray strength. This is what I do everyday. Each day is hard but on those holidays and special occasions things will seem rougher especially the first ones without them. I agree with our friends surround yourself with people at his graduation. The tears will definitely fall. They will be of joy and sadness. For one your baby is graduating and then to top it the one person you want to celebrate with want be there. You're going to try your best to put your focus on your son so you may surprise yourself in how strong you be. As far as other occasions sometimes Ive felt more sadness before or after them than on that day because of the numbness. I just put more focus on my kids on special days. I no if it wasn't for them I wouldn't celebrate anything but because I have them I push through.
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  9. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Lovely words Sweetcole, you're right, in times of joy, there will be tears of happiness and sadness both together.
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